Consoling Girls without Being a Tool

[PradaG]

There've been a few instances in my life when girls from my past (some who I really liked or at least wouldn't mind dating), who I've gotten over by now, will sometimes come to me when they are feeling especially down or depressed. Although they are no longer targets per se and I don't really try to attract them or show interest or even really care since I've moved on, I still wouldn't mind going out with them if the opportunity arose. I just don't care about them enough to make the opportunity like I would with new targets.

Mostly, they are upset about a current or ex-boyfriend, and I know they just want me to listen to them, be their shoulder to lean on, best friends type of deal. That was who I used to be. I would listen patiently to them be depressed (sometimes they would want to tell me about it, sometimes they just wanted to whine in general and not really tell me the specifics).

I know they probably want to spill their guts and tell me all about their guy problems and their feelings, but some of them are pretty insecure and have low self-esteem. This means they'll mention or at least hint that there is a problem with some guy, but try to mask it with other stuff they want to justify as problems too (work, school, lab, whatever) when it's painfully obvious their main source of unhappiness is some guy. I used to be the friend who listened to this crap and got nothing out of it.

So here's the question: How do you guys deal with this sort of situation when a female friend goes to you for consoling, but you don't want to be the friend who gets shafted, having to listen to their sob stories while some other guy gets her?

I don't care about getting the girl (though I wouldn't mind). I'm more concerned with how not to have to be the friend who gets to listen to their depressing things, especially when there's no benefit. Sounds selfish and uncaring, but when it's happened to you several times, you'd understand. I've sworn off to being their little bitch years ago, and it's been fine for the most part. Probably because I don't keep in contact with them nearly as much as I used to, just an occasional check-up once a month to see how they're doing and what they're up to. Yet, for some reason, recently suddenly girls from my past want to complain to me again.

As their (just) friend, I do care that they are feeling crappy, but I'm not going to just be the guy she goes to when she feels like shit. How would you come across as caring, but not have to be that loser guy, waste your time listening, and as a bonus, possibly attract her to you by reframing or some other technique?

[RobLaughter]

I don't deal with drama whores. I have four female housemates and God must have had a sense of humor when he put all four of those bitches on a synchronised schedule. I DO NOT under ANY circumstances even listen to the first bit of whiny-ass validation-seeking bullshit.

Come straight up and tell them that you're not their girlfriend. That's what Jenny or Suzie or whoever is there for.

Corinthians 11:19-24: A man should not go near a woman when she is on her period.

Amen.

Caveat: I'm totally non-religious. Don't take this shit as gospel.

~Rob

[PradaG]

So what do you do?

If she's coming up to me first, saying things like, "I'm stressed out" how do you respond? "Listen, come back to me when you're happy." That just seems like you're blowing them off, and not only do you lose the opportunity to attract her, you risk your "just friendship" too. Sure, that'll solve the problem of not being the guy girls don't come to to complain, but that's not what I'm trying to solve. I want to be the guy who she feels comfortable around, feels like I do care about her, enjoys my company, but won't just think of me as someone she can always go to to complain. If she's going to whine, that's fine so long as she's operating under the impression that I'm doing her a huge favor and that she will want to make it up to me (and not just out of obligation, but out of genuine desire).

So...how do you not listen? I don't think all these girls are seeking validation, just comfort, someone to talk to, get it off their shoulders. What I want to do with the situation is not come off as an asshole (after all, there's no attraction there, so being cocky funny or flat out refusing to listen doesn't work; there's only comfort on a just friends level, no attraction).

How do you reframe so that she'll feel better (not necessarily about her problem, but at least she'll feel better at the moment she is interacting with you) and not just come to you as a shoulder to lean on? I'm thinking of things like shifting the subject somehow, into something interesting and more positive. I'm thinking this will keep her mind off of her problem because she will be distracted about the cool things we're talking about. She'll be sucked into my better world, and not only will I not have to really discuss her problem, but she'll also feel better at the moment (even if in the very back of her head, she still feels like crap about that guy).

Perhaps a better way to phrase my question is, how do you transition to this sort of reframing without coming off like you don't care about her problem. I tried the Rose Trust pattern, but it didn't work exactly. She was obviously still feeling like crap. We weren't talking much about her problem, but I wasn't able to suck her into a better world because her feelings were too preoccupied with her sadness and frustration.

[Tantric]

Is this the only time you hang out? When they are depressed? (If so I'd reconsider the friendship). Assuming that's not true, being a friend sometimes means we stand in there with our friends when they have a hard time, even though its not fun.

Are these women you can see yourself being friends with 5, 10, 20 years from now? Are they truly quality humans? Do they help you move? (i.e. can you go to them for help or is it a one way street?)

Sometimes "reframing" isn't the answer. Sometimes being honest and open is: "I know you may want to talk about your problems right now, but I'm not the greatest listener. I'd love to hang out so lets go do something and get your mood up". See a comedy movie. Go to an art museum, whatever, do something that interferes with the process of her whining.

