CountG
02-05-2008, 08:07 AM
Dit is een artikel van Derek Vitalio. Hij was de eerste "goeroe" waar ik mee in contact kwam en ik ben nog steeds lid van zijn mailingslist. Ondanks dat ik inmiddels weet (heb begrepen) dat deze man alles jat van iedereen en in zijn eigen vaatje giet, is dit toch wel een nuttig artikel.. Lees het maar :) Zeker voor de beginners onder ons is dit een leuk verhelderend artikel...
Check it out!
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You know what, on average, people are most afraid of? It's notdeath. It's public speaking. As Seinfeld once said, most peoplewould rather be in the coffin than giving the eulogy.
That doesn't make much sense, does it?
By now you should be getting used to humans not making much sense.
This all comes from social pressure. No one wants to look stupid.Everyone wants to be the coolest guy in the room. And when youstand up in front of people, you give yourself the chance to FAIL.
Winston Churchill once said something like "I'd rather keep mymouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt."
He also said "Madam, I may be drunk, but I'll be sober tomorrow,and you'll still be ugly." Feel free to use that one.
Anyway, most people feel like Winston. When it comes to the foolquote, I mean. Almost everyone is so scared of doing something dumbthat they end up doing nothing. When opportunity arises they flashback to a bad experience from junior high, all these negativeemotions come flooding, and they freeze.
It's understandable. I mean, the emotional pain of embarrassmentand - worse - rejection is very real. Most guys prefer physicaldiscomfort to social awkwardness. So eventually you just avoidsituations where things can get awkward or embarrassing or - worse- rejecting.
STOP THAT!
Time for some tough love. When you're on your death bed - shouldyou be so lucky to have a bed - it isn't going to be the things youtried and failed that you regret.
It's the things you HAVEN'T TRIED. Always. Because you never knowwhat might have been.
I remember once when I was a young kid - maybe 14 - on the beachand some girls walked by me and said "Hi" with these salacious smiles.
I froze.
And I REMEMBER THIS! I rue that moment. I've approached thousandsof women since, and especially in the early going, I wasn't alwayssuccessful. I got shot down my fair share of times.
And I don't remember them much at all. Certainly not in a painfulway. At the time it might have hurt, but with practice you canlearn to deal with that pretty easily.
It's like breaking through the burn in a serious exercise regimen.It sucks while it happens, but once you've made it through itdoesn't seem so bad - in fact, you get to kind of enjoy it. Why?Because instead of avoiding the burn with fear, you push yourselftowards it, and you get great results. You wind up feeling good,and pride comes that you pushed yourself through to the reward.
Guess what? Approaching women much like that. It is EXACTLY like that.
When you see a beautiful woman and those nerves come, that'snormal. Everyone gets that. Even the best of the best still getthat occasionally, and those are guys with AMAZING success rates.
EVERYONE is scared of looking like a fool, and a beautiful woman can do that to you better than most. Hence, approach anxiety.
DEAL with it.
Most men don't fail with women because of some fatal flaw in theirbeing. It's because they never put themselves into a position wherethey can succeed. And when by luck they find themselves in thatposition they don't know what to do because they've rarely been there!
Thus, they screw it up, receive more negative feedback, and avoidsuch situations even MORE in the future. This is what psychologistscall a negative feedback loop, and it's an ugly thing. Tough todeal with too.
So what's a guy to do?
BREAK THE LOOP.
I'm not going to lie to you. When you approach women - especiallyto start - you'll have some negative interactions. You'll benervous, and although most women will be much nicer than your darkfantasies, they probably won't respond the way you want them to.
Even a nice brush-off is a brush-off, and it still stings.
Plus, there will be some women who WON'T be nice, WON'T humor yourawkward attempts, and will blow you out of the water.
Ouch.
Of course, after your first good workouts, you shouldn't be able tolift your arms above your shoulders.
Ouch.
The point is that you are BUILDING to something. The more practiceyou get, the less nervous you'll be, or at least the less nervousyou'll act (which is just as important). As you gain confidence,you won't have that fear ruining everything.
The butterflies will remain, but YOU will have control of them. Oneday you'll get a cold response, and you'll stay so inside yourselfand confident through it that you'll actually TURN the tables andhave women respect and LIKE you for it.
You'll have passed a test, and you'll get great reactions. This iswhen you start to - wait for it - ENJOY these socially chargedmoments. There will come a point where you SEEK THEM OUT becauseyou end up having POSITIVE responses. Either from the get-go or,more powerfully, when you deftly deal with a situation most men RUN from.
