Newbie mission journal - Polynikes

[Polynikesdb]

I dedicate my journal to Wags, who is the inspiration for me to start this great idea in furthering discipline and success. I too am just now taking the first step, and through his posts I can see that it is possible to get past the first few hurdles.


My first post is a backtrack, for completeness sake.

[Polynikesdb]

Here's my newbie field report, what I consider anything resembling a first try for me after reading The Game and Mystery Method, as well as watching Mystery's DVD's and a few of the Annihilation Game. Though I did end up sleeping with a woman about 2 weeks after first reading those books, it felt more like a fool's mate since she was 10 years older (HB8, though) and was gaming me more than I her. Still talk on the phone and things, but she lives in another state....

Anyways, went out to the bar tonight. Currently living in a small tourist town for the past month on business, but moving next week to a big city. Wasn't expecting to sarge or anything, since I hadn't seen one HB in this particular town since I've been here--just wanted a drink.

Walked into the bar, immediately noticed the HB9 and HB8 bartenders, as well as a HB7 hostess who checked my ID. They all stopped and watched me enter; the stillness was palpable as the 7 asked for it. (one of the things I have going for me, looks) This was first possible IOI.

Asked for my Crown Royale, the 9 said nothing yet looked at me, then I said on the rocks. (maybe this way of ordering instills confidence, with a rhythm to speech?) Sat down and started to get to know the bar with my eyes, to feel comfortable, etc.

After about two minutes I saw the ring and a minor hump of pregnancy on the HB9. Up until this point, I hadn't realized that the other bartender was actually an 8, just that she was attractive.

At this point, I tried to come up with something to say to my new target, HB8. I figured that since I am not opening a set, and she is working, there is no point ignoring her and talking to the 9, etc. I'd have to talk to her directly.

Halfway through my first drink, she started giving me IOIs. Stealing glances at me from across the bar, walking by and smiling with a wink, etc. I knew it was on. Maybe this isn't all that surprising if an above average looking guy arrives at a bar in a small town where the pickings are slim.

Fast forward a few hours later, I've gone through three drinks, slowly, and a few glasses of water. She was always busy, running back and forth, and this was one excuse that I gave myself to not catch her attention with a finger. I was also dealing with mega AA--my entire body shaking, wanting to leave, the works. I've never gone past this point--ever; and the times that I asked a girl out before I was in a state of mind without AA.

My idea of what to say was to talk about an extraordinary experience that I had while I was driving away from a national park earlier today, to convey an interesting persona. (looking back on this, if she is already giving me IOIs without talking to me first, then I might be in A3 already, which means that I should screen her) Each time she would refill my water or drink, I would think about, but it wouldn't happen.

Finally, I did it. She came over, and I asked her if she had ever been to this place that I had been before. She said Once, and then a customer came up a few stools down, and she put a finger up, as to say Just one minute. Ok, I kinda sat back with my arm relaxed near my drink and looked away while she finished her business.

I thought she was going to come back to me directly. But she didn't. She did indirectly, by standing in front of the area in which she justed helped that customer. She did it a few times, and I was expecting her to come to me, and I thought that withdrawing my attention would bring her. Retrospectively, maybe in a regular setting, not with her being a bartender, this attitude might have worked as a withdrawal of attention as Mystery likes to do to start C1 when he brings a girl to a couch alone (I think it's C1...).

She did that a few times, and I didn't wave her over again, then she stopped hanging out near by. Things got a little busier for her, and it felt like the moment was lost.

After about 10 more minutes of just sitting there, not knowing what to do, I just left. It felt like I knew what I should have done in hindsight, but I botched the job. I thought that I would feel like an idiot asking her over again to bring up the same topic that I tried to bring up 15 minutes ago.

The entire night could be summed up as 'what the hell do I say, I want to interact but don't know how or what, I just gotta do something, oh shit what do I do now.' I was at the bar for a few hours, and just about all of that time I was thinking about how to get things started with this bartender, and get her phone number or vice versa. Because I'm going to be leaving shortly, I thought that I had an extra shot at pulling everything off once I got her number.

Any ideas? Things that I should/shouldn't have done? How does one get the phone number of a bartender in this type of situation, realizing that this is a small town, already getting IOIs, etc.? I realize that I'm a newbie going for hired guns, starting at the harder stuff maybe. Ha!

[Polynikesdb]

So I recently moved to a new location and am out of that rural setting.

I am trying a new lifestyle, where every day I must spend time on 5 areas of my life that I have deemed crucial to my self development; of course, one of these is the arts of being a PUA. This is also the area that needs the most work.

When I work during the week, I generally don't have time to "go out," but am being cognizant that if I am out doing something, to try and be social.

At this point in my game, just talking to people in general and holding up a conversation is difficult. I am an introvert, a thinker, and generally abhor small talk, etc.



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The second day I arrived here I went out to a DJ concert at what turned out to be an interesting venue filled with people my age (mid 20's). Not very many HBs, but again, I am just looking to meet people now, not picking girls up.

I peacocked the best I could with what I have. I have a crystal necklace that I bought a while back, and whenever I wear it in public for people to see I get oggled, by both men and women. Even the cashier at the convenience store said she liked it. I also got a good $40 (!) haircut earlier in the day, so I did feel more confident from that. I'm not used to the style of dress around here, so I'm going to stand out no matter, it feels like.

Anyways, the night didn't turn out well at all. Got there, walked around, found the bathroom, bought a drink. At that point, I just didn't feel like interacting with a bunch of strangers. I didn't know what to say.

Ended up saying a few situational things to people; you know, where you're listening to a conversation and you say a few remarks. If I had routines, I would have been able to stack, but I didn't, and nothing came spontaneously. Those few interactions went nowhere, but at least it happened.

Later on, a girl walked and stopped in front of me with a few guys. I thought they were together, at first. Her face was beautiful but she was built like a linebacker. The girl looked around, and out of the corner of my eye I caught her glance at me and her eyes flashed. Then she started flipping her hair a bit, facing away from me. (She was perhaps 5 feet in front of me.) The two guys that I thought she was with walked off and she stayed there. After about 30 secs of hair flips, she looked at me again. I saw the classic signs, but felt frozen. Finally, she tried one more time: walked a bit closer to me, and put each leg onto a step close by, pretending to stretch, directly in front of me. She looked at me one more time, then walked off. Later on, she found me again and tried the hair flip and standing in front of me bit, but I was still frozen and she left.

When this happened there was only one thought that was going through my head: "Reality is testing me. Go for it." But I didn't. I hadn't talked to anybody in a while, and I was in a paralytic state of observation, hearing and seeing, not interacting. While this was a perfect chance for me to do what I went there to do, I blew it.

I do not fault myself. I only see it for what it is. I am doing the right thing. I am making effort; with whatever small steps, I am making progress by at least going out. I am seeing the social dynamics now, the situations that create my playground.

I yearn for that person inside of me that I know exists. At the end of high school, I was that person in my social interactions. I've seen the deer-in-headlights eyes of girls attracted to me when I am confident, open, playful, happy, unencumbered. I've had periodic flashes of that brilliance since then, but nothing sustained. It is now time to unlock those talents hidden deep inside.

[Polynikesdb]

Two days ago, after work, I went out to the mall, intending not only to check my e-mail (internet down at home), but to also say 'Hi' to random girls as so many have suggested.

Unfortunately, it was pretty dead, as might be expected on a Wednesday night. I did say something to a girl who was sitting down at a booth near the cosmetics section of a department store, maybe doing something with surveys or something. She had her head propped up on one hand. As I walked by, I said "You looked bored." She perked up slowly, but I was pretty much already past her by the time she could really say something. Ha, I guess my intent here was to just say something to anyone and not expect anything in return. I could have said something to her again on my way out, but I chose to not deal with it.

In better news, I dropped off some film at a pharmacy after this. The girl at the counter took my film and order. As I was waiting for her to enter it in the computer, I had a thought.

"Man, I wish I had a digital camera. This film is expensive."

"Yeah, I had one, but it got stolen....." (trailed off)

"Car?"

"Yeah! ....."

