The Art of Erotic Foreplay – Part 4 of 4
Lip locking and tongues

Kissing is one of the most important aspects of foreplay.  Make no mistake, a good kiss can mean the difference between playing with someone else and playing with yourself.  It’s hard to believe that in some remote cultures, they find kissing to be taboo and disgusting.  Luckily, kissing is something we can learn and acquire the skills to improve.  Women rate kissing as one of the most erotic activities they engage in during sexual interaction.  Case in point.  A friend of mine was out to dinner on a first date with a girl.  They eventually leaned into each other for their first kiss.  After their inaugural smooch ended, she kept her eyes closed and was smiling.  She said that was the kind of kiss she was hoping for.  Her next question, “What do you want to do right now, honestly.”  His answer was to skip the movie and take her home to make love, which they did.  That must’ve been some kiss!

Since kissing is so powerful for women, men should take it seriously and cover all the stops.  First, make sure your breath isn’t going to wilt a plant.  A breath mint might not be enough if you’ve just had garlic shrimp and coffee for dinner.  Make it a habit to carry a mini travel size bottle of mouthwash in your pocket or car.  It just might save your night.  The proper technique for kissing can vary from person to person, so let’s go with the best odds women have identified.  The majority of women are fans of limited tongue use.  Guys, there’s no need to play tonsil hockey.  This is not an anatomy class or a sport, it’s kissing.  Light tongue is okay for some, but test the waters before you jump in. Most women want passion, but that does not imply forceful lip locking.  Keep the intensity to a level that is not too aggressive, but definitely not passive.  My best advise is to use a technique called mirroring.  Do what she does and mimic her levels of sucking, pressure, and tongue use.  Most people would like someone who kisses like they do and focuses on similar areas of kissing.

Start off relaxing your own lips.  Depending on if you’re giving a gentle kiss or a firm, passionate kiss, your approach and technique will vary.  Women enjoy both styles, but it’s safer to begin with the gentle and work your way up to the more intense.  Be aware that opening your mouth can be a good thing in moderation, just enough to fit tongues and lips.  The excessively open mouth can feel rigid and overwhelming.  A good technique to learn is lip kissing.  Begin to gently kiss and suck her lips.  Women enjoy lip sucking, both the top lip and the bottom.  Be careful of how hard you suck and of biting the lips.  Be mindful of your noses and how your head is positioned.  Often people will tilt their head enough to compensate for their noses.  Generally, it’s not a good idea to change up what you’re doing too often.  Someone whose kissing style is all over the place appears too excited, anxious or nervous.  Be consistent with kissing, meaning try not to sloppily kiss all over the place.  However, using different techniques and styles sparingly is definitely encouraged.  Use limited amounts of saliva.  Make sure you swallow your spit and keep most of it in your mouth.  One of the biggest complaints by women is the intensity of men kissing and the amount of saliva they deposit in women’s mouths.  Breathe in and out through your nose while kissing.  You can also develop ways through practice to breathe through your mouth in between kisses where you’re not breathing directly on her.  As for your hands, many of us might feel the desire to feel her up and start inching towards the forbidden zones.  Personally, I prefer not to have my hands wandering too much in order to give a female the opportunity to really focus on the kisses.  I don’t want her mind going from passionate and stimulating kissing to wondering if I am going to touch her somewhere she’s not ready for.  If she starts touching you in ways that belong in an x-rated movie, by all means, mirror those behaviors.  That’s a good sign she’s comfortable and aroused.  Remember, foreplay is about reducing anxiety and increasing arousal.  During kissing can be a good time to use body massage techniques with your hands.  You can rub and stimulate her back, shoulders, thighs, neck, head, and other areas that feel good.

Most people will tell you, kissing takes practice.  No one starts off naturally knowing everything about sex, kissing, and foreplay.  Hang in there.  The knowledge is coming; hopefully the experience is as well.  My advice to you is learn as much as you can about sex techniques and pleasing a woman.  When you feel confident in your studying of human sexual behavior, put what you have learned into practice.  Get out there and experience what life, dating, and sex has to offer.  So keep masturbating her mind, caressing her body and softly kissing her.  You’re on your way to becoming a better lover!

