READ THIS FIRST - Introduction To The Community

[Khaki]

Part 1: "What's The Deal?"

Hi, welcome :)!

There seem to be a lot of new guys around here lately. Needless to say, most of them are pretty clueless about the community, and a lot of what they hear is neither accurate nor helpful. I'm writing a series of threads that explain the basis of the community to new guys... if you're new, please read these BEFORE posting, because it's likely that your question has been answered before.

There are some critical points that you have to "get" to understand the community. I'll be pointing these out periodically.

This is a self-improvement community.

Forget all the buzzwords, the Chicken Soup For The Soul series of books, and everything you think about so-called "self improvement." There are really two points here, the first is that this community is about changing yourself for the better. It is NOT about getting a "panty password" that will allow you to get into any girl's pants with minimal work. It's a lot of work, and you're going to have to step outside your comfort zone. If you're not willing to do that, stop reading and close your internet browser now, because you are wasting you time.

The second important point is that this has to be something you do. Nobody is going to make you make these changes in your life. Mystery once summarized this concept very well "I can only open doors, I can't drag you through them." This site and others possess a wealth of useful knowledge that can allow you to be the person you want to be - but you have to be willing to use them. Learning to be a pickup artist (henceforth: "PUA") is not going to be easy. If you don't have the motivation to become a PUA, my condolences, but please don't blame the community.

This works.

You are a random name on the internet. Nobody cares about you enough to "prove" themself to you. If you "don't believe in pick-up," what are you doing here?

The vast majority of questions have already been asked and answered.

There is a TON of free material available online in the form of ebooks, forum posts, blogs, and other media. I'll be providing links to this material later on, but please realize that questions like "what is a neg??" aren't appreciated. If you are really not understanding something subtle about a specific tactic or if it's not working for you for some reason, by all means post a thread. But do a little research if you see a term that sounds new to you.

The community uses quite a few acronyms, a lot of which can seem pointless at times. I know it's intimidating and confusing when you're new. Here (http://www.venusianarts.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2498) is a good list of terminology.

You can do it.

Okay, now that we've gotten the hard stuff out of the way, I'm going to end this post on a positive note. As long as you have the wherewithal to stick it out, you have the tools and the ability to dramatically change your life for the better. I'll provide more information on this in the second part of this post, which will hopefully be coming soon.

[Khaki]

Okay, before I get into anything actually related to pickup advice, this is the most important thing that I will tell you anywhere here:

READ THE MYSTERY METHOD/THE VENUSION ARTS HANDBOOK

To quote The Sheriff, this is "where 99% of modern pickup comes from." You need to be familiar with the concepts in this book if you're going to be successful at pickup. A good free supplement to Mystery's book is Decibel's PUA Field Guide (http://puafieldguide.com). If you read these two books, you'll get a very good understanding of how pickup works, and even some advanced tactics. Please read them before posting a question thread.

And before we go any further, we need to define the term limiting belief: a limiting belief is something that someone thinks is wrong with them, which generally isn't a huge problem. "I can't do this... I'm too short" is a limiting belief unless you're actually not tall enough to go on the roller coaster. I'll get more into depth on these a little later on.

So without further ado...

Part 2: Limiting beliefs and myths about women

You're wrong.

It's not your fault. Everything everyone has ever told you is wrong. But it's not their fault either. They just don't know any better.

Forget everything you ever thought you knew about attracting women.

95% of what you've ever heard about attracting women is wrong. Dead wrong. The Mystery Method provides a framework for you to go about attracting women, from the moment you first meet them to the relationship after you have slept with them. Everything you need to know is here, so it's best to leave all of your preconceived notions about women at the door.

Let's start by making a list of things men commonly get wrong about women:

Women are only attracted to rich men.
Women are only attracted to men that are physically attractive, so most men are genetically disqualified from attracting hot women unless they become obscenely rich.
The only part of your appearance that matters is how physically attractive you are... other than that, you can act like a complete slob and it won't matter.
Women need to be wined and dined so that you can impress them with your wealth.
Women need to be constantly complimented so that they know you appreciate them.
Women don't like sex.
When a woman has sex with you, she is doing you a favor.
You can logically convince women that you're really nice and smart to the point where they become attracted to you.
If you want to do well with women, you need to act romantic at all times (ie buying her flowers, drinks, dinner, and movie tickets).