She launched into a long story of how her house was robbed, including her car, and that she saw the guy driving her car on the street, etc.

There were points throughout this story where she would stop talking, and I didn't really have anything to say, so I would ask her another question about it to keep her talking. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves, right?

In this interaction, it was up to me to take it where I wanted to go. I was open and wanting to interact. A thought arrived, and I acted. If I had let it slide, then it would have been just another boring robotic sale, but instead I heard an interesting story and had an interaction with another human being.

If this was someone I was interested in, I wouldn't know how to handle it. That's beyond where I am now, unless it happens naturally when the mood mysteriously strikes.

That, by the way, is the beauty of what Mystery teaches, because it is inside of me already. During and after reading the MM, I had flashbacks of every relationship and social interaction I've ever had with a woman and could now see what was really happening, the different stages, the mistakes I made, the things that I did right without knowing it, the parts inside of me that are invincible once united.

[Polynikesdb]

Yesterday, I went to happy hour with two colleagues from work. We drove separately, meeting three of their friends there (I am new in town). I am interested in the one colleague who initially asked me out to happy hour. Let's call her KC.

When we sat down, the only chairs open were at opposite corners. Ok, fine, I don't need to sit next to KC because I need to work her friends first, right? This is the first time I've done anything outside of work with her.

The are all in the same program together (bonus points to anyone who can guess what I mean by 'program' and 'work') so they were talking a lot about people they know, etc., I felt left out. I was prepared for this, so I just accepted it.

After about 5 minutes I was able to strike up a conversation with the guy sitting right in front of me. I was doing a lot of talking about myself, my future goals, he was asking me questions, etc. It was working nicely, and I hadn't realized that I was winning over this guy until halfway through.

Then, something really interesting happened. The conversation just stopped, fairly suddenly. I could feel some type of ephemeral connection between me and every other person at the table. It was a circle, with me at the focus. The geometry lit up, and KC asked me a question. All eyes, all energy, trained on me. She had obviously been the main director of energy in the other conversation, and when she asked me, naturally it brought the table together. I took my cue, and answered, confidently, trying to talk with my hands the way Mystery and Matador do, which to me seems so comfortable and alpha and attractive.

It didn't progress very far. Somebody else started talking to someone else, and several conversations started once again, but the magical moment was not missed. I saw it and was aware of it. It was like pouring water into a bowl. I started small, with the person in front of me, steady and strong. Building up energy, the water overflowed, and I was center. I was There.

Enthralling as this was, it did not happen again, though I tried. Much of the remainder of the situation was numbed from one drink too many, and I became, once again, frozen, paralyzed to everything but passive observation with the two main senses.

So it is. And so it is.

[Polynikesdb]

Today, before she left for the day, KC gave me her phone number.

"Well, if you want to do something over the weekend, give me a call. That way you have someone you know in town."

Interesting attempt at disguising her interest by rationalization: to help a new friend.

It's obvious she is interested in me, how she asked me out to happy hour, the way she waited for me to eat lunch together, some slight kino standing nearby at times, and just in general feelings evoked with smiles and looks given. I have been able to palpate others attractiveness to me sometimes when I feel sexual energy well up inside of me when something is said or an action is taken, in a way that is generally not seductive. With the unsolicited number, it is guaranteed.

So, from this point I do not know how to proceed. If we were to go out somewhere, she would make an exceptional pivot. While appealing, the risk in this option is high, since I might be in a terrible mood, not wanting to interact with a bunch of people, or worse, not able to demonstrate my value and game her, ending up with a lousy night where she wouldn't want to do anything with me again the entire time we're here. Plus, dealing with a pivot realistically seems outside my current skill set.

I am considering call her Sunday afternoon (we don't work Monday), maybe a casual date (shopping or something ala MM).

Meanwhile, must still work the field in general, or at least try to get somewhere.

My sticking point right now is opening. Just don't know what to say, and most of the canned openers are just not me.

[Tony Danza]

Keep up the good field reports man. I know exactly how you feel. It's so weird, you can think of all these routines and openers, but when your actually talking to a girl it's so hard to exucute, because everything is moving so fast. I think of pick-up like a rookie quarterback. Theres never a rookie quarterback that has an amazing season. Maybe he has a good game like you throwing out a neg, but to do every step of the MM well takes experience. Peyton manning threw a ton of interceptions as a rookie. I bet he didn't let those interception define what type of quarterback he was. He knew he had to work on his mechanics and reading the defense better. Just like when you say something stupid or you get blown out of a set, you don't let rejection define you. You know what you need to work on so when the situation comes agains you will be ready. Sorry for the ranting, I just hope you don't get too down on your self.

[Deft9]

I dedicate my journal to Wags, who is the inspiration for me to start this great idea in furthering discipline and success. I too am just now taking the first step, and through his posts I can see that it is possible to get past the first few hurdles.
My first post is a backtrack, for completeness sake.

Wow thanks man! Best of luck to you!

[Polynikesdb]

It's been a week.

Things have gotten bad.

Last weekend, ended up spending most of the weekend with a friend who was in town. Called KC on Monday, but it was later in the afternoon and it didn't go anywhere. The next day I learned that she was really bored on Saturday and Sunday.... should have just called her on Saturday.

I tried to escalate our interaction a bit at work this past week. I found that if I maintain cognizance of my frame when I am interacting with people, my personality comes through much easier and I can create better responses and questions.

Yesterday, I was asked out to happy hour once again. The entire day I was extremely nervous and apprehensive. Part of it was thinking about KC and the game of it all, part of it is just my work environment and development. Anyways, I wasn't in the best mood going out. I tried to be happy and comfortable, but that never seems to happen. I can't change my mood at will.

I walked into the lounge by myself. A coworker was soon to follow me. I knew KC was going to be there already, with who else I didn't know. This is the setup when I saw where they were:

XOOX
Z
O
XKOX

X's are tables, Z her female friend (married), K is KC, O's are open velvet cushy seats. They each had a purse or something on the table next to them. As I approached from the right, they each put a hand out to touch their objects, the polite acquiescence to make sure that their things were not overcrowding a potential spot for someone to sit.

I froze. There were only two choices to make, and I made the wrong one. I chose the top O and not the middle one between the two girls. Without fail, whenever it has been my turn to show interest, I fumble. If I was in a more crowded venue, this would have been a more advantageous position as well, as surrounded by two women.

This basically ruined the night. Other people showed up and assumed positions. I couldn't get comfortable and spent most of the time listening to more conversation about people that they knew. I did make some light talk here and there, but the times that I did try to speak up I held no social weight. And when I was talking in front of the group, I had no aura, and my voice was heavy and leaden. Thus, the night bombed badly in many ways.

When I got home, I found myself in an acute depressive episode; I've been battling depression for most of my adult life. The past couple of weeks I've felt better than I've had for years, so this is really perplexing.

I had thoughts to ask KC out for wine tasting this weekend. It came up that I was going, last night, but I felt weird asking her in front of the group and so again, I fumbled. She also made some comments that she was going to be bored again this weekend, and I thought I felt an invisible tug from across the table, an unconscious desire for interaction akin to a woman standing nearby wanting to be opened. But, she was then soon talking with her nearby friend, discussing a plan to drive up to meet her friend after work and spending the night and next day together.

So at this point, I feel like I've lost momentum with this girl. With a consistent lack of display of social value, only a few occasions to talk, scattered moments of interaction, and the fumbling of obvious opportunities to display interest, there's no way that I can call her this weekend to go on a day long wine tasting trip. Or maybe there is and I don't have the proper perspective. She will only be at work for one more week; it's already been two weeks. Time has flown, yet what I've worked at has gone so slow.

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There is one question I must put to anyone reading this: what do you make of women talking about not getting any in a while, all dates in recent memory having gone sour, etc? They were talking about this, loudly, while the guys at the table were talking about something, and then again when we weren't talking. Is that to show availability? I just don't think that it was spontaneous conversation; she put an effort into putting it out there for a reason.
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I need to go out and talk to random people. I don't have time to go out during the week, but read about some aspect of the PUA every day. Don't know if I will go out tonight because I feel ill at the moment, and have so for most of the day. Still slightly depressed, which is probably part of it. I don't want to go out and have a shitty time and make my situation worse. This would be easier if the parts of my mental structure that I have no control over were more stable.