Break the negative loop, and you find yourself in a win-win place.That's not to say ALL women you approach will fall all over you -they have their own lives and issues to deal with - but you won'tever feel that it was YOUR fault.
If you're friendly, open, and confident, either she will open up toyou or she will have a personal reason why she doesn't.
You don't have to have that naked-in-the-locker-room junior highfeel. How do you get there?
Start with these exercises.
Tomorrow, go out and talk to 10 people. Any 10 - men, women,children, grandmas - just get used to TALKING with strangers. Getcomfortable doing it. Talk about books in the bookstore, music inthe CD shop, Columbia in Starbucks - anything, so long as you tryto do it NATURALLY.
More than likely some of the people you talk to will be women, andmore than likely some will be hot. Great. Treat them the SAME aseveryone else. Remember, you're just practicing the naturalconnection with humanity, something most people can't do around strangers.
Got it? Good. Now do the same thing for 10 days. That's right, 100people.
Just do it. Don't tell Phil Knight I said that. At the end of those 10 days you should feel a lot more relaxed approaching strangers and conversing with them. So the NEXT 10 days you are going to talk to beautiful women.
This doesn't mean to ignore everyone else, but if you see a womanthat you're attracted to, MAKE yourself talk to her. Ok, if she'sat a restaurant spoon-feeding her grandparents, you're excused, but if the situation is REMOTELY acceptable, you've gotta talk to her. Period.
If you want, you can simply say "I usually get nervous talking tobeautiful women, so I'm practicing talking to them in a relaxedway, staying in myself. Thanks for the help." Most of the time theresponse will be better than you think - she'll be flattered, and you might provoke a little nurturing instinct.
Don't stop there, of course. Try to talk for around 5 minuteswithout getting flustered. After 10 days, odds are you'll be prettygood. Some women might even volunteer their numbers.
But we're not finished. The NEXT 10 days you are going to go outand ask 10 women a day for their numbers, emails, even instantdates (like moving on to a coffee shop). Remember to stay relaxedand talk to them as you talked to everyone else. DO NOT change yourapproach - she'll know if you do. Keep cool and confident - therest will come.
At the end of this month, you'll be a new man. A more confident man. And, likely, a man with enough numbers to keep you busy for the next month.
You'll be starting to ENJOY those social pressure moments, becauseyou know that good connections come out of them. You'll have a positive feedback loop. You'll be ready for the next step.
Check it out!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what, on average, people are most afraid of? It's notdeath. It's public speaking. As Seinfeld once said, most peoplewould rather be in the coffin than giving the eulogy.
That doesn't make much sense, does it?
By now you should be getting used to humans not making much sense.
This all comes from social pressure. No one wants to look stupid.Everyone wants to be the coolest guy in the room. And when youstand up in front of people, you give yourself the chance to FAIL.
Winston Churchill once said something like "I'd rather keep mymouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt."
He also said "Madam, I may be drunk, but I'll be sober tomorrow,and you'll still be ugly." Feel free to use that one.
Anyway, most people feel like Winston. When it comes to the foolquote, I mean. Almost everyone is so scared of doing something dumbthat they end up doing nothing. When opportunity arises they flashback to a bad experience from junior high, all these negativeemotions come flooding, and they freeze.
It's understandable. I mean, the emotional pain of embarrassmentand - worse - rejection is very real. Most guys prefer physicaldiscomfort to social awkwardness. So eventually you just avoidsituations where things can get awkward or embarrassing or - worse- rejecting.
STOP THAT!
Time for some tough love. When you're on your death bed - shouldyou be so lucky to have a bed - it isn't going to be the things youtried and failed that you regret.
It's the things you HAVEN'T TRIED. Always. Because you never knowwhat might have been.
I remember once when I was a young kid - maybe 14 - on the beachand some girls walked by me and said "Hi" with these salacious smiles.
I froze.
And I REMEMBER THIS! I rue that moment. I've approached thousandsof women since, and especially in the early going, I wasn't alwayssuccessful. I got shot down my fair share of times.
And I don't remember them much at all. Certainly not in a painfulway. At the time it might have hurt, but with practice you canlearn to deal with that pretty easily.
It's like breaking through the burn in a serious exercise regimen.It sucks while it happens, but once you've made it through itdoesn't seem so bad - in fact, you get to kind of enjoy it. Why?Because instead of avoiding the burn with fear, you push yourselftowards it, and you get great results. You wind up feeling good,and pride comes that you pushed yourself through to the reward.
