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  • Newbie mission journal - Polynikes

    I dedicate my journal to Wags, who is the inspiration for me to start this great idea in furthering discipline and success. I too am just now taking the first step, and through his posts I can see that it is possible to get past the first few hurdles.

    My first post is a backtrack, for completeness sake.

  • #2
    Here's my newbie field report, what I consider anything resembling a first try for me after reading The Game and Mystery Method, as well as watching Mystery's DVD's and a few of the Annihilation Game. Though I did end up sleeping with a woman about 2 weeks after first reading those books, it felt more like a fool's mate since she was 10 years older (HB8, though) and was gaming me more than I her. Still talk on the phone and things, but she lives in another state....

    Anyways, went out to the bar tonight. Currently living in a small tourist town for the past month on business, but moving next week to a big city. Wasn't expecting to sarge or anything, since I hadn't seen one HB in this particular town since I've been here--just wanted a drink.

    Walked into the bar, immediately noticed the HB9 and HB8 bartenders, as well as a HB7 hostess who checked my ID. They all stopped and watched me enter; the stillness was palpable as the 7 asked for it. (one of the things I have going for me, looks) This was first possible IOI.

    Asked for my Crown Royale, the 9 said nothing yet looked at me, then I said on the rocks. (maybe this way of ordering instills confidence, with a rhythm to speech?) Sat down and started to get to know the bar with my eyes, to feel comfortable, etc.

    After about two minutes I saw the ring and a minor hump of pregnancy on the HB9. Up until this point, I hadn't realized that the other bartender was actually an 8, just that she was attractive.

    At this point, I tried to come up with something to say to my new target, HB8. I figured that since I am not opening a set, and she is working, there is no point ignoring her and talking to the 9, etc. I'd have to talk to her directly.

    Halfway through my first drink, she started giving me IOIs. Stealing glances at me from across the bar, walking by and smiling with a wink, etc. I knew it was on. Maybe this isn't all that surprising if an above average looking guy arrives at a bar in a small town where the pickings are slim.

    Fast forward a few hours later, I've gone through three drinks, slowly, and a few glasses of water. She was always busy, running back and forth, and this was one excuse that I gave myself to not catch her attention with a finger. I was also dealing with mega AA--my entire body shaking, wanting to leave, the works. I've never gone past this point--ever; and the times that I asked a girl out before I was in a state of mind without AA.

    My idea of what to say was to talk about an extraordinary experience that I had while I was driving away from a national park earlier today, to convey an interesting persona. (looking back on this, if she is already giving me IOIs without talking to me first, then I might be in A3 already, which means that I should screen her) Each time she would refill my water or drink, I would think about, but it wouldn't happen.

    Finally, I did it. She came over, and I asked her if she had ever been to this place that I had been before. She said Once, and then a customer came up a few stools down, and she put a finger up, as to say Just one minute. Ok, I kinda sat back with my arm relaxed near my drink and looked away while she finished her business.

    I thought she was going to come back to me directly. But she didn't. She did indirectly, by standing in front of the area in which she justed helped that customer. She did it a few times, and I was expecting her to come to me, and I thought that withdrawing my attention would bring her. Retrospectively, maybe in a regular setting, not with her being a bartender, this attitude might have worked as a withdrawal of attention as Mystery likes to do to start C1 when he brings a girl to a couch alone (I think it's C1...).

    She did that a few times, and I didn't wave her over again, then she stopped hanging out near by. Things got a little busier for her, and it felt like the moment was lost.

    After about 10 more minutes of just sitting there, not knowing what to do, I just left. It felt like I knew what I should have done in hindsight, but I botched the job. I thought that I would feel like an idiot asking her over again to bring up the same topic that I tried to bring up 15 minutes ago.

    The entire night could be summed up as 'what the hell do I say, I want to interact but don't know how or what, I just gotta do something, oh shit what do I do now.' I was at the bar for a few hours, and just about all of that time I was thinking about how to get things started with this bartender, and get her phone number or vice versa. Because I'm going to be leaving shortly, I thought that I had an extra shot at pulling everything off once I got her number.

    Any ideas? Things that I should/shouldn't have done? How does one get the phone number of a bartender in this type of situation, realizing that this is a small town, already getting IOIs, etc.? I realize that I'm a newbie going for hired guns, starting at the harder stuff maybe. Ha!


    • #3
      So I recently moved to a new location and am out of that rural setting.

      I am trying a new lifestyle, where every day I must spend time on 5 areas of my life that I have deemed crucial to my self development; of course, one of these is the arts of being a PUA. This is also the area that needs the most work.

      When I work during the week, I generally don't have time to "go out," but am being cognizant that if I am out doing something, to try and be social.

      At this point in my game, just talking to people in general and holding up a conversation is difficult. I am an introvert, a thinker, and generally abhor small talk, etc.


      The second day I arrived here I went out to a DJ concert at what turned out to be an interesting venue filled with people my age (mid 20's). Not very many HBs, but again, I am just looking to meet people now, not picking girls up.