As frustrating as this is, this too shall pass.....

[Deft9]

I'm seeing some inner-game issues. Read some of bristolair.com's inner game articles and make sure you're out sarging 4 nights a week, avg. 12 sets a night. The constant rejection makes you stop caring so much what people think I've noticed. It's a very difficult period to get through.

I was giving my wing $100 and "earning" back $20 for each set I opened during the first couple weeks. Remember to open guys and UGs early in the night to get yourself into a talkative state.

There's something about this whole process that sort of "free's your mind." At least that's how I've felt.

[Polynikesdb]

I'm seeing some inner-game issues. Read some of bristolair.com's inner game articles and make sure you're out sarging 4 nights a week, avg. 12 sets a night. The constant rejection makes you stop caring so much what people think I've noticed. It's a very difficult period to get through.

I was giving my wing $100 and "earning" back $20 for each set I opened during the first couple weeks. Remember to open guys and UGs early in the night to get yourself into a talkative state.

There's something about this whole process that sort of "free's your mind." At least that's how I've felt.

Yes, definitely inner game. I do believe that the psychology behind this new social movement is deeper than that simple term, but that is certainly a good start. I am not claiming extraordinary uniqueness, but in my own case I feel like this specific hurdle of mine is the largest I've ever come across in my consciousness. I have been an introvert's introvert, a socialite's coffin, the antithesis of interaction for the better part of 3 years. To be the center of attention or in control of a social gathering, in the moment, causes me great apprehension and internal strife, to the point that I am shaky and jumpy. For these years, it has always felt like there has been some sort of indescribable 'problem' when interacting with others, where I feel like what I say and do is inappropriate on various levels, to the point where apprehension lives inside no matter what my decision in the moment. There is no spontaneous in-the-moment socializing, such as what came easily in childhood. This doesn't occur all of the time in all situations, but in a broad brush stroke, this is how I would characterize this incarnation of myself over this period.

I have no doubt in your statement, Wags, of this process "freeing your mind." Because, I have seen glimpses of that freedom, and it is beautiful and natural and real. That is what I am trying to uncover in this hard process.

I wish I had the time to sarge 4 nights a week, but I really don't--not in my line of work and with the other things going on in my life. Though, if I am out running errands, I view this time as appropriate to develop people skills and interact with those that I come into contact.

On rejection, for those who may be more interested in the psychology/psychiatry behind this phenomenon, look up the symptoms of 'atypical depression.' One of them is sensitivity to social rejection, above and beyond the emotions that normally come with rejection. That is, it is 'normal' to have negative emotions accompany rejection, as everyone has felt, but these people feel them more acutely.

See the latter half of this post for more on sarging...

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So this weekend. Friday I just ended up doing a shit load of reading; same as Saturday during the day. I prepared 3 openers for Saturday night, most that I had adapted from some material I found on the DallasPUA page, tweaked to my preference. This is what I had memorized, word for word:

1) Hey guys! Quick question. I'm living here just for a few weeks because of work, and I'm thinking about moving to the northwest. So, tell me, which city is a better place to live, Portland or Seattle?

2) Hey guys! Quick question. I had a girlfriend tell me that most women don't wear half the shoes in their closet. Is that true?

3) Hey, quick question before I meet my friends: what do you think about long distance relationships? Because my friend John met an older woman while he was traveling around the country, and they want to be together. But she can't move because of her job, and he can't move because of school. Do you think things like that ever work out?

I also had a general idea of where I would take the conversation after that, depending on the response. I figured that these were good openers, providing a few hooks for questions, as well as conversation developers with social drama, advice, etc.

I spent a long time with grooming and style. I plucked my eyebrows last week, but I spent even more time, plucking not only the ones that had started to grow back but also the ones my naive eye missed previously. My nose hairs were not left out of the action. My shaving technique was exceptional. My fingernails were trimmed. The skin on my face was glowing with fresh moisturizer, lip balm, and the favorite after-shave. Of course, my teeth and tongue received the work over as well. (I recommend reading the Looks and Grooming article from the StyleLife Challenge which can be found on the DallasPUA page) Last week I had gone shopping a few times in some thrift stores and found some pretty good deals. And so, I headed out to accomplish the deed. Except for the small sickness residing somewhere in my stomach that had been with me the past couple of days, since Thursday, I felt and looked like a million bucks.

Preparing my openers really put me in the mood. At first, I felt and sounded like an idiot. But I quickly got the hang of it, putting the inflections in the right spot (I hoped). Even more important, it helped put me in the right state. I felt like I was already talkative--because I was forcing myself to be to practice these--and I was upbeat, as well. My plan open. I had researched two locations that had live bands playing. If I needed more or a different location, I could always walk around town and find a different place.

It was hard to find parking. Ended up in a parking garage, practicing my openers one last time before I exited the car. At this point, the anxiety started to set in. I tried to get through this by reciting the openers more, though I never felt as good as I did while I was at home or while driving.

It was about a 10 minute walk to my first destination, passing people every now and then. People on the street were too much for me, I needed to go somewhere where people were milling around already socializing.

Walked by the first place and either it was dead, the band hadn't started yet, or everyone was someplace further inside the building. I didn't enter to find out. I kept walking, passing an Irish pub with a band playing, but glancing inside, the place didn't look right to me. (ha) I think I walked by a one or two other places with the same response. I ended up walking into a pretty cool arcade--they had the best selection of classics that I've ever seen, and served good beer with a live DJ for kickin' music. By this point, I was in a different state than I was previously. It seemed like my goals had changed. I had resigned myself to not going to a social gathering and opening set after set like I had originally intended. Perhaps that's why I walked into this place, so I would have an outlet with which to procrastinate. Because really, I didn't want to do this in the first place. I had not felt healthy most of the day.

Walked up to the bar and the one of the bartenders, who was female, was cold and rude, which didn't help anything. I didn't really talk to anyone while I was there, except make a few situational comments to people. There were a few HBs, but no one that I was interested in. It wasn't really a type of place to do the things that I need to work on, and the people didn't seem inviting (maybe this was a reflection of internal set?). The openers that I had prepared seemed sorely out of place, and the thought of approaching someone at that time with what I had felt idiotic.

After I left, I could feel myself slipping down into another depression. By the time I got home, I was down there, as low as I was Thursday night. Truthfully, I didn't have a reason why, because there was only a superficial part of me that was mad at myself, which I easily saw through. The deepest part of my self was depressed and I didn't know why. Guess the only thing it could have been was failure. It is hard to describe depression to someone who really hasn't been depressed. My entire body, including sensation and mentation, was not motivated to do anything. There was a black hole of emptiness deep in the center of my chest. As I laid spread eagle on the floor face up, even existing was hard. Because beyond existing, I did not want to live. It seemed that everything that my life consisted of was worthless, and meant nothing to anyone: I could disappear without a trace. (see Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely) I gathered enough energy to reach over and grab a journal that was almost completely written through, and quickly thumbed through the pages that made up the last four months or so, perhaps gaining a quick bird's eye view of the most recent era of my life. The words of exclamation that I had written months before, after reading The Game, were symbols that meant nothing. I wondered if this was the wrong thing for me to be doing, causing me to be depressed acutely. Maybe I am introverted for a reason; fuck pushing myself over a cliff, falling to a mini-death until I learn how to clutch the rope hanging over the edge. I have other things to do in this life that I am actively working to achieve; maybe this is a sign for me to travel down a different path. I sat down to do my nightly meditation, but inside I was screaming and frustrated. So I went to bed, darkness darker than the night in the room.

I dreamed social dreams. I had a social interaction with an older woman that I used to hang out with (pre-MM) but haven't seen in a long while; nothing 'happened,' but it was positive. There were some other dreams along the same lines, but none that I can remember. My first thought upon waking was a vocal remark: I feel better. Sleep can be a wonderfully refreshing state. I felt like I had been run over by a truck full of sleeping pills, but I wasn't the Captain of Emptiness anymore.