This is but a few small pieces of a giant list.

It's actually pretty amazing how these myths are perpetuated. Nobody has any malignant intent... people just don't know what they're talking about. Society has come to expect certain things, and from the moment we are first exposed to "love" in childhood movies, these societal expectations are thrust upon us.

Of course, Disney movies are supposed to be cute and stereotypical, so we can't really BLAME them for the way they turn out, but following Disney movies as a guide isn't a good path to attracting women. You might laugh, but that's EXACTLY what a lot of people do. When people have their first experience with girls, they invariably look to the one source of knowledge they have: movies and television. And movies and television are invariably an awful source of knowledge about women, because most shows revolve around the "cute" story of an AFC who finally ends up with the girl of his dreams after being friends with her for years. This may make good television, but it makes horrible pickup!

There is nothing wrong with you that prevents you from attracting women.

This might be a little hard to swallow - after all, if nothing is wrong with me, why the hell haven't I been attracting women all my life? Let's break it down into two core principles:

Your physical appearance does not prevent you from attracting women.
Unless you are a beggar on the street, your financial situation does not prevent women from being attracted to you.

There's a caveat to point one (grooming and style) which I will address later, but the point here is that with enough work, YOU can attract any woman.

This can be really tough to wrap your mind around. Why me? Why would any girl ever be attracted to me?

Good question! In fact, one of the biggest problems that most AFCs have is that they don't ask this question, so I think it bears repeating:

Why would any girl ever be attracted to me?

Let's say you walk up to a girl in a bar and say "Hi, can I buy you a drink?" There is a social expectation that if you buy the girl a drink, she is going to have to sit, converse with you, and potentially give you her phone number. In other words, she's probably not going to say "yes" unless she's attracted to you. Unless your appearance is Brad Pitt quality (in which case you would not be reading this), then she has no reason whatsoever to be attracted to you.

What women are attracted to is value. Game is about conveying this to them.

That's why some people think that women are attracted to money. Having lots of money conveys a sense of value. That's why some people flash rolex watches and casually mention their Ferraris in bars. I don't recommend using money to attract women because it's expensive and tacky. By the way, if you're doing it right, pickup should be very inexpensive.

When you think about it, really think about it, this really is a breakthrough thought. I've always been amazed that I never really thought of it before. "Why would a girl be attracted to you?" is a pretty good question. Most AFCs go through the world assuming that girls will automatically be attracted to them out of sheer force of... themness. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. If you don't have looks, you have to convey value somehow.

So, let's squash your limiting beliefs once and for all.

The vast majority of guys obsess over "flaws" that prevent them from getting women that don't really matter at all.

Everyone has a litany of reasons why they haven't done well with girls in the past. It's all nonsense! You can pick up the most attractive girls in the bar if you can convey enough value to them. Period. Your limiting beliefs you are, frankly, wrong. Nobody's perfect, and plenty of people end up hooking up, right? Look at Style, one of my idols. He's short, balding, and talks really fast. And he's consistently ranked as one of the top two pickup artists in the world. There are all sorts of amazing pickup artists who either have or had the same flaws as you. The key is accepting your flaws and realizing that they don't have to consume your life.

Focus on flaws in your game that you can change, not perceived "flaws" in yourself that you can't change.

So let's review: thankfully, the things that matter are the things that you can change. No man is genetically disqualified from attracting women. The Mystery Method is based around conveying attractive qualities to women, and you can use it to seduce women without either looks or money. In Part 3, I'll discuss some of the basic changes you can make to yourself and a basic of the basic theory behind the Mystery Method.

(By the way, for more information on the kind of stuff I discussed here, look up "inner game.")

[Khaki]

Part 3: Getting Started

So now you hopefully understand what the community is all about and are interested in getting started. Great! Here is a very brief summary of some (mostly inner-game-related) information. You'll undoubtedly want to consult other sources, but I hope this is a good start.