Guess what? Approaching women much like that. It is EXACTLY like that.
When you see a beautiful woman and those nerves come, that'snormal. Everyone gets that. Even the best of the best still getthat occasionally, and those are guys with AMAZING success rates.
EVERYONE is scared of looking like a fool, and a beautiful woman can do that to you better than most. Hence, approach anxiety.
DEAL with it.
Most men don't fail with women because of some fatal flaw in theirbeing. It's because they never put themselves into a position wherethey can succeed. And when by luck they find themselves in thatposition they don't know what to do because they've rarely been there!
Thus, they screw it up, receive more negative feedback, and avoidsuch situations even MORE in the future. This is what psychologistscall a negative feedback loop, and it's an ugly thing. Tough todeal with too.
So what's a guy to do?
BREAK THE LOOP.
I'm not going to lie to you. When you approach women - especiallyto start - you'll have some negative interactions. You'll benervous, and although most women will be much nicer than your darkfantasies, they probably won't respond the way you want them to.
Even a nice brush-off is a brush-off, and it still stings.
Plus, there will be some women who WON'T be nice, WON'T humor yourawkward attempts, and will blow you out of the water.
Ouch.
Of course, after your first good workouts, you shouldn't be able tolift your arms above your shoulders.
Ouch.
The point is that you are BUILDING to something. The more practiceyou get, the less nervous you'll be, or at least the less nervousyou'll act (which is just as important). As you gain confidence,you won't have that fear ruining everything.
The butterflies will remain, but YOU will have control of them. Oneday you'll get a cold response, and you'll stay so inside yourselfand confident through it that you'll actually TURN the tables andhave women respect and LIKE you for it.
You'll have passed a test, and you'll get great reactions. This iswhen you start to - wait for it - ENJOY these socially chargedmoments. There will come a point where you SEEK THEM OUT becauseyou end up having POSITIVE responses. Either from the get-go or,more powerfully, when you deftly deal with a situation most men RUN from.
Break the negative loop, and you find yourself in a win-win place.That's not to say ALL women you approach will fall all over you -they have their own lives and issues to deal with - but you won'tever feel that it was YOUR fault.
If you're friendly, open, and confident, either she will open up toyou or she will have a personal reason why she doesn't.
You don't have to have that naked-in-the-locker-room junior highfeel. How do you get there?
Start with these exercises.
Tomorrow, go out and talk to 10 people. Any 10 - men, women,children, grandmas - just get used to TALKING with strangers. Getcomfortable doing it. Talk about books in the bookstore, music inthe CD shop, Columbia in Starbucks - anything, so long as you tryto do it NATURALLY.
More than likely some of the people you talk to will be women, andmore than likely some will be hot. Great. Treat them the SAME aseveryone else. Remember, you're just practicing the naturalconnection with humanity, something most people can't do around strangers.
Got it? Good. Now do the same thing for 10 days. That's right, 100people.
Just do it. Don't tell Phil Knight I said that. At the end of those 10 days you should feel a lot more relaxed approaching strangers and conversing with them. So the NEXT 10 days you are going to talk to beautiful women.
This doesn't mean to ignore everyone else, but if you see a womanthat you're attracted to, MAKE yourself talk to her. Ok, if she'sat a restaurant spoon-feeding her grandparents, you're excused, but if the situation is REMOTELY acceptable, you've gotta talk to her. Period.
If you want, you can simply say "I usually get nervous talking tobeautiful women, so I'm practicing talking to them in a relaxedway, staying in myself. Thanks for the help." Most of the time theresponse will be better than you think - she'll be flattered, and you might provoke a little nurturing instinct.
Don't stop there, of course. Try to talk for around 5 minuteswithout getting flustered. After 10 days, odds are you'll be prettygood. Some women might even volunteer their numbers.
But we're not finished. The NEXT 10 days you are going to go outand ask 10 women a day for their numbers, emails, even instantdates (like moving on to a coffee shop). Remember to stay relaxedand talk to them as you talked to everyone else. DO NOT change yourapproach - she'll know if you do. Keep cool and confident - therest will come.
At the end of this month, you'll be a new man. A more confident man. And, likely, a man with enough numbers to keep you busy for the next month.
You'll be starting to ENJOY those social pressure moments, becauseyou know that good connections come out of them. You'll have a positive feedback loop. You'll be ready for the next step.