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Today was my day to go wine tasting. I got my maps ready, showered, and dressed stylish once again. My intention was not to sarge today, and that's definitely not what happened. I just wanted to sample some good wine, which I love, and see parts of the countryside. For anyone that lives in an area that offers wine tasting (which is mostly Oregon, Washington, California), it can be a highly attractive market to work on skills, though it is generally not target rich. People are much more open, not just because of the alcohol but because wine is a social activity, and you can talk readily with the servers depending on the numbers of tasters. The servers actually do the opening on you half the time as they introduce the wine. This is great for people like me who find it easy and natural to do situational openers. I think I might have killed myself (I don't know if that's a figurative word or not in this connotation...) if I had tried to do daygame today, on either the servers or the patrons.

Nevertheless, I used today to feel out the social sphere a little more. For instance, there was one server, who was an HB7 cougar who loved to be in the spotlight and talk and talk and talk.... She tried to tell me that a certain type of meat went well with the wine I was currently tasting, but I told her that that wouldn't work because I'm vegetarian. It was interesting to present this challenge to her, because then she was slightly flustered when she had to actually think and not talk continuously. This wasn't A1, this was just me acting on an impulse in my mind, because I didn't think I was interested in her (though maybe I was having this impulse because it was an unconscious A1...yes, I love cougars). Then, she told me a dish that I had overheard her tell someone else. At that point, I just said 'ok,' but a few seconds later I realized that I should have called her out on it again, because she used the same dish on a different wine when talking to a different customer; I should have retorted that she needed to think of something else or risk being unoriginal. This would have challenged her again and kept my frame strong. But, I'm not mad at myself or anything, because considering the circumstances I'm happy that I was out anywhere making any type of interaction with anyone.

This day ended up well, and I am not in the same state that I was last night, remarkably. The rapidity of my descent and rise is slightly concerning, but right now there is not much to do about it. I've gone through periods of reading intensely about depression, and have gone through counseling, yet I still seem to end up in the same place.

------------------------------

I am considering altering my approach in my self-learning of the Venusian Arts. Just as there are different methods, there are also different learning styles. MM and most people expound the newbie missions and various other ways of jumping into things, what may be called a direct method of learning. I think for most people this really seems like the best approach, especially for people who are slightly more socially aware, have experience with dealing with people, enjoy 'having fun' with friends going out (something I only rarely do with my friends), or don't mind small talk. I have a hard enough time having a comfortable, fun evening with my own friends, let alone people I've just introduced myself to.

To further this line of thinking, I am beginning to wonder if I should concentrate instead on my day game, specifically working on situational openers, which I find easier since I have an excuse to be in that person's existence, and off IOIs, which are coming more often with my style changing. As day game has always been referred to as "slower" than night game, the pacing might relieve the intense pressure that is appearing to drive me into episodes of acute depression. I am more comfortable (but not completely) during the day, and certainly more so than at night at a bar or lounge or club. The night scene would be something to add to my experiences after I've had more time to develop sans depression. Day game also offers diverse situations for me to work off. This was one reason I originally chose to go to a scene with live music last night, because there was another reason to be there besides a place to drink and socialize.

One thing I noticed today, with my stylish outfit and grooming, were the IOIs from women. The one thing that I do have in my arsenal, in an attempt to make up for the mental pitfalls, is my natural attractiveness; always have and will. And I know how lucky I am to have that, but ultimately how little it means. During that last few weeks I've gotten myself some really stylish threads, ones that most importantly fit well, with good looking shoes, some rings and a necklace. It was amazingly easy to do this. All of this time I had thought that it was so hard to find things that I liked, felt comfortable wearing, and was in my price range (always frugal...). It always seemed like I never had any fashion sense whatsoever.

All I had to do was go to some place like Buffalo Exchange, with the intention (this is key) of finding style, and try a bunch of things on. Repeat about 3 or 4 times and I've found a few things. If I went in because I "wanted to see what they had" or "needed just any pair of jeans that fit" I wouldn't find anything good. I would only find things when I went in with the intention of finding "the most stylish things that will make me look as attractive as possible." This had to be done over many days/weeks, because it takes too much energy and time to do it all at once and my success rate was about 1 per 12 articles. Plus, picking something up every once in a while kept each article more unique and kept my 'style mind' in shape. Then, I couldn't be satisfied with the garment until I felt sexy and confident, and not necessarily in front of the mirror; when you feel sexy, there's no going back. It was easiest to start with a ring or necklace. For some odd reason, adding these made me more aware of what is on my body, and made me want to update my torso and legs and feet.

So now, I've ended up spending the same amount per article than I would have before, but I catch eyes. And that's something I'm not used to (actually, it still makes me a little apprehension, but I'm working on that and trying to stand tall underneath it all). I see people glance at the rings when I move my hands around, sneak a peek at the necklace, maybe with a comment or two. When I was walking around today, it was doubly effective with my grooming. I'm startled, actually, at how much better I appear with simply plucking my nose hairs and eye brow line. Additionally, the style I'm developing is helping me give an aura of feeling confident and sexy, even if it sometimes doesn't match the internal state. I had lunch at a bistro with a bunch of teenage waitresses, and it was amusing to watch them sneak glances. Some of the wine bar servers would do the same thing. This is a new level of IOI that I didn't have previously, which was a glance every once in a while. But today, it was every place I went.

So, I'm going to use it to my advantage. Gone are the AFC jeans and shirts that I used to wear. In comes my evolving style and in come the IOIs which will give me a springboard to opening. And in comes the easier day game with a new found aura and external confidence.

Right now, this is my approach.

(this is so long I don't expect anyone to read it, so yes, this is more for me than anyone else, but if you are keeping abreast, I hope it helps you)

[Tony Danza]

This is an awesome FR. Keep it up man, and good luck conquering AA.

[Polynikesdb]

And I update.

The past week and some days, though not involved with sarging per se (or, attempts, rather), have still been busy with improving on the things that need to be done in my life.

I've shopped for more clothes almost every other day. I've only added 4 or 5 new pieces to my wardrobe, but they are quality. If it didn't fit perfectly, I wouldn't leave the store with it. If I didn't feel sexy in it, I wouldn't leave the store with it. No longer would I except overly baggy jeans, long pant legs, wide shirts, boring shirts, drab shirts, just because it was cheap or convenient.

As I was doing this, I was practicing "going out" with myself at the same time. I would try combinations of clothes that I'd already bought, groom myself to the best of my abilities, making sure I felt like a million bucks, and then not go to the bar, but to a clothing or jewelry or book store. Not only was I practicing making myself look good, but I was practicing being that person. I am still not used to the increased looks from people, male or female, gay or straight--but again, practice. And then this lets me be more aware of the subtler IOIs, the intonations of voice, the slight look of the eyes past a conversation partner to light on me with a quick reverse when I catch them.

People can sense it all unconsciously. I've been opened by more people this week than any other 7 day period of my life.

I've been practicing living my life in geometry. Making sure I spend time on certain parts of my life that have special meaning to me completes every day. If this does not happen, I realize that it happens, but I try harder the next day to complete it. This geometry has been one of the most important things that I've done in my life for self-discipline. It is making my totality progress, not just a certain area.

I've spent some more time reading various PUA materials. There were some great articles on bristollair.com suggested by Wags. The important relevant material I copied into a personal wiki on my computer.

I reread the first 100 or so pages of The Game, for inspiration and additional insights. It's amazing how fast Style picked the game up, but looking at it a second time I can see why: besides being a smart person and quick learner, he had a head start. His CV as an author (just looking at books, here) is amazing. Before he was introduced to Mystery, he had already spent considerable amount of time with high profile celebrities. For his job, he interviewed people and looked at them with a social eye. He would not be able to spend time with these people if he was socially retarded, let alone write bestselling books about them. Between three groups of rock stars and one of the most famous porno actresses, he had already been exposed to many of the "fun" atmospheres that PUAs are supposed to be able to create on their own. Finally, he of course was named Style for a reason. Read Step 2, Chap 2: he already knew how to dress--peacocking came easy for him when he later donned his red cowboy hat from insistence by Mystery.