      I peacocked the best I could with what I have. I have a crystal necklace that I bought a while back, and whenever I wear it in public for people to see I get oggled, by both men and women. Even the cashier at the convenience store said she liked it. I also got a good $40 (!) haircut earlier in the day, so I did feel more confident from that. I'm not used to the style of dress around here, so I'm going to stand out no matter, it feels like.

      Anyways, the night didn't turn out well at all. Got there, walked around, found the bathroom, bought a drink. At that point, I just didn't feel like interacting with a bunch of strangers. I didn't know what to say.

      Ended up saying a few situational things to people; you know, where you're listening to a conversation and you say a few remarks. If I had routines, I would have been able to stack, but I didn't, and nothing came spontaneously. Those few interactions went nowhere, but at least it happened.

      Later on, a girl walked and stopped in front of me with a few guys. I thought they were together, at first. Her face was beautiful but she was built like a linebacker. The girl looked around, and out of the corner of my eye I caught her glance at me and her eyes flashed. Then she started flipping her hair a bit, facing away from me. (She was perhaps 5 feet in front of me.) The two guys that I thought she was with walked off and she stayed there. After about 30 secs of hair flips, she looked at me again. I saw the classic signs, but felt frozen. Finally, she tried one more time: walked a bit closer to me, and put each leg onto a step close by, pretending to stretch, directly in front of me. She looked at me one more time, then walked off. Later on, she found me again and tried the hair flip and standing in front of me bit, but I was still frozen and she left.

      When this happened there was only one thought that was going through my head: "Reality is testing me. Go for it." But I didn't. I hadn't talked to anybody in a while, and I was in a paralytic state of observation, hearing and seeing, not interacting. While this was a perfect chance for me to do what I went there to do, I blew it.

      I do not fault myself. I only see it for what it is. I am doing the right thing. I am making effort; with whatever small steps, I am making progress by at least going out. I am seeing the social dynamics now, the situations that create my playground.

      I yearn for that person inside of me that I know exists. At the end of high school, I was that person in my social interactions. I've seen the deer-in-headlights eyes of girls attracted to me when I am confident, open, playful, happy, unencumbered. I've had periodic flashes of that brilliance since then, but nothing sustained. It is now time to unlock those talents hidden deep inside.


      • #4
        Two days ago, after work, I went out to the mall, intending not only to check my e-mail (internet down at home), but to also say 'Hi' to random girls as so many have suggested.

        Unfortunately, it was pretty dead, as might be expected on a Wednesday night. I did say something to a girl who was sitting down at a booth near the cosmetics section of a department store, maybe doing something with surveys or something. She had her head propped up on one hand. As I walked by, I said "You looked bored." She perked up slowly, but I was pretty much already past her by the time she could really say something. Ha, I guess my intent here was to just say something to anyone and not expect anything in return. I could have said something to her again on my way out, but I chose to not deal with it.

        In better news, I dropped off some film at a pharmacy after this. The girl at the counter took my film and order. As I was waiting for her to enter it in the computer, I had a thought.

        "Man, I wish I had a digital camera. This film is expensive."

        "Yeah, I had one, but it got stolen....." (trailed off)


        "Yeah! ....."

        She launched into a long story of how her house was robbed, including her car, and that she saw the guy driving her car on the street, etc.

        There were points throughout this story where she would stop talking, and I didn't really have anything to say, so I would ask her another question about it to keep her talking. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves, right?

        In this interaction, it was up to me to take it where I wanted to go. I was open and wanting to interact. A thought arrived, and I acted. If I had let it slide, then it would have been just another boring robotic sale, but instead I heard an interesting story and had an interaction with another human being.

        If this was someone I was interested in, I wouldn't know how to handle it. That's beyond where I am now, unless it happens naturally when the mood mysteriously strikes.

        That, by the way, is the beauty of what Mystery teaches, because it is inside of me already. During and after reading the MM, I had flashbacks of every relationship and social interaction I've ever had with a woman and could now see what was really happening, the different stages, the mistakes I made, the things that I did right without knowing it, the parts inside of me that are invincible once united.


        • #5
          Yesterday, I went to happy hour with two colleagues from work. We drove separately, meeting three of their friends there (I am new in town). I am interested in the one colleague who initially asked me out to happy hour. Let's call her KC.

          When we sat down, the only chairs open were at opposite corners. Ok, fine, I don't need to sit next to KC because I need to work her friends first, right? This is the first time I've done anything outside of work with her.

          The are all in the same program together (bonus points to anyone who can guess what I mean by 'program' and 'work') so they were talking a lot about people they know, etc., I felt left out. I was prepared for this, so I just accepted it.

          After about 5 minutes I was able to strike up a conversation with the guy sitting right in front of me. I was doing a lot of talking about myself, my future goals, he was asking me questions, etc. It was working nicely, and I hadn't realized that I was winning over this guy until halfway through.