Reality and frames

One of the most important things that you can do for your game (and your happiness in general) is to live in your own reality. It shouldn't matter what other people think of you because you should be "internally validated"... that means that your sense of self-worth should not be based on factors outside of yourself. This is a really important concept to internalize, because in order to get good you are going to get blown out a lot. Unless you're going to back out of the game at the first opportunity, you need to realize that other people's opinions of you DON'T MATTER.

Seriously, who cares what some random person thinks about you? Obviously getting people to like you is important to pickup, but if you go into an interaction with the mindset of "I'm not going to get this person to like me at all costs" you will almost surely fail. A much better mindset is "I'm giving this person an opportunity to enter my reality." If a woman chooses not to enter your reality, that is her loss.

A really similar concept to reality is your "frame." The frame of an interaction is the unspoken assumption of an interaction. For example, if you offer to buy a girl a drink, the frame is "I'm hitting on you." This is why offering to buy girls drinks is bad: it subcommunicates (ie "says without actually saying") that you are interested in her before she has earned it. For more information on why this is bad, read Mystery's book. The other problem with this offer is that it's also "supplication," which I will explain in a bit.

The stronger your frame, the better your interactions go. For example, if you enter into an interaction with the frame of "I really hope these people like me," you are giving them all the power. That's an incredibly needy frame: you NEED their approval to feel good about yourself. Using a frame like this not only sets you up for failure, but it sets you up to feel bad about yourself after the failure. Seriously, a really important concept to internalize is that it does not matter what random people think.

Often times, hot girls ("HBs") will try to shake your frame. If you have a weak frame that you don't really believe yourself, it's easy to fall into these traps. The standard term for when a girl tests your frame like this is a "shit test." Generally shit tests work so that no matter how you respond to the question, you still lose. For example:

— PUA: Blah blah blah.
— Shit test: Aren't you going to buy me a drink?

(I apologize to whoever I stole this example from... I have it in my notes, but I left out your name. Shoot me a PM if you see this and I'll give credit where credit's due.)

As long as you respond to her question, you accept the frame that you are hitting on her. Questions like this are sometimes called "double binds," because answering either affirmatively or negatively still causes you to lose value. In order to maintain a strong frame and not lose control of the interaction, it is necessary to "reframe" shit tests. This means that your response to her needs to change the frame from the one she is presenting you with to one that is more favorable to you. Let's look at that same example again:

— Shit test: Aren't you going to buy me a drink?
— Reframe: Buy you a drink? Do you think I'm hitting on you?

By responding in this way, you have changed the underlying frame from "I am hitting on you" to "you mistakenly think I am hitting on you."

What's important to remember here is that you're not trying to "get" her. Your goal is not to try to convey that you are a high-value male who lives in his own reality, not to present the girl with a line so good that she can't respond. Once you have taken control of the frame again, proceed into your next routine (this is called "stacking").

I'm going to end this section with a quote from someone who I am forever in dept to for the help he gave me when I was just starting out: "More than anything, frame control is about being secure in who you are and not letting other people make you feel otherwise." -Tyler999

This is a pretty tough concept to get your mind around, so let me know if this section makes sense.

Neediness and supplication

As I alluded to in the previous section, being needy is bad. Very bad. In fact, being needy is the exact opposite of having value, which is what we want to convey. When people say "needy" what they really mean is "approval-seeking," and it should be obvious why this is bad. Aside from not being internally validated, you are going to be a negative presence. Who wants to hang out with someone who sucks value out of interactions? This is why living in your own reality is so important.

Most people think that the opposite of neediness is what's generally called "supplication." Supplication is when someone gives something to someone else (generally a compliment) in order to have the other person think more highly of them. Hopefully you can tell by now that supplication is just another kind of neediness. Essentially, if you ever compliment someone so that they like you more or think you're "nicer," you are doing something wrong.

(By the way, you do NOT want to convince girls that you are the "nice guy." That doesn't mean that you have to go around keying people's cars of being a dick, but you should not be going out of your way to convey that you are "nice." Remember, VALUE is what attracts women.)

Now, that's not to say that you can't ever compliment anyone. If you genuinely think that something is cool, you're welcome to say that. I think a lot of people miss this, but it's a really important point: genuinely cool people GIVE value, they don't wait around and receive it. You look great if someone cool compliments you for your achievements, but you look even better if you're the cool guy complimenting people. This ties right back into neediness: you shouldn't be seeking people's approval, even if it's for the express purpose of looking better in other peoples' eyes.