I don't have those things that Style did, and most of us don't. I guess I'm just looking for a reason to be ok with where I'm at and the approach that I'm taking. Right now I can't push myself to sarge because I've already sent myself into 2 depressions, so I'm trying to work on other things in the mean time. In The Game, Style writes that it took Mystery a dozen rides on the train into the gaming areas of Toronto before he sarged his first girl. (I just skimmed through The Game trying to find the page where I read this but can't find it right now, someone let me know if you come across it) His work into developing the MM, starting on his own, came from the depths of depression. I don't identify with Mystery completely, but there are parts of him that I see in myself.

I know when I will go out sarging again. It will be when I have a bit more self-confidence and less self-consciousness. I am moving this Friday back to another city for most of the rest of the school year, back to my home really, where I have friends. When I go out with them, I will feel more comfortable around others, and be able to proceed. Sarging by myself, where I am now in progress, is torture.

----------------------------

I learned something about facial expressions today from a new co-worker. For whatever reason, raising eyebrows, squinting eyes just a tad, connecting them with a smile while talking, is extremely flirtatious. I figured out later on after some IOIs that this chick digs me, but she did this to me early in the day when we were talking for the first time. I wasn't really attracted to her, but when she was actively using her muscles of facial expression, specifically around the eyes, I was turned on and engrossed in her. I tried it for the rest of the day whenever I talked to her, and I felt like I was more interactive and could keep people's attention easier. My frame was also strengthened. A new observation for myself that I'm going to try and incorporate in my body language instead of a boring smile. ;)

[dex5]

Good work Poly. Man, I identify with A LOT of what you're saying and going through. The way you describe your experiences in social settings ? Shit man, I feel EXACTLY like this...just being out in public and having to talk to people is really, really difficult for me but even moreso when I'm the center of attention - even if only for a few seconds - or in a venue where the main purpose for being there is supposed to be for talking to other people (i.e. bar, lounge, etc.) And when I "fail" to accomplish my goal, I respond very, very similarly to how you do...hopeless like things will NEVER get better.

I am only JUST starting out, so I haven't even gotten to the points you have gotten, and I don't know how to overcome this deep anxiety about interacting with random people, or more specifically this deep ambivalence about interacting with them in the first place. For me, it's like...hey, you're going to be a complete retard anyways, so why should I even bother unless I want something from you (i.e. sex)?

I wish I knew if it's possible to get past this. I hope so, but more importantly I think so. Here's why:

Look at how your emotional state changed when you started dressing differently and noticed getting many more IOI's than usual. You were very pleased and uplifted. I think this is because you, for the first time on a consistent basis, felt some measure of success that you had confidence in.

You had confidence in it because you KNEW it was true IOI based on your experiences with your looks throughout your life. You know you're good looking and so didn't question the authenticity of the repsonses you were observing. Thus, you felt a strong sense of hope and optimism that you just might end up getting what you want.

But when it comes to all this other stuff - actually talking to people, etc. - you are nearly at a complete loss. My heavily-qualified-but-not-uneducated *GUESS* is that if you were to experience success with this, you would stop feeling so depressed and things would get easier and easier - not EASY, but less and less difficult and less and less depressed.

Only problem - and I share this EXACT problem with you - is that you have SUCH a long road ahead (or so it appears at least) in this department that when progress doesn't materialize immediately, you start feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. I hope you don't quit when this happens. You really have a couple of choices when it does....go back to depressed life as usual or suck it up and keep learning, keep trying because this really is the ONLY WAY you're ever going to get what you're after. And besides, you're probably going to be pleasantly surprised along the way at how things end up falling into place far quicker than you expected (i.e. a little success goes a lot further than you thought it would...hopefully ffs).

Like I said, I'm JUST starting out, but I will soon be starting my own report journal (oh, man, this is gonna be HARD). I feel this is the only way.

Good luck, bro. I'm gonna keep reading your thread. I give you props for even trying the things you're already doing, given how difficult and painful much of it turns out to be. So some girl with a hot face (yea, bad body...too bad) returns by herself SEVERAL times to pose for you....even going so far as STRETCHING in front of you (I assume this is a very strong indicator of interest) and the only thing you can do is you pee your pants right there? LOL. Classic !!!!

Dude, you HAVE to stick with this. I hope you get to the point where that depression rarely, if ever, shows up. Much luck.


Peace.

[Polynikesdb]

Good work Poly. Man, I identify with A LOT of what you're saying and going through. The way you describe your experiences in social settings ? Shit man, I feel EXACTLY like this...

Dex5:

Thank you for the comments! It is helpful to know that there are others out there who feel similar things that I do and are having similar experiences--one reason why I decided to start an online journal. I think you are right about the depressive episodes, that this initial barrier is so high for me that having no success is devastating. I don't know how "long" this road is. In one sense, it really seems like I can get to where I want to be in a few years, and then in a larger perspective there is no end at all--which would be the realm of all conceivable human social interactions. It is hard to objectify a goal in a subjective realm, but in a few years I want to be at a certain 'unspecified' level of comfort in walking up and talking to a random HB, comfort in the middle of social situations or sets at places that people gather to relax and have fun, and comfort in opening sets. If I am not comfortable enough for my own liking, then I am not there yet, simple as that.

I, too, used to abhor small talk. Why do I need to exchange meaningless words with someone that I will never see again? Give me my change, my drink, my meal, my receipt--let's go, move on. I had an ex who would talk to everyone and it annoyed the fuck out of me when I was with her. But I see now what I did not before. There is enjoyment in the interaction itself, beneath the words. There is meaning to connecting with another person, another being, another consciousness such as I. Who was it who said that it is possible to see sexual relations in all aspects of reality? For sex is simply one kind of connection between two (or more.... ;)) people, and connection is what the soul seeks.

I engage in small talk with people now. Usually it is not much, never more than a few sentences back and forth. Surprisingly, it is easy when I don't think about it or become distracted by internal musings--just let it flow. Like I've mentioned before, I've already put myself out there with the new style that I am creating, and people unknowingly talk to me since I have already opened myself to the universe. For example, today, I was dressed more AFC style cause my newer clothes are dirty, and this old guy opened me when I was putting a bag into my car at my apartment complex. He asked me a few questions about my car, how it has held up, he used to have the same make years ago but it always broke down, etc. When I was younger, the attitude and energy that I expressed would not have been open to him; I didn't want anything to do with an old person. But now, it doesn't matter, because I will talk with anyone, to experience the connection and to practice. It feels wonderful to happily engage another person. Or at least try; sometimes it is harder if I get opened by someone and I am with a friend, since I feel embarrassed opening up in front of others (yes, yet another thing to get over).

Start your journal, man. I like Mystery's idea of "just snap," go wild and surprise yourself and break out of your mold right now, if even only in a few ways. Look forward to seeing your progress!

(I don't know if you were exaggerating or what, but I didn't pee my pants when that chick was stretching in front of me, though it wouldn't have been too far from me being paralyzed. Funny scenario.....I snicker at it now, hopefully years from now I can laugh my ass off at it!)


Gonna update again tomorrow, since it's late and there are things to discuss about this past week.

[Polynikesdb]

Last Tuesday.

I went to campus because today was a lecture day for my class. I hadn't seen any of my classmates for 3 months due to traveling. They weren't going to see the old me. I wanted to dress to impress, not necessarily to peacock, but to be noticeable. Surprisingly, there was no apprehension in making the decision to do this, and I didn't force myself: I wanted to do it. It is so easy to just don the AFC garb and be invisible, but fuck that! I need to get somewhere in life!

For the most part, I was the person that I didn't let out of the bag very often before. I was talking to others, people walked by seeing me, and the shirt that I wore received a few compliments. There was smiling and banter with people that I hadn't seen in a long time. There was a time when I stepped back into old habits while walking through a crowd, quickly from one side to the other without talking to anyone. But such is normal, and noticing it now helps me in the future.