Dr. Chaves

Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves

The Art of Erotic Foreplay – Part 3 of 4
Exploring the body

Body massages are a great way for you and your partner to get in the mood for sex.  It is the classic method people use to excite their partner that can excite us too.  This article will focus on non-genital forms of body massage.  Don’t worry; we’ll get to the genital massage and penetrative sexual techniques soon.  First we have to crawl before we can walk. For our purposes, let’s not discuss the obvious areas like the back or the foot.  Instead, let’s focus on the areas of the body with less notoriety, the hands and the head.

Remember the first time you were lucky enough to explore a woman’s body?  Treat every opportunity like it was your first.  Explore with enthusiasm and appreciation.  There are a couple of reasons it is a good idea to explore the female body through massage.  First, the more you explore the body through touch, the more you will awaken her erogenous zones.  Erogenous and secondary erogenous zones are areas of the body that are highly sensitive and filled with nerve endings that heighten pleasure.  Areas like the neck, back, hips, thighs, and feet can all be erotic areas to touch a woman.  So caress, rub, and stimulate these pleasure zones.  Awaken the nerve endings in her body.  Each woman will have different areas that she finds sensitive and erotic.  Ask her what feels good, listen for feedback and observe the non-verbal cues she is displaying during touch.  She will give you a lot of clues as to how she likes to be touched during foreplay, so study her reactions and sensitivity areas.

For our purposes, we are going to talk about massaging specific body areas.  When was the last time you massaged a woman’s hands?  The human hand (specifically the fingertips and palm) has one of the highest concentrations of Meissner corpuscle nerve endings in the body.  Most women enjoy hand massages that are slow, passionate, and sensual.  Grab some lotion or oil and give her the greatest hand massage she has ever had.  Remember, each one of these techniques should be used with oil or lotion for best results.

-Clench all your fingers/entire hand around each of her fingers and pull away firmly massaging each finger.
-Try using your thumbs to massage her palm areas.
-While palm-to-palm, interlock your fingers with her fingers and gently squeeze, then pull your interlocked fingers away from hers and stretch her fingers.
-You can use your palms, knuckles, thumbs, or pointed fingers to massage different areas.
-With your thumb, rub the area of her palm where her thumb turns into her palm.

Be careful when massaging the backhand side of the hand opposite of the palm.  There is less flesh, more bones, and massaging it too firmly can be uncomfortable.  Don’t just stop at the wrists, the arm massage also feels quite good too.

Women also enjoy head/scalp massages.  There are actually women who report reaching orgasm just by combing their hair.  Many women will rate a good head rub or a man running his fingers through her hair as highly pleasurable (and unique).  Women have also reported that it’s a turn on for a man to wash their hair when the take a shower together.  A good head rub takes some practice and getting use to.  The amount of pressure and intensity should be less firm and gentle.  A good rule is to pretend your washing her hair.  Don’t wash her hair like you wash your own, there is no scrubbing involved.  Instead, use rhythmic motions combined with sensual touch to stimulate her head.  Here are some techniques to use.

-You can use your fingers as a comb and brush her hair and scalp.
-Take your entire hand and gently start from her neck and work your way up her head.  You want to end up with the back of her head in your hand and your palm against her scalp.  Then, with your fingers gently interlaced in her hair, massage her scalp.
-You can also use your fingertips to massage her scalp in circular patterns to relieve tension.
-Take both hands and sensuously massage her head.

Adjust the intensity according to what she asks for, that means ask for feedback.  Be careful of pulling her hair or getting so excited it becomes rough.

Some things to remember with massages: use oils and lotions that are hypoallergenic in case your partner has skin allergies and keep in mind oils can clog pores. Communicate with your partner and ask for feedback regarding the firmness, pressure, and speed.  A massage is a gift to your partner to show them you appreciate and respect them, so be careful for the temptation to cop a feel or venture into areas of the body that might spell aggressive rather than seductive.