          Then, something really interesting happened. The conversation just stopped, fairly suddenly. I could feel some type of ephemeral connection between me and every other person at the table. It was a circle, with me at the focus. The geometry lit up, and KC asked me a question. All eyes, all energy, trained on me. She had obviously been the main director of energy in the other conversation, and when she asked me, naturally it brought the table together. I took my cue, and answered, confidently, trying to talk with my hands the way Mystery and Matador do, which to me seems so comfortable and alpha and attractive.

          It didn't progress very far. Somebody else started talking to someone else, and several conversations started once again, but the magical moment was not missed. I saw it and was aware of it. It was like pouring water into a bowl. I started small, with the person in front of me, steady and strong. Building up energy, the water overflowed, and I was center. I was There.

          Enthralling as this was, it did not happen again, though I tried. Much of the remainder of the situation was numbed from one drink too many, and I became, once again, frozen, paralyzed to everything but passive observation with the two main senses.

          So it is. And so it is.


          • #6
            Today, before she left for the day, KC gave me her phone number.

            "Well, if you want to do something over the weekend, give me a call. That way you have someone you know in town."

            Interesting attempt at disguising her interest by rationalization: to help a new friend.

            It's obvious she is interested in me, how she asked me out to happy hour, the way she waited for me to eat lunch together, some slight kino standing nearby at times, and just in general feelings evoked with smiles and looks given. I have been able to palpate others attractiveness to me sometimes when I feel sexual energy well up inside of me when something is said or an action is taken, in a way that is generally not seductive. With the unsolicited number, it is guaranteed.

            So, from this point I do not know how to proceed. If we were to go out somewhere, she would make an exceptional pivot. While appealing, the risk in this option is high, since I might be in a terrible mood, not wanting to interact with a bunch of people, or worse, not able to demonstrate my value and game her, ending up with a lousy night where she wouldn't want to do anything with me again the entire time we're here. Plus, dealing with a pivot realistically seems outside my current skill set.

            I am considering call her Sunday afternoon (we don't work Monday), maybe a casual date (shopping or something ala MM).

            Meanwhile, must still work the field in general, or at least try to get somewhere.

            My sticking point right now is opening. Just don't know what to say, and most of the canned openers are just not me.


            • #7
              Keep up the good field reports man. I know exactly how you feel. It's so weird, you can think of all these routines and openers, but when your actually talking to a girl it's so hard to exucute, because everything is moving so fast. I think of pick-up like a rookie quarterback. Theres never a rookie quarterback that has an amazing season. Maybe he has a good game like you throwing out a neg, but to do every step of the MM well takes experience. Peyton manning threw a ton of interceptions as a rookie. I bet he didn't let those interception define what type of quarterback he was. He knew he had to work on his mechanics and reading the defense better. Just like when you say something stupid or you get blown out of a set, you don't let rejection define you. You know what you need to work on so when the situation comes agains you will be ready. Sorry for the ranting, I just hope you don't get too down on your self.


              • #8
                Originally posted by Polynikesdb View Post
                I dedicate my journal to Wags, who is the inspiration for me to start this great idea in furthering discipline and success. I too am just now taking the first step, and through his posts I can see that it is possible to get past the first few hurdles.
                My first post is a backtrack, for completeness sake.
                Wow thanks man! Best of luck to you!


                • #9
                  It's been a week.

                  Things have gotten bad.

                  Last weekend, ended up spending most of the weekend with a friend who was in town. Called KC on Monday, but it was later in the afternoon and it didn't go anywhere. The next day I learned that she was really bored on Saturday and Sunday.... should have just called her on Saturday.

                  I tried to escalate our interaction a bit at work this past week. I found that if I maintain cognizance of my frame when I am interacting with people, my personality comes through much easier and I can create better responses and questions.

                  Yesterday, I was asked out to happy hour once again. The entire day I was extremely nervous and apprehensive. Part of it was thinking about KC and the game of it all, part of it is just my work environment and development. Anyways, I wasn't in the best mood going out. I tried to be happy and comfortable, but that never seems to happen. I can't change my mood at will.

                  I walked into the lounge by myself. A coworker was soon to follow me. I knew KC was going to be there already, with who else I didn't know. This is the setup when I saw where they were:


                  X's are tables, Z her female friend (married), K is KC, O's are open velvet cushy seats. They each had a purse or something on the table next to them. As I approached from the right, they each put a hand out to touch their objects, the polite acquiescence to make sure that their things were not overcrowding a potential spot for someone to sit.

                  I froze. There were only two choices to make, and I made the wrong one. I chose the top O and not the middle one between the two girls. Without fail, whenever it has been my turn to show interest, I fumble. If I was in a more crowded venue, this would have been a more advantageous position as well, as surrounded by two women.

                  This basically ruined the night. Other people showed up and assumed positions. I couldn't get comfortable and spent most of the time listening to more conversation about people that they knew. I did make some light talk here and there, but the times that I did try to speak up I held no social weight. And when I was talking in front of the group, I had no aura, and my voice was heavy and leaden. Thus, the night bombed badly in many ways.

                  When I got home, I found myself in an acute depressive episode; I've been battling depression for most of my adult life. The past couple of weeks I've felt better than I've had for years, so this is really perplexing.

                  I had thoughts to ask KC out for wine tasting this weekend. It came up that I was going, last night, but I felt weird asking her in front of the group and so again, I fumbled. She also made some comments that she was going to be bored again this weekend, and I thought I felt an invisible tug from across the table, an unconscious desire for interaction akin to a woman standing nearby wanting to be opened. But, she was then soon talking with her nearby friend, discussing a plan to drive up to meet her friend after work and spending the night and next day together.

                  So at this point, I feel like I've lost momentum with this girl. With a consistent lack of display of social value, only a few occasions to talk, scattered moments of interaction, and the fumbling of obvious opportunities to display interest, there's no way that I can call her this weekend to go on a day long wine tasting trip. Or maybe there is and I don't have the proper perspective. She will only be at work for one more week; it's already been two weeks. Time has flown, yet what I've worked at has gone so slow.

                  There is one question I must put to anyone reading this: what do you make of women talking about not getting any in a while, all dates in recent memory having gone sour, etc? They were talking about this, loudly, while the guys at the table were talking about something, and then again when we weren't talking. Is that to show availability? I just don't think that it was spontaneous conversation; she put an effort into putting it out there for a reason.

                  I need to go out and talk to random people. I don't have time to go out during the week, but read about some aspect of the PUA every day. Don't know if I will go out tonight because I feel ill at the moment, and have so for most of the day. Still slightly depressed, which is probably part of it. I don't want to go out and have a shitty time and make my situation worse. This would be easier if the parts of my mental structure that I have no control over were more stable.

                  As frustrating as this is, this too shall pass.....


                  • #10
                    I'm seeing some inner-game issues. Read some of's inner game articles and make sure you're out sarging 4 nights a week, avg. 12 sets a night. The constant rejection makes you stop caring so much what people think I've noticed. It's a very difficult period to get through.

                    I was giving my wing $100 and "earning" back $20 for each set I opened during the first couple weeks. Remember to open guys and UGs early in the night to get yourself into a talkative state.

                    There's something about this whole process that sort of "free's your mind." At least that's how I've felt.


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Wags View Post
                      I'm seeing some inner-game issues. Read some of's inner game articles and make sure you're out sarging 4 nights a week, avg. 12 sets a night. The constant rejection makes you stop caring so much what people think I've noticed. It's a very difficult period to get through.

                      I was giving my wing $100 and "earning" back $20 for each set I opened during the first couple weeks. Remember to open guys and UGs early in the night to get yourself into a talkative state.

                      There's something about this whole process that sort of "free's your mind." At least that's how I've felt.
                      Yes, definitely inner game. I do believe that the psychology behind this new social movement is deeper than that simple term, but that is certainly a good start. I am not claiming extraordinary uniqueness, but in my own case I feel like this specific hurdle of mine is [I]the[/I] largest I've ever come across in my consciousness. I have been an introvert's introvert, a socialite's coffin, the antithesis of interaction for the better part of 3 years. To be the center of attention or in control of a social gathering, in the moment, causes me great apprehension and internal strife, to the point that I am shaky and jumpy. For these years, it has always felt like there has been some sort of indescribable 'problem' when interacting with others, where I feel like what I say and do is inappropriate on various levels, to the point where apprehension lives inside no matter what my decision in the moment. There is no spontaneous in-the-moment socializing, such as what came easily in childhood. This doesn't occur all of the time in all situations, but in a broad brush stroke, this is how I would characterize this incarnation of myself over this period.

                      I have no doubt in your statement, Wags, of this process "freeing your mind." Because, I have seen glimpses of that freedom, and it is beautiful and natural and real. That is what I am trying to uncover in this hard process.

                      I wish I had the time to sarge 4 nights a week, but I really don't--not in my line of work and with the other things going on in my life. Though, if I am out running errands, I view this time as appropriate to develop people skills and interact with those that I come into contact.

                      On rejection, for those who may be more interested in the psychology/psychiatry behind this phenomenon, look up the symptoms of 'atypical depression.' One of them is sensitivity to social rejection, above and beyond the emotions that normally come with rejection. That is, it is 'normal' to have negative emotions accompany rejection, as everyone has felt, but these people feel them more acutely.

                      See the latter half of this post for more on sarging...


                      So this weekend. Friday I just ended up doing a shit load of reading; same as Saturday during the day. I prepared 3 openers for Saturday night, most that I had adapted from some material I found on the DallasPUA page, tweaked to my preference. This is what I had memorized, word for word:

                      1) Hey guys! Quick question. I'm living here just for a few weeks because of work, and I'm thinking about moving to the northwest. So, tell me, which city is a better place to live, Portland or Seattle?

                      2) Hey guys! Quick question. I had a girlfriend tell me that most women don't wear half the shoes in their closet. Is that true?

                      3) Hey, quick question before I meet my friends: what do you think about long distance relationships? Because my friend John met an older woman while he was traveling around the country, and they want to be together. But she can't move because of her job, and he can't move because of school. Do you think things like that ever work out?

                      I also had a general idea of where I would take the conversation after that, depending on the response. I figured that these were good openers, providing a few hooks for questions, as well as conversation developers with social drama, advice, etc.

                      I spent a long time with grooming and style. I plucked my eyebrows last week, but I spent even more time, plucking not only the ones that had started to grow back but also the ones my naive eye missed previously. My nose hairs were not left out of the action. My shaving technique was exceptional. My fingernails were trimmed. The skin on my face was glowing with fresh moisturizer, lip balm, and the favorite after-shave. Of course, my teeth and tongue received the work over as well. (I recommend reading the Looks and Grooming article from the StyleLife Challenge which can be found on the DallasPUA page) Last week I had gone shopping a few times in some thrift stores and found some pretty good deals. And so, I headed out to accomplish the deed. Except for the small sickness residing somewhere in my stomach that had been with me the past couple of days, since Thursday, I felt and looked like a million bucks.

                      Preparing my openers really put me in the mood. At first, I felt and sounded like an idiot. But I quickly got the hang of it, putting the inflections in the right spot (I hoped). Even more important, it helped put me in the right state. I felt like I was already talkative--because I was forcing myself to be to practice these--and I was upbeat, as well. My plan open. I had researched two locations that had live bands playing. If I needed more or a different location, I could always walk around town and find a different place.

                      It was hard to find parking. Ended up in a parking garage, practicing my openers one last time before I exited the car. At this point, the anxiety started to set in. I tried to get through this by reciting the openers more, though I never felt as good as I did while I was at home or while driving.

                      It was about a 10 minute walk to my first destination, passing people every now and then. People on the street were too much for me, I needed to go somewhere where people were milling around already socializing.

                      Walked by the first place and either it was dead, the band hadn't started yet, or everyone was someplace further inside the building. I didn't enter to find out. I kept walking, passing an Irish pub with a band playing, but glancing inside, the place didn't look right to me. (ha) I think I walked by a one or two other places with the same response. I ended up walking into a pretty cool arcade--they had the best selection of classics that I've ever seen, and served good beer with a live DJ for kickin' music. By this point, I was in a different state than I was previously. It seemed like my goals had changed. I had resigned myself to not going to a social gathering and opening set after set like I had originally intended. Perhaps that's why I walked into this place, so I would have an outlet with which to procrastinate. Because really, I didn't want to do this in the first place. I had not felt healthy most of the day.

                      Walked up to the bar and the one of the bartenders, who was female, was cold and rude, which didn't help anything. I didn't really talk to anyone while I was there, except make a few situational comments to people. There were a few HBs, but no one that I was interested in. It wasn't really a type of place to do the things that I need to work on, and the people didn't seem inviting (maybe this was a reflection of internal set?). The openers that I had prepared seemed sorely out of place, and the thought of approaching someone at that time with what I had felt idiotic.

                      After I left, I could feel myself slipping down into another depression. By the time I got home, I was down there, as low as I was Thursday night. Truthfully, I didn't have a reason why, because there was only a superficial part of me that was mad at myself, which I easily saw through. The deepest part of my self was depressed and I didn't know why. Guess the only thing it could have been was failure. It is hard to describe depression to someone who really hasn't been depressed. My entire body, including sensation and mentation, was not motivated to do anything. There was a black hole of emptiness deep in the center of my chest. As I laid spread eagle on the floor face up, even existing was hard. Because beyond existing, I did not want to live. It seemed that everything that my life consisted of was worthless, and meant nothing to anyone: I could disappear without a trace. (see Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely) I gathered enough energy to reach over and grab a journal that was almost completely written through, and quickly thumbed through the pages that made up the last four months or so, perhaps gaining a quick bird's eye view of the most recent era of my life. The words of exclamation that I had written months before, after reading The Game, were symbols that meant nothing. I wondered if this was the wrong thing for me to be doing, causing me to be depressed acutely. Maybe I am introverted for a reason; fuck pushing myself over a cliff, falling to a mini-death until I learn how to clutch the rope hanging over the edge. I have other things to do in this life that I am actively working to achieve; maybe this is a sign for me to travel down a different path. I sat down to do my nightly meditation, but inside I was screaming and frustrated. So I went to bed, darkness darker than the night in the room.

                      I dreamed social dreams. I had a social interaction with an older woman that I used to hang out with (pre-MM) but haven't seen in a long while; nothing 'happened,' but it was positive. There were some other dreams along the same lines, but none that I can remember. My first thought upon waking was a vocal remark: I feel better. Sleep can be a wonderfully refreshing state. I felt like I had been run over by a truck full of sleeping pills, but I wasn't the Captain of Emptiness anymore.


                      Today was my day to go wine tasting. I got my maps ready, showered, and dressed stylish once again. My intention was not to sarge today, and that's definitely not what happened. I just wanted to sample some good wine, which I love, and see parts of the countryside. For anyone that lives in an area that offers wine tasting (which is mostly Oregon, Washington, California), it can be a highly attractive market to work on skills, though it is generally not target rich. People are much more open, not just because of the alcohol but because wine is a social activity, and you can talk readily with the servers depending on the numbers of tasters. The servers actually do the opening on you half the time as they introduce the wine. This is great for people like me who find it easy and natural to do situational openers. I think I might have killed myself (I don't know if that's a figurative word or not in this connotation...) if I had tried to do daygame today, on either the servers or the patrons.

                      Nevertheless, I used today to feel out the social sphere a little more. For instance, there was one server, who was an HB7 cougar who loved to be in the spotlight and talk and talk and talk.... She tried to tell me that a certain type of meat went well with the wine I was currently tasting, but I told her that that wouldn't work because I'm vegetarian. It was interesting to present this challenge to her, because then she was slightly flustered when she had to actually [I]think[/I] and not talk continuously. This wasn't A1, this was just me acting on an impulse in my mind, because I didn't think I was interested in her (though maybe I was having this impulse because it was an unconscious A1...yes, I love cougars). Then, she told me a dish that I had overheard her tell someone else. At that point, I just said 'ok,' but a few seconds later I realized that I should have called her out on it again, because she used the same dish on a different wine when talking to a different customer; I should have retorted that she needed to think of something else or risk being unoriginal. This would have challenged her again and kept my frame strong. But, I'm not mad at myself or anything, because considering the circumstances I'm happy that I was out anywhere making any type of interaction with anyone.

                      This day ended up well, and I am not in the same state that I was last night, remarkably. The rapidity of my descent and rise is slightly concerning, but right now there is not much to do about it. I've gone through periods of reading intensely about depression, and have gone through counseling, yet I still seem to end up in the same place.


                      I am considering altering my approach in my self-learning of the Venusian Arts. Just as there are different methods, there are also different learning styles. MM and most people expound the newbie missions and various other ways of jumping into things, what may be called a direct method of learning. I think for most people this really seems like the best approach, especially for people who are slightly more socially aware, have experience with dealing with people, enjoy 'having fun' with friends going out (something I only rarely do with my friends), or don't mind small talk. I have a hard enough time having a comfortable, fun evening with my own friends, let alone people I've just introduced myself to.

                      To further this line of thinking, I am beginning to wonder if I should concentrate instead on my day game, specifically working on situational openers, which I find easier since I have an excuse to be in that person's existence, and off IOIs, which are coming more often with my style changing. As day game has always been referred to as "slower" than night game, the pacing might relieve the intense pressure that is appearing to drive me into episodes of acute depression. I am more comfortable (but not completely) during the day, and certainly more so than at night at a bar or lounge or club. The night scene would be something to add to my experiences after I've had more time to develop sans depression. Day game also offers diverse situations for me to work off. This was one reason I originally chose to go to a scene with live music last night, because there was another reason to be there besides a place to drink and socialize.

                      One thing I noticed today, with my stylish outfit and grooming, were the IOIs from women. The one thing that I do have in my arsenal, in an attempt to make up for the mental pitfalls, is my natural attractiveness; always have and will. And I know how lucky I am to have that, but ultimately how little it means. During that last few weeks I've gotten myself some really stylish threads, ones that most importantly [I]fit well[/I], with good looking shoes, some rings and a necklace. It was [B]amazingly easy[/B] to do this. All of this time I had thought that it was so hard to find things that I liked, felt comfortable wearing, and was in my price range (always frugal...). It always seemed like I never had any fashion sense whatsoever.

                      All I had to do was go to some place like Buffalo Exchange, with the intention (this is key) of finding style, and try a bunch of things on. Repeat about 3 or 4 times and I've found a few things. If I went in because I "wanted to see what they had" or "needed just any pair of jeans that fit" I wouldn't find anything good. I would only find things when I went in with the intention of finding "the most stylish things that will make me look as attractive as possible." This had to be done over many days/weeks, because it takes too much energy and time to do it all at once and my success rate was about 1 per 12 articles. Plus, picking something up every once in a while kept each article more unique and kept my 'style mind' in shape. Then, I couldn't be satisfied with the garment [B]until I felt sexy and confident[/B], and not necessarily in front of the mirror; when you feel sexy, there's no going back. It was easiest to start with a ring or necklace. For some odd reason, adding these made me more aware of what is on my body, and made me want to update my torso and legs and feet.

                      So now, I've ended up spending the same amount per article than I would have before, but I catch eyes. And that's something I'm not used to (actually, it still makes me a little apprehension, but I'm working on that and trying to stand tall underneath it all). I see people glance at the rings when I move my hands around, sneak a peek at the necklace, maybe with a comment or two. When I was walking around today, it was doubly effective with my grooming. I'm startled, actually, at how much better I appear with simply plucking my nose hairs and eye brow line. Additionally, the style I'm developing is helping me give an aura of feeling confident and sexy, even if it sometimes doesn't match the internal state. I had lunch at a bistro with a bunch of teenage waitresses, and it was amusing to watch them sneak glances. Some of the wine bar servers would do the same thing. This is a new level of IOI that I didn't have previously, which was a glance every once in a while. But today, it was[I] every place I went[/I].

                      So, I'm going to use it to my advantage. Gone are the AFC jeans and shirts that I used to wear. In comes my evolving style and in come the IOIs which will give me a springboard to opening. And in comes the easier day game with a new found aura and external confidence.

                      Right now, this is my approach.

                      (this is so long I don't expect anyone to read it, so yes, this is more for me than anyone else, but if you are keeping abreast, I hope it helps you)


                      • #12
                        This is an awesome FR. Keep it up man, and good luck conquering AA.


                        • #13
                          And I update.

                          The past week and some days, though not involved with sarging per se (or, attempts, rather), have still been busy with improving on the things that need to be done in my life.

                          I've shopped for more clothes almost every other day. I've only added 4 or 5 new pieces to my wardrobe, but they are quality. If it didn't fit perfectly, I wouldn't leave the store with it. If I didn't feel sexy in it, I wouldn't leave the store with it. No longer would I except overly baggy jeans, long pant legs, wide shirts, boring shirts, drab shirts, just because it was cheap or convenient.

                          As I was doing this, I was practicing "going out" with myself at the same time. I would try combinations of clothes that I'd already bought, groom myself to the best of my abilities, making sure I felt like a million bucks, and then not go to the bar, but to a clothing or jewelry or book store. Not only was I practicing making myself look good, but I was practicing being that person. I am still not used to the increased looks from people, male or female, gay or straight--but again, practice. And then this lets me be more aware of the subtler IOIs, the intonations of voice, the slight look of the eyes past a conversation partner to light on me with a quick reverse when I catch them.

                          People can sense it all unconsciously. I've been opened by more people this week than any other 7 day period of my life.

                          I've been practicing living my life in geometry. Making sure I spend time on certain parts of my life that have special meaning to me completes every day. If this does not happen, I realize that it happens, but I try harder the next day to complete it. This geometry has been one of the most important things that I've done in my life for self-discipline. It is making my totality progress, not just a certain area.

                          I've spent some more time reading various PUA materials. There were some great articles on suggested by Wags. The important relevant material I copied into a personal wiki on my computer.

                          I reread the first 100 or so pages of The Game, for inspiration and additional insights. It's amazing how fast Style picked the game up, but looking at it a second time I can see why: besides being a smart person and quick learner, he had a head start. His CV as an author (just looking at books, here) is amazing. Before he was introduced to Mystery, he had already spent considerable amount of time with high profile celebrities. For his job, he interviewed people and looked at them with a social eye. He would not be able to spend time with these people if he was socially retarded, let alone write bestselling books about them. Between three groups of rock stars and one of the most famous porno actresses, he had already been exposed to many of the "fun" atmospheres that PUAs are supposed to be able to create on their own. Finally, he of course was named Style for a reason. Read Step 2, Chap 2: he already knew how to dress--peacocking came easy for him when he later donned his red cowboy hat from insistence by Mystery.

                          I don't have those things that Style did, and most of us don't. I guess I'm just looking for a reason to be ok with where I'm at and the approach that I'm taking. Right now I can't push myself to sarge because I've already sent myself into 2 depressions, so I'm trying to work on other things in the mean time. In The Game, Style writes that it took Mystery a dozen rides on the train into the gaming areas of Toronto before he sarged his first girl. (I just skimmed through The Game trying to find the page where I read this but can't find it right now, someone let me know if you come across it) His work into developing the MM, starting on his own, came from the depths of depression. I don't identify with Mystery completely, but there are parts of him that I see in myself.

                          I know when I will go out sarging again. It will be when I have a bit more self-confidence and less self-consciousness. I am moving this Friday back to another city for most of the rest of the school year, back to my home really, where I have friends. When I go out with them, I will feel more comfortable around others, and be able to proceed. Sarging by myself, where I am now in progress, is torture.


                          I learned something about facial expressions today from a new co-worker. For whatever reason, raising eyebrows, squinting eyes just a tad, connecting them with a smile while talking, is extremely flirtatious. I figured out later on after some IOIs that this chick digs me, but she did this to me early in the day when we were talking for the first time. I wasn't really attracted to her, but when she was actively using her muscles of facial expression, specifically around the eyes, I was turned on and engrossed in her. I tried it for the rest of the day whenever I talked to her, and I felt like I was more interactive and could keep people's attention easier. My frame was also strengthened. A new observation for myself that I'm going to try and incorporate in my body language instead of a boring smile.
                          Last edited by Polynikesdb; 11-13-2007, 08:55 PM.


                          • #14
                            Good work Poly. Man, I identify with A LOT of what you're saying and going through. The way you describe your experiences in social settings ? Shit man, I feel EXACTLY like this...just being out in public and having to talk to people is really, really difficult for me but even moreso when I'm the center of attention - even if only for a few seconds - or in a venue where the main purpose for being there is supposed to be for talking to other people (i.e. bar, lounge, etc.) And when I "fail" to accomplish my goal, I respond very, very similarly to how you do...hopeless like things will NEVER get better.

                            I am only JUST starting out, so I haven't even gotten to the points you have gotten, and I don't know how to overcome this deep anxiety about interacting with random people, or more specifically this deep ambivalence about interacting with them in the first place. For me, it's like...hey, you're going to be a complete retard anyways, so why should I even bother unless I want something from you (i.e. sex)?

                            I wish I knew if it's possible to get past this. I hope so, but more importantly I think so. Here's why:

                            Look at how your emotional state changed when you started dressing differently and noticed getting many more IOI's than usual. You were very pleased and uplifted. I think this is because you, for the first time on a consistent basis, felt some measure of success that you had confidence in.

                            You had confidence in it because you KNEW it was true IOI based on your experiences with your looks throughout your life. You know you're good looking and so didn't question the authenticity of the repsonses you were observing. Thus, you felt a strong sense of hope and optimism that you just might end up getting what you want.

                            But when it comes to all this other stuff - actually talking to people, etc. - you are nearly at a complete loss. My heavily-qualified-but-not-uneducated *GUESS* is that if you were to experience success with this, you would stop feeling so depressed and things would get easier and easier - not EASY, but less and less difficult and less and less depressed.

                            Only problem - and I share this EXACT problem with you - is that you have SUCH a long road ahead (or so it appears at least) in this department that when progress doesn't materialize immediately, you start feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. I hope you don't quit when this happens. You really have a couple of choices when it does....go back to depressed life as usual or suck it up and keep learning, keep trying because this really is the ONLY WAY you're ever going to get what you're after. And besides, you're probably going to be pleasantly surprised along the way at how things end up falling into place far quicker than you expected (i.e. a little success goes a lot further than you thought it would...hopefully ffs).

                            Like I said, I'm JUST starting out, but I will soon be starting my own report journal (oh, man, this is gonna be HARD). I feel this is the only way.

                            Good luck, bro. I'm gonna keep reading your thread. I give you props for even trying the things you're already doing, given how difficult and painful much of it turns out to be. So some girl with a hot face (yea, bad body...too bad) returns by herself SEVERAL times to pose for you....even going so far as STRETCHING in front of you (I assume this is a very strong indicator of interest) and the only thing you can do is you pee your pants right there? LOL. Classic !!!!

                            Dude, you HAVE to stick with this. I hope you get to the point where that depression rarely, if ever, shows up. Much luck.

                            Last edited by dex5; 11-22-2007, 01:20 AM.


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by dex5 View Post
                              Good work Poly. Man, I identify with A LOT of what you're saying and going through. The way you describe your experiences in social settings ? Shit man, I feel EXACTLY like this...

                              Thank you for the comments! It is helpful to know that there are others out there who feel similar things that I do and are having similar experiences--one reason why I decided to start an online journal. I think you are right about the depressive episodes, that this initial barrier is so high for me that having no success is devastating. I don't know how "long" this road is. In one sense, it really seems like I can get to where I want to be in a few years, and then in a larger perspective there is no end at all--which would be the realm of all conceivable human social interactions. It is hard to objectify a goal in a subjective realm, but in a few years I want to be at a certain 'unspecified' level of comfort in walking up and talking to a random HB, comfort in the middle of social situations or sets at places that people gather to relax and have fun, and comfort in opening sets. If I am not comfortable enough for my own liking, then I am not there yet, simple as that.

                              I, too, used to abhor small talk. Why do I need to exchange meaningless words with someone that I will never see again? Give me my change, my drink, my meal, my receipt--let's go, move on. I had an ex who would talk to everyone and it annoyed the fuck out of me when I was with her. But I see now what I did not before. There is enjoyment in the interaction itself, beneath the words. There is meaning to connecting with another person, another being, another consciousness such as I. Who was it who said that it is possible to see sexual relations in all aspects of reality? For sex is simply one kind of connection between two (or more.... ) people, and connection is what the soul seeks.

                              I engage in small talk with people now. Usually it is not much, never more than a few sentences back and forth. Surprisingly, it is easy when I don't think about it or become distracted by internal musings--just let it flow. Like I've mentioned before, I've already put myself out there with the new style that I am creating, and people unknowingly talk to me since I have already opened myself to the universe. For example, today, I was dressed more AFC style cause my newer clothes are dirty, and this old guy opened me when I was putting a bag into my car at my apartment complex. He asked me a few questions about my car, how it has held up, he used to have the same make years ago but it always broke down, etc. When I was younger, the attitude and energy that I expressed would not have been open to him; I didn't want anything to do with an old person. But now, it doesn't matter, because I will talk with anyone, to experience the connection and to practice. It feels wonderful to happily engage another person. Or at least try; sometimes it is harder if I get opened by someone and I am with a friend, since I feel embarrassed opening up in front of others (yes, yet another thing to get over).

                              Start your journal, man. I like Mystery's idea of "just snap," go wild and surprise yourself and break out of your mold right now, if even only in a few ways. Look forward to seeing your progress!

                              (I don't know if you were exaggerating or what, but I didn't pee my pants when that chick was stretching in front of me, though it wouldn't have been too far from me being paralyzed. Funny scenario.....I snicker at it now, hopefully years from now I can laugh my ass off at it!)

                              Gonna update again tomorrow, since it's late and there are things to discuss about this past week.