Now, obviously don't go overboard here and start complimenting everything that anyone does. One important part of living in your own reality is to have standards of conduct. If certain behavior does not meet your standards, DO NOT PUT UP WITH IT. If you wouldn't put up with your friends doing it, don't put up with an HB doing it. Putting up with it wouldn't just be needy, it's be stupid. Do you want to put up with people acting like jerks to you?

By the way, a lot of AFCs seem to think that forcing girls into interactions with them is a useful way to pick them up. I've seen IM transcripts of guys literally begging girls to go out with them JUST ONCE so that they could prove what a good catch they were. By now you should be able to tell how ridiculously needy this is. So is forcing girls into an interaction they're clearly uncomfortable with: your goal is to make her as comfortable with you as possible, not talk to her at all costs.

Qualification

I was originally going to explain some basic pickup theory here, but I realized that wasn't helpful at all. Pickup theory is incredibly complex, and there are far better explanations available than I can provide in a brief summary here. Reading Mystery's book is extremely important because it explains all of the relevant information and tactics. However, there is one last point I want to address: qualification.

Qualification is when a person explains things about themselves in search of another's approval. One goal of the "attraction phase" of pickup (again, read Mystery's book, Decibel's guide, or one of the tons of free internet posts available to understand what this means) is to have the girl qualify herself to you. But qualification is important for another reason: it's also something you want to avoid doing.

A lot of shit tests ask you to qualify yourself. Don't fall for the trap. When a girl asks about your clothes and you say "oh, yeah, haha, I'm wearing this because my good shirt is dirty and..." you are losing the set. YOU DON'T NEED TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR YOURSELF.

Don't confuse avoiding unnecessary qualification with refusing to show vulnerability. Showing vulnerability is a critical part of being confident and opening up to women during the "comfort" phase of an interaction. The point I'm trying to make here is that you should be willing to let people see you as vulnerable, but never feel like you need to apologize for yourself. There are some people I know who act like they need to apologize for their existence. Fuck that. You're here, and you're a positive presence in the world... there's no reason for you to apologize, least of all to some random HB you may never see again!

A quick note on negs...

As you learn more about pickup theory, you will run across a concept called "negs." I'm not going to explain them here, because there's already enough confusion going around, and information isn't exactly hard to find. For those who have a basic understanding of what a neg is:

Negs are IODs, not insults. The goal is to convey disinterest, not demonstrate that you are a total asshole. I know this is somewhat out of place here, but so many people seem to think that pickup theory consists of "open, neg, neg, neg, neg, neg, neg, neg, drink-in-face" that I think I should mention it here.

And there you are!

Wow, until I wrote this out, I had no idea how much there was to explain to a newcomer! Most of what I've covered here is "inner game" stuff. As time goes on, I may update these posts or add new sections, but I think I've covered a lot of the basics. Now you're ready for actual pickup theory!

Buy Mystery's book. It's not expensive, and there's really no better source of information on Mystery's theory available than his own book. I'd also highly recommend downloading Decibel's free field guide as a supplement (not replacement) for Mystery's book. You can find it at www.puafieldguide.com. You can also find a ton of information available on this forum in the form of posts.

Let me know if this was helpful!

I'd like to end this with a quote from a friend who has been incredibly helpful to me and I suspect many others. In response to someone who mentions that they are NOT a terrorist every time they say they are from Lebanon, The Judge writes:

"Here's your first lesson in inner game: LIVE IN YOUR OWN REALITY. People who make assumptions about your ideological beliefs based on where you live DON'T DESERVE AN ANSWER. It's no different than when you go up to a HB, deliver an opener, and she says, "Was that a pickup line?" Decide what your boundaries are and live in that reality. If I told someone I was from Lebanon and they asked if I was a terrorist, I'd probably ignore them or, if I did decide to answer, I'd say, "Woah...are you gay?" or "Wow, you must be retarded. Where's you helmet?" Basically, STOP QUALIFYING YOURSELF. You don't need to answer stupid questions, and you sure as hell don't need to answer a stupid question IN ADVANCE (because then it's just a stupid answer)..."

[kerr]

Looking forward to the rest.

[Hengman]

This should definitely be stickied.

[The Sheriff]

I suggest putting in something about actually reading "The Mystery Method" since that is where 99 percent of modern pick up comes from. And after all this is Mystery's forum if I'm not mistaken.

[Argo navis]

Sticky that! And I'd love to see :
- relationship talk is not pickup talk.

The amount of "how do I get this girl to do that in this situation after I said EXACTLY THOSE WORDS" - is not good. VA will help, but, to phrase it differently :

- there is no "quick fix".

[Khaki]

I suggest putting in something about actually reading "The Mystery Method" since that is where 99 percent of modern pick up comes from. And after all this is Mystery's forum if I'm not mistaken.

Excellent point, I've added that.

I had most of Post 2 written up, but my internet crashed so I lost it. I'll see if I can still get it up today, though.

[kerr]

No sticky until its completed sorry fellas.

[Khaki]

No sticky until its completed sorry fellas.

Not a problem at all. I hope it does get stickied eventually, though... my goal is to help as many people with this as possible (and get rid of some of the extremely repetitive questions).

Part 2 is up! I'll try to get Part 3 up tomorrow, but I'm expecting to be pretty busy tomorrow, so I'm not making any promises.

[dirtroad]

Khaki : not just a color (fabric?) after all.

Great posts.

[Khaki]

Okay, it's done!

This is so much longer than I expected and I didn't even BEGIN to cover anything beyond some basic inner game. Hope this helps some people!

[Decibel]

Well done. You're even more analytical than I am! I need some time to digest all this, but it all looks like solid advice.

[azazels_wolf]

Good stuff! You explained a lot of important concepts. I'm gonna toss in a nomination for this.

[dirtroad]

A side note from a newbie:
I actually bought Mystery's book on iTunes - being able to go back and listen to the various chapters at any time is great. For those who don't like to read, or to be seen reading this book, I HIGHLY recommend getting the audio book. I'll be listening to the book while running around during the day, then all of a sudden I'll hear something for maybe the third time and it will finally sink in. It's good for your day game, kinda like having him in your ear telling you what to do while you are in the field. Best $14 or so I ever spent.

[Divine]

Very good stuff Khaki, a intresting read.

I have a question though.
Is it required to read THE MYSTERY METHOD/ THE VENUSION ARTS HANDBOOK if you readed Decibels guide to PUA.

I'm asking this because i'm wondering if there's the same stuff in the guide of Decibel as in the books from Mystery.

[Divine]

Nevermind, I diden't saw the last part about that Decibels guide is a supplement etc.

[RAMM]

Part 3: Getting Started

Reality and frames

One of the most important things that you can do for your game (and your happiness in general) is to live in your own reality. It shouldn't matter what other people think of you because you should be "internally validated"... that means that your sense of self-worth should not be based on factors outside of yourself.

I'm not new to the game, but I'm new to getting a lot of validation from people. I'm not yet used to that.
I sometimes have a motivation issue, so I motivate myself through validation most of the times, which is bad. I've noticed that my frame goes kaboom as soon as I stop getting enough validation for a day or two.
What do you guys do internally either to motivate yourselves or to self-validate? I'm trying to get passed this limitation.
enen as practicing the ghost, as soon as I realize that it's working, I get a surge of adrenaline and I'm on for the night, but it ruins all of my game for the rest of the week, as soon as I stop getting much attention. This is why I peacock mostly, so I can get criticized, I don't get cought into the frame by being a ghost, and then as I realize this I feel like a God(pumping up my flame) :D I must be nuts.. should I not care at all?

[spiderred]

Excellent Intro Thread Khaki, I enjoyed reading this.

[charley999]

The welcome letter directed my attention to the FAQ. It is much more than the information that it contains. The moderated tone and show of respect for the new member is very attractive and elicits a sense of having found something of real quality.

Then, stumbling onto this as the subsequent reading, I felt like I was finding the entry point to the delivery on the expectation that the FAQ had left with me.

Aside from the PUA aspect, it's obvious that you guys are a class act.