There was one particular occurrence that provokes my pride. I got there late, and there were two people sitting outside the lecture hall. Having to pee, I walked by them to use the restroom. When I came out, I began to walk by the same place again, but there were about 7-8 people there now, all of them sitting on the couches. I was halfway walking past them to the door of the hall, when an impulse came to me. It wasn't words, but it felt like "Say something." My head first turned, then my hand came up with a thumb pointed backwards, and then my shoulders half-squared, all in perfect timing with the question, "S.. So why isn't everyone in there?" All of them looked up and at me, for I addressed no one in particular, thus the entire group. It happened so naturally, that I was surprised; things like this just happen when you live off natural impulses. One of them made a comment, I responded to them and not the group, and proceeded to sit down next to him and started a conversation.

Looking back at this, there's no way I could have done that if I "prepared" a routine and thought about it over and over and over, perhaps while in the bathroom. It came out just the way that it should have. I think there must be a trick in finding what you want to do in each moment, which is intention, and existing from that intention, without worrying about illusory consequences and fears. For this is how I put myself out in the open in front of a mixed group of people, by following my intention and not a script based in anxiety upon the context of being unexperienced. I have everything that I already need. I must simply realize it. I am already HERE, there is nothing to fret over, there are just illusions.

--------------

One minor thing to note is a remark that a stylist made while she was cutting my hair a few days ago. In conversation, I told her that I don't go to barbers anymore because they end up making my head look like a bowling ball. In return, she said, "Well, you've got some style in you, so I can understand needing to go somewhere different."

I'm on the right track. :cool:

[Polynikesdb]

I think I may have stumbled across a new venue for sarging.

Just try to keep an open mind.

Are you ready?


.....


Apartment front offices.



Yes, you read right. It's not really realistic, but if you're really bored some afternoon it's something to do....

I've been searching for a new apartment the past couple of weeks, and I've gone to maybe 6 or 7 complexes that I found off Craigslist, not counting a few run down places that I discovered existed that way when I drove by. Most of these places have hired guns in the front office, that take you to show off the apartments and sign paperwork, etc. The complexes are more likely to have hired guns in nice parts of town, upscale areas, near known cougar dens, etc.

Most of these hired guns are at least in their mid-twenties. When I visited one of the first locations, I didn't realize what could have happened there until after I left. I was shown around by an HB7. The game isn't always on for me, and lately, my life has been filling with other obligations that have necessitated a little bit of a relapse for me. However, my mind has still been noticing systems of social interaction and opportunities for negs, DHVs, etc., and trying to subtly work on them when I can. I watched this women do many things that I could have negged her on: dropping keys, not knowing something about the apartment, the like. She actually negged herself a few times because she was complaining about her hair because it was raining outside at the time, for instance.

A few other places I went to, it was all the same things over and over. The social interaction is interesting. They are supposed to get into your business a little bit, try to get to know you, how long you have been in town, why this location, etc. and all of those questions can be used to DHV.

So after I left this first place, I had a random fantasy of getting it on with this chick in one of the empty apartments, and it was then that I realized how I could use this situation.

The next couple places I went to were a little more upscale. There was an AMAZING HB9 cougar with an accent that showed me the place. There weren't as many opportunities to DHV or neg, and I didn't feel adequately trained to try to tackle an obstacle such as this, so I just played it cool and didn't try anything at all. Well, she did catch me checking out her cleavage once. I love doing that, but I need to work on it because it's an unconscious reflex that can ruin progress.

Finally, I ended up at the place where I eventually signed a lease. The amazing thing was that I hit it off with the HB8 that was showing me around. She provided all sorts of opportunities to neg, because she didn't get the right key a few times, forgot to show me something in one of the apartments, I knew the pricing schedule better than she did, etc. Though I had a really hard time negging and busting her for things, playful banter, I did seize a few of these opportunities and she seemed to respond to them well. This was one thing that I was pondering when I left some of the other places, because I saw the opportunity before me but felt frozen in the moment. There were also a few synchronicities on our backgrounds, as well, giving me a chance to say, "Oh really? No way! I used to...."

A really interesting moment came randomly when she asked me how old I thought she was--I think this was an IOI. I negged her about forgetting a key, saying that she must be getting old. She laughed, and said that she just recently had a birthday, and then she asked me the question. I said, "Hmmmmm..... let's see.... [I was stalling a bit because I was thinking of game tactics in my mind]... 20?" She made some sort of laughing exclamation and said something like, "Really?!" I said, "Haha, no I'm just kidding. Hmmm let me see...." She made a smaller remark that I don't remember, but it all felt like a good neg. I ended up guessing 33, and she was 31. Perfect, I love older women (though I would just call her older as a technical relative difference, not as a cultural difference).

When I was signing some of the paperwork, we were in an apartment model and she was asking me some personal questions (about her) related to my field of study (ok, I'm in medical school, will be a doctor relatively soon). She also tried to continue the conversation a few times and ask me questions. I took all of these as IOIs.

In the end, I did not #-close but felt that there could have been a chance if she didn't have clients waiting for her in the front office when we parted ways. I have to drop off more paperwork later on this week, and I am thinking about possibly trying it then. It seemed like we really built some sort of unique connection, and she was attracted to me. The snags are that I don't know whether she is taken or not (I refuse to game someone who is in a relationship). She has two kids, which normally would be a no go for me, but at this point I am just looking to get somewhere in any relationship with a woman. Past that, kids are a wooded cross to my vampire. She didn't have a ring on her left ring finger, but had one on her right ring finger as well as on her left middle finger. The left one could not have been a wedding/engagement band, but the right one could have been. I guess I should have just asked her.

I could have screened much more with her. I was only negging, and not qualifying. The beginning stages of A123 seem slightly twisted because she was already trying to get to know me. Plus, throughout the entire reaction I was knee deep in the waters of anxiety. I was literally shaking towards the end of our interaction, though I hid it from her. It is now several hours later and I am finally starting to calm down. Looking back at this, I can see a little bit of courage in what happened, in facing that anxiety and trying to work through it.

So that's it. I now give everyone permission to falsely look for apartments in classy areas, searching for hired guns. I might try it again later on.... ;)

P.S. Anyone have any ideas on how to get a #-close when I go back? Was thinking about a line around "so we should continue our conversation sometime" concerning some of the things that we were talking about, but I don't want to do that and have her be taken and then feel like an ass.

[rockskipjump]

Hey Polynikes,

Like dex5 and Tony Danza (hehe), I really like your journal and am amazed at how much I identify with what you have to say. I posted a reply to your latest post in my own journal, which I just started a few days back.

I really hope you keep up posting, your posts are interesting and you're a good writer.

[Polynikesdb]

It's been a while.

The office girl at my new apartment complex didn't work out. I went back to sign the lease with the requisite paperwork and apartment inspection, but I had a hard time talking to her behind of the other things going on. A few days later I randomly appeared in the office (I know when she works), and I was looking for a package they supposedly had. Her desk is near the door--she was on the phone. I walked past with barely a glance at her and talked to one of the other clerks. As a leaned against the chair waiting, I glanced past her out the window. That was when she looked over at me, waved, smiled, and said hi. When I left she was still on the phone, but I smiled and said goodbye on my way out, with a returning smile and wave from her. Under the circumstances, I think it was the best that I could have done to keep some sort of contact between us, to make sure she remembers me. I also think ignoring her until she acknowledged me was a good idea, especially if she was on the phone, which might be an IOI. In the future, I will see her again, and I already have a comment prepared, so we'll see what happens.

-------

So last night was my first night out truly sarging. I went out with a guy, Corey, that I had met a few weeks ago before I left for 2 weeks to visit family. We had actually been out with some guys from the ArizonaPUA forum that night, but it was a Wednesday and there were no sets--I didn't open anyone. But, Mason picked up this girl on the street, complete F-close, and it was good to see how these things work beyond the movie screen of my mind.

Corey and I met at a coffee shop, talked preparation for about 40 minutes (he's opened a decent amount of sets at this point), with a plan to sarge at Tempe and then bounce to Scottsdale. (For those unfamiliar with Phoenix, Tempe is the home of Arizona State University, Scottsdale is the richest, and most club saturated, area in the Phoenix area) That first night that I went out with a group, I wasn't prepared at all. How I arrived at our meeting place was mysterious, because I wasn't fretting over what I was going to try to do that night. A deeper part of my consciousness pushed my outer ego and body into the situation because all of me needed to go through the experience. There was an undercurrent of nervousness, a simultaneously sloppy approach to reality, while I was showering, grooming, driving, walking.

It was the same experience last night, except this time I had prepared some openers and performed square breathing while driving. When I arrived, and until right before we walked into the first venue, my being was not existing in complete knowledge of what was going to happen, of what I was planning to do. My eyes were shut against the bright sun, and I didn't want to look at if there was no need. In the same manner, this is how I sometimes avoid parts of my consciousness (sometimes it doesn't work...) that I have no need to revisit since they cause pain only for pain's sake, such as past betrayal and shame, uneasiness and embarrassment. I know it's there, I just don't have to look at.

And so the door was shut, bright light shining around the frame, and I didn't open it until I walked through. "Wow, this place looks packed!" he said. As we walked up to the first venue, there was anxiety, but I tried to push it down. "So.. we're going in here?" "Yeah, we're going to go in, just open one set and eject, then we'll leave. That's all." As I replaced my ID, walking through the doors, I sensed my old habits of bars, drinking to drink, just sitting, pondering, lost in mind, wishing for things to happen. Past that existed a different objective, of entering here only to talk to people, and it was to that which I aligned. I literally opened the first set I saw, to my left, two girls (the only type of set I opened all night). One was on the phone, the other looking lost. It didn't matter. Once my objective was in mind, and I made the internal decision to open them after my neural circuits registered their existence, I began the approach. Within that approach, there is a certain point of no return, before which the intention of my existence waivers, but beyond which there is a straight path, quick and smooth as a razor. Every set of the night, except for one, I felt an oasis of comfort beyond the approach. So, I opened, I asked my question, the one on the phone said "sometimes," the other one said "I don't know." I didn't know how to continue it, and the girl on the phone found her friends and began dragging the other one with her. I fumbled some words and just let it go. It was kinda funny actually, that it was so easy to open, and after it was done I didn't really even care about it.

The first one ended up being my worst one of the night, and my second one being the best. We walked into a venue that didn't look promising, with people at booths and at the bar, curiously empty compared to the last place. I kept walking as my wing veered off to open one of the sets at a booth. I headed towards the back, maybe the bathroom, as I spotted a two-set coming up on the left in a booth. As I opened with a "hey, you girls look like experts, question:" both of them were IMMEDIATELY into me, it, all of it. I'm sure my looks helped. As I rooted my opener (I found out by the end of the night, that they expect you to talk a bit more and root, otherwise I got blank stares), they were both smiling, one leaning forward looking like she might jump me just because I'm talking to both of them. After the opener, I fluffed for about 10 minutes until my wing came in.

By the end of our interaction, I wanted to go farther with these girls, and I knew that I could, but I just didn't know how. I don't know why I didn't realize it in set, but my target gave me several IOIs (how old are you, wanted to high-5 me and squeezed my hand back after I squeezed her). I was way over doing throwing hoops, as in throwing another hoop after they had already jumped through one, and afterwards I felt like I was a bit of a dick. After we had been talking for a while, I should have just sat down at the booth, too. And finally, at the end I should have done the old "so how can we continue this conversation?" When my wing gets in set, I have a big tendency to just listen to what he is saying and not talk to anyone. When this was happening, I didn't know what to say or do, and my target caught me looking at her several times.

The rest of the night, and through this morning, I've been continually reviewing the interaction in my head, going over what I did wrong, what I should have said. It's turned into a similar type of attachment in my consciousness as those times in my past where I should have said something to a girl that I was attracted to over many months, and sometimes years, an recurring theme throughout my social life. Only this time, it is not my lack of action that nags me, but knowing that I could have gone farther if I had the skill set. I can see now how the game can be addictive, if each time you get farther, asymptotically approaching the goal, there is something else that pulls you towards what you seek.

I ended up opening three more sets throughout the night, but none hooking like my second. Two of these sets ended up being very similar, both two sets with an older and younger woman. The older woman did all of the talking in each set. I think both of them knew what I was doing, and they talked to me like they were giving me advice on the situation in my opener. I ejected quickly in both because I didn't know how to handle being seen through like that. Perhaps it was like a shit test. In one of the sets, in Scottsdale, the woman obviously had her bitch shield up full blast. I wanted to neg the shit out of her, because she was being bitchy, but didn't know how to handle it. I realize now that I could have said, "Wow, that's a boring answer, what do you have to say?", directed towards the younger one, who didn't say anything in either set. In one set, she seemed embarrassed the entire time, and in the other set she was giving me the wide eyes as I walked away. Possibly, if I root more, and have more backstory, then I might validate myself a bit more. Since this was also my first night using this opener, I was floundering with wording sometimes, and my reactions to people's responses were not polished. I was taken aback a bit after the bitch shield response, and I didn't open anyone else in the next couple of venues.

My last opener was mildly entertaining. We walked a circular bar once, and I was still trying to recover from my last set, and now it seemed like I was waiting for the perfect set to be sitting there, especially since I didn't yet feel comfortable approaching girls who were trying to make their way through crowded spaces. So, my wing being good as he was, was pushing me around one more time and open someone, in and out. I was almost all the way around when I spotted a target. I walk up to her, started my opener, rocked back, talked and looked away, looked at her again, and finished my opener. She just stared at me.

Dumbfounded, she opened her mouth as I said, "Do you speak English?" I was trying to poke fun at her, because of her lack of response, and obviously she didn't hear me.

She leaned towards me and said, "Whhhaaat?" Wow, drunk.

"Do you speak English?" She immediately started laughing, so hard that she doubled over on the table, and looked like she wasn't breathing. There was a guy sitting next to her, staring off into space like I used to do; he chuckled as I made a "whatever, she's weird/drunk" facial expression. I think she started to face the guy when I just walked away. I laugh at it now as I laughed at it then with my wing. Hey, at least I did what I went there to do.

------

When it was all said and done, I opened 5 sets, winged the same, and my wing opened about 14. I am amazed at how easy this is, actually. It is such a confidence booster, and power trip, to just walk up to a random person/group and start talking. There's no way I could have done this alone, and I wasn't able to do it alone, at least not the first step.

There are several issues that I need to work on. There were several sets that I passed by in the Scottsdale clubs because I didn't feel worthy. Honestly, I've never seen so many 8, 9, 10's in one place as I did last night. Combined with the club atmosphere, which I've never really digged in the first place, I felt out of place, and of lower value. I've always thought to myself that it was just illusions when I read that other people have had the same reaction. But, it's quite different when I experienced those illusions first hand.

A big thing is stacking, and talking in general. It always felt like I didn't know what to say, especially while winging.

And then when I'm responding to their comments, I need to smile and be more playful, without overdoing hoops and using them appropriately. I remember there was this one girl from college that I met through some friends, and she had a personality that just made me poke fun and play with her all the time. It naturally led to sexual interactions later.

I also need to make sure I can appropriately explain the situation around an opener, and then appropriately root it to my life. Every single set required it.

I would also like to develop some statement openers, as opposed to questions. In the bar and clubbing environment, especially with the carefree, party energy around, statements seem appropriate, while questions definitely felt better in a rooted environment.

My body language is actually pretty good when I open, since rocking, talking over my shoulder, looking away, comes naturally. And last night, it felt comfortable doing those things as an unconscious way to deal with the pressure of the situation. Though, I don't know what to do with my hands if I am not using them to talk....

Corey was impressed with me, how many sets I opened, and especially of the hook in the second one. I charged him up, actually, by opening my first set within 5 feet of the doorway. He didn't expect me to do that, and was expecting me to open one, maybe two sets the entire night. That made him open even more, according to his word.

If anyone is floundering on starting the game, the first thing you should do is find someone with more experience than you and have them push you to open, with a prepared opener, when you go out.