Dr. Chaves

Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves

The Art of Erotic Foreplay – Part 2 of 4
Make love to her mind

Now that you understand the importance of foreplay, we need to start figuring out how to it works and what we should do.  There are countless techniques you can incorporate into foreplay.  Many of them will be tried and tested, hopefully becoming important parts of your sexual script.  Foreplay techniques should be creative, inventive, and of course, fun.  In the next 3 articles, we’ll focus on 3 important areas which every guy should have in their foreplay tool chest; mind foreplay, body massages, and kissing.

Mind foreplay is stimulating her largest sex organ – the brain.  The mind is a very powerful thing.  Did you know that some women can actually think off?  They can use their minds without any physical stimulation and reach orgasm through erotic thoughts.  However, for many women, mental blocks are one of the biggest obstacles to experiencing pleasure during sex.  There are two ways we can help challenge these blocks: relaxing the mind and then stimulating it.

Relaxing the mind often appears non-sexual, but it helps open the doors to the erotic.  By this I mean say and do things that will reduce her anxiety and the thoughts or questions she may have.  Women tend to multi task more than men, which leads to more thoughts running through their heads.  Many women will describe having a hard time focusing on sex and their own pleasure because they are worried about everyday life issues as well as sexual issues like how their body looks naked, if they feel sexy, and whether or not they should be jumping in the sack with this guy.  It’s your job to help calm these thoughts and the many other thoughts that can impact sexual satisfaction and comfort.

Make her feel at ease and cared for. Talk to her about what is stressing her out, problems she may be having, or simply what’s on her mind.  You’ll be surprised to find that after she vents and expresses to you, a few things are likely to happen.  First, she’ll probably feel better, more calm, less tense, maybe even relieved.  Second, she will trust you more.  Each time we show compassion, attentive listening, and concern, our partners will inch a little bit closer to us emotionally.  Third, with the non-sexual thoughts calmed, she will have more capacity to focus on things like erotic stimulation and the sexual moment at hand.  It may seem strange but planning the date, cleaning the house, or helping her with her homework all reduce her anxiety and help her to focus on feeling relaxed.  Here’s a creative and unique example.  A friend of mine in the Adult film industry loves to have sex (I mean loves it!), but she has concerns and fears that men she meets outside of the industry might have sexually transmitted diseases (STD).  Those within the industry get tested monthly and are quite open about sharing their results.  She is concerned about the risk of catching something, not being able to work, and personal health reasons. That sexual comfort issue impacts her desire to sleep with men outside of the industry and creates anxiety. A few weeks ago, one lucky non-industry guy was prepared enough to have his recent STD results handy to show her.  She saw proof of his clean bill of health and she “gave him the ride of his life!”  He pinpointed the anxiety, calmed her fears, reduced the anxiety, and it opened the door to sexual comfort.

Now that we have helped relax her mind, the next step is to stimulate it. Guys, masturbate her mind.  Victor Hugo once wrote that a compliment is like a kiss through a veil. Compliment her in ways that make her feel sexy and comfortable.  For example, don’t just say her hair “looks nice.”  Describe her hair with vivid descriptions and enthusiasm.  “You’re hair looks stunning tonight! I think that is one of my favorite hairstyles I have seen on you.”  Learn to use descriptive words and adjectives to enhance your phrases.  She’ll feel sexier and appreciate you more.  Open a thesaurus and look up the word beautiful and find 10 different words you can use to compliment her.  Another mind stimulator is turning her on with erotic talk, email, or text messages.  You have to make sure she is comfortable with that before you open the floodgates to erotic talk.  If used wisely, erotic talk can make women crave sexual touch and the erotic fulfillment of desire and fantasies.  Sometimes a subtle comment can do the trick, so be careful not to scare her away with excessively dirty talk or overdoing it, at least initially.  Non-verbal behaviors can help create sexual mood as well.  Holding her hand, warming her shoulders/hands with your hands if it’s cold, allowing her to enter a door first and placing your hand on her back as a means of escorting her through the door, an eye wink, a powerful sexy gaze, and even the tease of unavailability all can be used as foreplay techniques to increase sexual tension.  Use romance as an erotic tool and ally rather than the enemy that speaks a foreign tongue.  Plant the seeds of sexual desire in her brain and watch it grow.  Remember a little goes a long way.

Dr. Chaves

Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves