how to be less needy

[illuminator]

i don't know if anyone can answer me on this but how can i be less needy?
and please no answers like "sarge more so you have more options and therefor you wouldn't be so needy" because i know already that if i have more choices then of course i wouldn't be needy..
but here is the deal i am currently waiting a reply from this one girl and everytime i get a new message my first thought is "i hope it's her" but it isn't..
i will not send her any messages until she sends something to me cos it is far worse to show her that i am needy than to be feeling that myself..
the reason why i can't sarge more is because there is only 1 day that is good for me for night game and that is saturday (maybe friday but mostly saturday)..
and day game is also no good.. i have been meaning to try it more since sarging only once a week sucks but there is so much stuff during the days that i need to be doing so finding time for sarging is hard and then figuring out the venue and the time that the hb's that i would be interested in are there..
so is there anyway else that i could become less needy than to be sarging for more girls to choose from?

[Hotspur]

You emailed or IM'd this girl?

This is another reason why you get on the phone and CALL. It gest you out of the "sitting around, waiting for her to repond, gosh I hope that's her" mindset which feeds into your neediness.

Look, at a certain point you just have to flip the switchinside of you, assume she's not getting back to you, and move on. If she calls you after that, great

And yes, sarging more helps. Meet other girls, get excited about other girls.

It really does work.

[The Judge]

You're needy because you're looking for a woman to validate you.

If you really feel that seeing a message from that "one girl" is going to validate your self-worth, you're needy and it doesn't matter if you call 100 times or never again - she's going smell the stench of your neediness.

Also, you're focusing on the wrong things. Personally, I feel I can text or call a girl as much as I want because I'm not looking for her to validate me. I get self amusement out of texting funny things, so I can do that as much or as little as I want. Texting or leaving a voicemail like "Hey, what's up. Just wanted to see what you were up to. Call me back soon" is needy. Texting something like, "We need to talk. When we were thumb wrestling you weren't wearing a glove. Now I'm pregnant." isn't needy. I find this sort of humor funny so I send the text. If she wants to laugh/text me back/give 2 shits about me, that's her business, not mine. I'm simply living in my non-needy reality.

I've had girls not respond to 4 or 5 texts, than finally respond and meet up with me. When we'd later meet up, they'd tell me how hilarious the texts I sent them were and how hard they laughed. Ironically, I had no idea what their reactions were because I never heard back from them. After seeing this pattern play out a few times I realized it doesn't matter how long you wait to call/text or how many times a day you call/text or any of that superficial AFC bullshit. What matters is giving value. If you are offering value in a non-reaction seeking way, you'll cease to be needy. If you're calling/texting with the sole purpose of getting attention/validation, you're needy. Case closed.

Pax.
~TJ

[illuminator]

You emailed or IM'd this girl?

This is another reason why you get on the phone and CALL. It gest you out of the "sitting around, waiting for her to repond, gosh I hope that's her" mindset which feeds into your neediness.

Look, at a certain point you just have to flip the switchinside of you, assume she's not getting back to you, and move on. If she calls you after that, great

And yes, sarging more helps. Meet other girls, get excited about other girls.

It really does work.

it is a girl with whom i really haven't done any info exchanging except names.. she found me and started to email me so i replied to her and she replied to me and i replied to her and she replied to me and i replied to her and haven't heard from her since.. all the replies were sent like 5 to 10 minutes apart.. i think my last reply had some question on it so that is why i am expecting a response.. i don't think my last reply wasn't anything that would have offended her or anyway to make her feel like not wanting to reply anymore i just assumed that she had to get off from the internet..

You're needy because you're looking for a woman to validate you.

If you really feel that seeing a message from that "one girl" is going to validate your self-worth, you're needy and it doesn't matter if you call 100 times or never again - she's going smell the stench of your neediness.

Also, you're focusing on the wrong things. Personally, I feel I can text or call a girl as much as I want because I'm not looking for her to validate me. I get self amusement out of texting funny things, so I can do that as much or as little as I want. Texting or leaving a voicemail like "Hey, what's up. Just wanted to see what you were up to. Call me back soon" is needy. Texting something like, "We need to talk. When we were thumb wrestling you weren't wearing a glove. Now I'm pregnant." isn't needy. I find this sort of humor funny so I send the text. If she wants to laugh/text me back/give 2 shits about me, that's her business, not mine. I'm simply living in my non-needy reality.

I've had girls not respond to 4 or 5 texts, than finally respond and meet up with me. When we'd later meet up, they'd tell me how hilarious the texts I sent them were and how hard they laughed. Ironically, I had no idea what their reactions were because I never heard back from them. After seeing this pattern play out a few times I realized it doesn't matter how long you wait to call/text or how many times a day you call/text or any of that superficial AFC bullshit. What matters is giving value. If you are offering value in a non-reaction seeking way, you'll cease to be needy. If you're calling/texting with the sole purpose of getting attention/validation, you're needy. Case closed.

Pax.
~TJ

you might be right about the neediness and wanting to be validated i don't know but i think it is just the personality that i am.. no matter if i seek it from females or males.. like i said to the earlier quote my last message to her contained a question and i usually want the answer.. for example i got this one guy friend that often doesn't reply to my text messages at all and i get pissed because of it because he is ignoring me.. i am not now pissed at the girl for not replying yet but just wondering what is going on..

[The Judge]

you might be right about the neediness and wanting to be validated i don't know but i think it is just the personality that i am.. no matter if i seek it from females or males.. like i said to the earlier quote my last message to her contained a question and i usually want the answer.. for example i got this one guy friend that often doesn't reply to my text messages at all and i get pissed because of it because he is ignoring me.. i am not now pissed at the girl for not replying yet but just wondering what is going on..

This is my last reply to this thread and then you're on your own.

First, is English your first language? Your writing is atrocious. I can't even understand what you're trying to say and/or what your problem is. I'm sorry, but if you want advice, figure out how to convey your meaning properly.

Secondly, you're not acknowledging your blindspots. See, I can read your post and see everything you're doing wrong, point it out to you, and you still won't see it (because you're refusing to acknowledge reality because it's too painful).

For starters, read over your original post. You basically answer your own question ("Sarge more") then go on to list all the reasons you "can't" apply your answer to your problem. I'm sorry dude, but you can find a way to sarge more than once a week if you really wanted to. Also, your excuse for not running day game is abysmal. I can run day game whenever I want. Anyone can. You live in society. There are people everywhere. Talk to them.

But let me address your last response.

Okay, so now (from what I can gather from your poor wording) you're claiming that you are just upset over this girl not responding to a question (??). Dude, that's complete bullshit. How fucking important must that question have been if you're sitting around waiting for an answer and posting about it on an internet forum. You're trying to tell yourself you're just upset about not getting an answer when you're really just looking for validation. It's hilarious, ironic and sort of pathetic that I (a dude on the internet) can read/see that
and you can't. The same goes for your friend: It's not the text messages that are the problem, it's your friendship.

Read up on backwards rationalizing. You have intense emotions you can't deal with and you're backwards rationalizing that it's something retarded like "not getting an answer to a question" that's upsetting you. You have self-deception problems and inner game issues. Deal with those.

And, honestly, take your own advice and sarge more.

Finally, if you respond with anything other than "Thanks Judge", you're only hurting yourself. I'm done with this thread.

Pax.

[Decibel]

I know you don't want to hear it, but you do need to sarge more. This will allow you opportunities to choose from and you will move from a mindset of scarcity to that of abundance. Make the most out of the time available so you can meet a lot of people and work on getting lots of #s. When you text 5 girls a week, you'll soon not care if a few don't reply. The exchange you described is not based in reality and no real connection was made, so let it go. And always listen to The Judge.

[Hotspur]

it is a girl with whom i really haven't done any info exchanging except names.. she found me and started to email me so i replied to her and she replied to me and i replied to her and she replied to me and i replied to her and haven't heard from her since.. all the replies were sent like 5 to 10 minutes apart.. i think my last reply had some question on it so that is why i am expecting a response.. i don't think my last reply wasn't anything that would have offended her or anyway to make her feel like not wanting to reply anymore i just assumed that she had to get off from the internet..


Okay, bad news:

You're on a one-way train to creepytown.

You haven't done more than exchange names with this girl, and she looks you up ... and now you're freaking out because she's not writing you back right away?

Creepy city.

This girl owes you nothing. Probably she's out living her life. Doing something she enjoys, because there's more to life than emailing near-strangers. But you know what? Maybe she went out to lunch and met a cute guy who she's over-the-moon for - and that lead is now dead. Maybe she logged off the computer to have a 3-way with two burly football players. It doesn't matter. It has NOTHING to do with you, and she'll get back to you when she gets back to you.

Or maybe she won't. Maybe she got bored with you. Found you predictable.

There's no way to know, so any energy you waste trying to figure it out is, well, wasted. Either she'll come back and answer your question or she won't. End of story.

Your ego is invested, and it's invested because, as near as I can tell, you aren't getting out and meeting enough girls. Or, more importantly, you aren't getting out and living a full life, full of things that excite you.

You've got to start with yourself. Give yourself things to do that make you happy other than waiting around on girls to write you back. When you do that, you'll find ... as if by magic ... that the girls write you back more often.

[BangBang]

And always listen to The Judge.

Re-read the posts, until it starts to sink in. The answers are all there.

I can only respond to your post because I've been there. Here's what I've learned:

1. The problem isn't her (or your friend) not getting back to you, the problem is YOU SITTING AROUND AND WAITING FOR THEM TO RESPOND. YOU EXPECT A CERTAIN OUTCOME AND WHEN YOU DON'T GET IT YOU GET UPSET. YOU MUST LEARN TO JUST NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE OUTCOME AS IT HAS NO IMPACT ON NOR IS IT A REFLECTION ON YOUR VALUE AS A PERSON. If you're friend doesn't get back to you, it doesn't automatically mean that he's "ignoring you". Maybe he is or maybe he isn't, but chances are, he's doing something else and you aren't a high enough priority in his life for him to immediatley respond to you.

2. Life is not a spectator sport. Go out and live a life that makes YOU happy and to hell with everyone else. YOU need to start validating yourself because all the external validation in the world will not do a damn thing to fill that hole you've got inside you. That's what validation seeking usually is, a result of LSE and insecurity and an attempt to fill a VOID. Find out what that void is, where it came from and what caused it and you'll fill it yourself. That's the only way it will stick.

It's hard to not give a fuck, trust me, I know. Expecting or caring too much about the outcome has blown me out more times when I was starting out than I'd care to mention. Work on yourself and your inner game and these things will improve with time.

Oh and GET OUT AND SARGE MORE! Excuses are like assholes, everybody's got one. People will always MAKE time for the things they value and enjoy and make EXCUSES as a way to AVOID things they are afraid of, uncomfortable with or don't enjoy.

[Decibel]

Excuses are like assholes, everybody's got one.

...and they all stink.

[Hengman]

Listen to these men. These guys really know their shit.

But anyways, what if there were no assholes?

[BangBang]

But anyways, what if there were no assholes?


We would all be overweight and VERY grumpy due to the overwhelming need for a good crap. :p

[Decibel]

Eh, I go once a week and am pretty upbeat almost always. How did we get onto this topic btw?

[Hengman]

Some fishing accident story.

Would any of you men fuck a midget for a billion dollars?

[Decibel]

You wouldn't have to pay me to have sex with midgets, but I think you already know this.

[Hengman]

Aww man! Think about the kids in Africa!

Well, anyways, I think we've highjacked the thread long enough.

[azazels_wolf]

illuminator:

You've already gotten some great responses on this thread (The Judge really hit the nail on the head!) but I'm going to give you a couple pieces of practical info:

1) People have busy lives. If you sent something you want an answer to, GIVE THEM A FEW DAYS before you start to worry. If they take TOO long to respond, then TRY AGAIN. Sometimes people get distracted and forgot about it. If THAT doesn't work, move on, unless it's someone you already know very well.

2) While you're waiting for an answer, don't WAIT for them. Go and do something else and FOCUS ON SOMETHING ELSE. It does you no good to keep repeating in your head "God I hope that's her....damn, it's not...when is she going to respond? Is she ever going to respond?.... Does she even care?" etc. ad nauseum. That just feeds the negativity and your insecure state.

Instead, affirm to yourself that you ARE high value, that you WILL get a timely response, and then GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. Your thoughts affect you. Don't get stuck in this loop. Do something that makes you feel good, do something that matters to you.

DO SOMETHING THAT INCREASES YOUR VALUE AND BUILDS YOUR ALPHA IDENTITY. Don't depend on her to make you feel good or validate you.

[BangBang]

You wouldn't have to pay me to have sex with midgets, but I think you already know this.

I'll second that. :p