-------------------

Oddly enough, I'm not really all that excited about any of this. I feel detached, even. At one of the clubs last night I saw a woman who had the face and body of my wishes, jolting me in more places than simply the sexual centers, but after she walked past, then and now, I am indifferent. Wherever I am right now, this is where I am. What has happened before, does not seem attached to this, those episodes of depression, the shopping, grooming, reading and video watching. My transformation up to this point is a reiterative sum of needed experience. Hey, where am I? Oh, still right Here. Though this time, there's success around me.

[dex5]

Hey Poly,

Good job bro. Glad to see you fighting thru the negative bs that was slowing you down. Takes a lot of guts. Also glad to hear you think all of this is "easier" than you thought it would be. Ha Ha. Man, what a shocker, huh? Seriously. Sometimes our own minds can be our worst enemy.

Anyways, just curious what you mean by this...


Oddly enough, I'm not really all that excited about any of this. I feel detached, even.

Do you mean this in a good way?

[Subtlety]

Man, I just read this entire thread.

Poly, your perseverance is inspirational, especially considering the depression you've had to deal with at the same time. I'm going to think of you whenever I encounter AA - if a guy with clinical depression can overcome his AA and open sets, then so can I (I don't suffer depression much).

Keep at it bro, you've already overcome to biggest hurdle!

[Polynikesdb]

o you mean this in a good way?

Though I would have expected that I would be excited about my first night and the relative amount of success I had--no acute depressive episodes--
I don't think it can be classified in a good or bad category. I'm honestly not sure what it means to me, or even if it holds any significance at all.

[G-Child]

I am really glad you wrote these posts. They have been very well written and inspirational. I was going to only read one or two, but I found your words to be heartfelt and engaging, to the point where I had to finish them all. Congratulations on your progression. This game is very difficult but ultimately very rewarding. You are a very clear, observant, well thought out and intelligent in your words and actions. I am the same way, but one of the biggest things that has helped me is to take these words to heart... Remember the lesson, forget the pain. You have a unique ability to break things down, now you need to be as objective as possible. If you see something you need to improve on, look for ways to do it but then forget about the feelings you associate with failure. By focusing on the positive and on the constant improvement of the self, the pain stops springing up. By rooting your thoughts in the positive, and staying focused on improvement in an objective manner, you keep the correct mindset for pickup and for life in general. Depression is a very hard thing to deal with. But IMHO, only through constant self vigilance and hard work can it ever truly be overcome. Keep it up. Your words are a testament to all of our beginnings and to our futures.

[Polynikesdb]

Thank you everyone for the kind words of encouragement and compliment. It was my hope in starting this journal that my words and experiences could help others, as well as creating a space maintained out in the open, to push me to continue to progress.

As you pointed out G-Child, this track requires one to push beyond the subjective fears and inhibitions that prevent action. I see now that having gripping anxiety when faced with the prospect of going towards that which my soul ultimately wants to do, in both long and short term situations, does not give me an excuse not to do it. There is always a way to get to the other side, sometimes directly through the barrier, other times obliquely or with help from a guide. Now that I've seen a glimpse of that possibility, in all aspects of my life, I can settle down into the process itself, trusting it, having faith in it.

Because you see, this is a long term endeavor for me. I have so many things going on in my life right now that all of the other things that are as serious to me as this are also long-term projects. The most worthwhile things in life for me have always been like that. It would be nice to do what Style did in the beginning of the game, locking himself in his apartment reading, taking dozens of self-proficiency classes, going out four nights a week for four hours at a time (!). If I had that kind of time, there would be no stopping me. But that is not my life, and I am in my own struggles, situations.

I look forward to seeing where I am ten years from now.

[Polynikesdb]

Right now, I'm sick with an upper respiratory infection and have not gone out in 12 days due to my new schedule this month, including several 24 hour shifts. The last time I went out was New Year's Eve, with the sarging buddies, but the outdoor block party at Tempe was a horrendous place to practice. We didn't feel like paying the cover to become human sandwiches in a bar full of drunks. Corey was again pushing to me to open, but I wasn't comfortable at all outside with people walking everywhere (yes, everyone was walking back and forth like sheep) nor the lack of decent sets. He opened a few when I was nearby, but I don't have a knack for winging yet, nor the random conversations, even. The ability to let go, to relax and have fun, without the seriousness of my existential mind running the evening, was lost somewhere during the last year or so of college. When will I uncover it fully, once again?

It will probably be another two weeks until I have time free to get out for another, real, round two of sarging. And I'm fine with that: I'm the type of person who usually improves after an absence.

So, especially during the past few days during my illness, I've been watching Youtube videos of Keys to the VIP. Interesting show, especially when nearly all of these guys do things that Mystery and Style say not to do. What's amazing is that the "hey, what's up, you're beautiful..." works so often on those girls (yes, most of them are not women). And then there are other times, rarely, when one of the guys makes a quality pickup. The magician was amazing with his mind-reading card trick, picking up those two fake bombshells; there was a different episode where this kid got a girls number by being cocky as hell, and as he walked away she made a seductive facial expression to herself, as the hosts of the show joked that she just had an internal cigarette. That's powerful. It gets me in the mood to do this. I feel like I've helped myself calibrate by watching these things. It's obvious what not to say, and seeing them make the mistakes shows me what I need to do.

-----------------------------------

There's a co-worker/classmate with a similar schedule this month as me. I didn't know her before now. This is the type of girl that 6 months ago, I wouldn't have known that she was interested in me. Before, I could always tell the classic obvious signs, and I've realized that most of the girls that I've really befriended over the years have fallen for me. What's interesting about this girl is that she will give me an IOI (personal question, quick smile if I said something funny, hard to describe sensation of a 'pull' from her) and then give me an IOD right after it, usually looking away, pursed lips, might not participate in a larger conversation completely, etc. It was subtle at first, but I'm tuned into this now, and I certainly caught the IOIs. It was Mystery who really opened my eyes to this, as he said in a video that there are (roughly) 4 types of social engagement: IOI, IOD, DHV, DLV. Outside of special circumstances (hired guns, seductresses, etc.), as soon as I get one IOI I know that's it.

However, I've come to realize that the "it" is making me progress in this social journey. My entire life, I've waited for someone to come to me. I've waited by never taking the proper initiative, with strangers or those who I was getting to know. I waited because it was easy, and comfortable. I've been chosen by every single woman I've kissed and loved. As soon as I know someone is interested in me, the gears start turning. I begin to daydream about her, when she is around each interaction is footnoted with her desire, and I ponder if we could have sex. For unknown reasons, I try to convince myself that I return her desires, and knowing that she did so first only heightens the reaction. Usually, she is far from my type, physically or otherwise, and nothing happens between us, except for those gears that continually turn. Sometimes the energy is transmuted into self-esteem, that precious substance. All of my long-term relationships began this way, though my interest was evident internally before her external indicators. No wonder I've always been so emotionally attached to all of those needless trials of relationship drama and breakups.

What complicates this further is my internal tendency to always be on the prowl for tail, even in those subjects whom I haven't yet formed an opinion. For example, about this girl, I was wondering if she could be a potential mating partner when I read her name on the schedule, and then again within several minutes of meeting her--and these thoughts were not attached to what I thought of her body, personality, etc. As another example, whenever any woman that is within fuckable age mentions a boyfriend or husband, I swear a silent, "Awww, she's taken. I guess she's out." What's amusing to me is that I spend energy on all of that but never do anything even if I am attracted to them and they are single.

And then I've realized that so much of my attraction to women is based on physical characteristics. If a woman's personality and interests affect my state, they usually have a negative impact on the attraction, not a positive one. It might best be time to foster the attraction with those personalities that interest me.

This whole internal saga is really discombobulating. I don't even know if I actually like this girl at work. Is the thought of her sexy enough, and I move on, or is there truly something captivating in those bright blues? And if there is, will I do something about it?

[Ok, so I guess this didn't turn out to be a short post. Also, FYI, I'm in medical school, so work is referring to a new hospital/clinic each month.]