Tantric

[Superfreak]

OK lets go we are going shopping right now. Take her to the mall and start shopping for her a new man. Open sets with an opinion opener that hits close to the issue. Buy her lunch, coffee what ever while there, or have her buy it what ever. Just make it fun.

http://lulu.com/superfrk

[RobLaughter]

OK lets go we are going shopping right now. Take her to the mall and start shopping for her a new man. Open sets with an opinion opener that hits close to the issue. Buy her lunch, coffee what ever while there, or have her buy it what ever. Just make it fun.

Whaaaa...?!?!

You're rewarding her for being a drama whore? Even worse, you're being her girlfriend?

Nononono no!

So...how do you not listen?

I... don't listen. It looks to me like you're not interested in sleeping with this girl anyway, so it wouldn't hurt to just listen to her and be her shoulder to cry on, I suppose. Just don't let her state rub off on you and don't act like you do with her when you're with other women. Just because you don't mind being HER girlfriend doesn't mean you have to be every other girl's shoulder to cry on, too. Don't be a pussy around other girls.

[Superfreak]

Not really at all the ideal is to make her feel good around you, break the cycle of bitch and moan, also it will kinda embarrass the hell out of her at first also it builds attraction with out you having to show interest.

These are women that he has know for some time and before he became a PUA from my understanding of his post, the whole ideal is to get out of friend land, this shows you are alpha, you make her feel good, and you do not listen to her whine you get her off her ass and to the mall or where ever.

Its ok though Rob, if your frame is not strong enough to try something different thats not in a book, its cool man

Whaaaa...?!?!

You're rewarding her for being a drama whore? Even worse, you're being her girlfriend?

Nononono no!



I... don't listen. It looks to me like you're not interested in sleeping with this girl anyway, so it wouldn't hurt to just listen to her and be her shoulder to cry on, I suppose. Just don't let her state rub off on you and don't act like you do with her when you're with other women. Just because you don't mind being HER girlfriend doesn't mean you have to be every other girl's shoulder to cry on, too. Don't be a pussy around other girls.

[Hawaii]

Just say, "I understand"

[DarkPrince]

yay a thred about me!!! woot! I Acually delt with this last night... my Friend she is sexually frustrated, and usually when this happend she goes to her ex which is not a good idea. this girl has hooked up with my brother before but thats a whole drama on its own.

So she hit me up last night wanting to go to a party and drink (my DHV's and fake it till you make it kinda attitude was being called on the bullshit) so I tell her, that im not gonan introduce her to anyone new, since they wont be healthy for her. so after all this, she msgs me on aim and i tell her lets hang out(usually they say "and do what" so i responded with, I need some drinks for my fridge, and you got nothign to do, so ima let you tag along". so we met somewhere and we went got the drinks. by this time shes all happy again (go me)! I got a total of 2 IOI's from her during the entire night (3 hour period) even at one point, she asked me "what kind of freind am i" (i take it this is much improvment from her calling me her "older brother" ) so anyways, I ended up taking her to her first porn shop. We browsed, had a bit of fun.

but yes i know ive turned into the girl freind, which IT happens since i never built enough attraction during the meetign part.



when they talk i usually go with " uh huh, mmhmm, I know right? and simmiler lines" it works great!

[PradaG]

Thanks for the replies guys. I really like the "I understand" one. Here's some more details though. The girls and I are separated by several thousands of miles physically. They might IM me or call me, but we can't actually go hang out. It's only a few months out of the year now that we are actually physically close enough to see each other, and yes these are great girls (which is why I liked them to begin with) who I do see myself being friends with for life.

[DarkPrince]

Prada just make sure they wont use you because of your mr.niceguyness. One of my freinds is like that. girls would only communicate with him if they need something!

just stand your ground, call out your actions, and sometimes tell them to Suck it up! ive done it before.

logical thinking takes you a lot further than sympthising!

[RobLaughter]

Its ok though Rob, if your frame is not strong enough to try something different thats not in a book, its cool man

*sigh*

Forever turning things into a battle of ego. I didn't comment on anything about you, your personality, or your state of being, but thanks for being inappropriate and blatantly trying to insult people.

I don't think it's a matter of frame control when it comes to treating a girl like a princess because she's whining. It's like parents who spoil their kids--they'll buy them whatever they want, only to have them turn into total brats and want more, more, more. I tried the "be nice" to a girl approach a time or two. She proceeded to try to walk all over me, then got even more depressed when I told her to get out of my life.

If you enjoy spending your time and money on whiny chicks, more power to you. I'll just stick to not taking their crap and not letting them walk all over me.

[Yoda]

I don't deal with drama whores. I have four female housemates and God must have had a sense of humor when he put all four of those bitches on a synchronised schedule. I DO NOT under ANY circumstances even listen to the first bit of whiny-ass validation-seeking bullshit.

Come straight up and tell them that you're not their girlfriend. That's what Jenny or Suzie or whoever is there for.

Corinthians 11:19-24: A man should not go near a woman when she is on her period.

Amen.

Caveat: I'm totally non-religious. Don't take this shit as gospel.

~Rob
I need to read the bible more often, missed that line completely!

[RobLaughter]

I need to read the bible more often, missed that line completely!

It's a summary. A third-party one at that. I don't read extravagant stories like that, unless you count "The Game." ;)

[Moxy]

You guys should go check the book "The way of the superior man" by David Deida - he talks about this stuff in detail.