Soylent Green DHV story - New, need help!

[jigsaw]

I just wrote this DHV story. I know it needs some work and I was tired when I wrote it but if anyone has ideas on adding DHV spikes or seeing DLV dips let me know:

One time I arranged a party for a few of my friends to hang together the before the day we planned to go to visit Six Flags. We were having a shit load of fun. So later that evening we watched this old dystopian Sci-Fi movie called Soylent Green. At the end the main character learns all the world’s rationed food is made of human flesh and he just screams “It’s people! Soylent Green is made from people!” And me and my friends couldn’t help but laugh at it. My friend Patrick just sits there and says “Wouldn’t it be crazy if someone went out to a restaurant and just screamed that?” So the next day I brought all my friends to Six Flags and while we were walking through the park I saw a Nathan’s Hot Dogs. I stopped turned to my friends and grinned to Patrick saying “I am going to do it.” All my friends just knew what I meant and my buddy James said “No!” with a cold face and I was all like “Yes!” I run into the Nathan’s Hot Dogs and scream “Its people! Nathan’s Hot Dogs is made from people!” Everyone was staring at me, except for this one guy at a table who spat out his dog and shouted “I knew it!” and ran for the bathroom. So I run back to my friends with James his shaking his head in his hand, Kevin is clapping for me, and Patrick just says “Well done man!” and hugs me and says “no homos.”

P.S. I have written 3 DHV stories so far and I think this is my worst one :(. Storytelling is kind of my sticking point because I have a lot of trouble coming up with high value things that have happened to me in my life. Please be civil in your critique.

[Nels]

Frankly, the topic of eating people is a bit off putting. I think it would make your friends, and by extension you, look mis-calibrated. If you were to leave out the Soylent Green part of the story, the whole story evaporates.

Things that would probably be better to focus on:
-Organizing your friends to go to Six-Flags. (leader of men)
-How much you enjoyed watching the kids have fun, (if true, emotional health).
-Etc.

[Mickey Angel]

Hey jigsaw! Love the fact that you are writing your own material. There is too much overused stuff out there.

A couple of tips to to remember when writing dhv's / gaming in general:

1. Avoid gross topics. It turns girls off. I love the movie soylent green (lol...it's people!) but I would never talk to a girl about it. Girls are emotional creatures. You want them to associate you with positive happy feelings.

2. Always include some preselection. Great intro about six flags. You might mod it to 'I organized a trip for me and my friends Stephanie and Jennifer' or something like that.

Keep up the innovation and let me know if you need some help!

[jigsaw]

Hey jigsaw! Love the fact that you are writing your own material. There is too much overused stuff out there.

Thanks Achilles! I have a lot of trouble making my own material considering the fact I am young and i can't say my life has been very high value. Hell its been really LOW value:(. I also feel a little uncomfortable using stories that aren't mine. Yeah I know "its flirting not lying", but it's different from openers & stuff as is showing who I am as a guy and I feel a little deceptive and incongruent.

You mentioned adding preselection. Truth is I don't have any female friends:(. And I had to stretch the truth about the fact I organized everything...ok I did but it was my B-day party and I didn't want to look self-serving:confused:

This is a serious sticking point for me...damn

[Renaissan]

Hey Jigsaw,

I actually laughed out loud reading your story. I love the part about the guy spitting out his hotdog and saying "I knew it." That's freaking hilarious. I really think you could make this work. Like Nels and Achilles said, you demonstrate leadership by arranging a get together, which is great. You've also got a bit of the successful risk taker in there too, by having the balls to say that crazy thing yet still coming out on top. Honestly, the effectiveness of your story will be less in the words and more in your delivery. You could definitely make this work with a killer delivery. Finally, as Achilles pointed out, the fact the story is true and congruent to your personality is just an added bonus, because your personality will really shine through. Here are some questions to hopefully make your story even better:

1. How will you bring the story up in conversation? In other words, how will you hook the audience's attention and transition the conversation into your story? I’d suggest adding a hook question right before the beginning of your story. Something like, “Hey, have you guys ever shouted obscenities in Nathan’s Hot Dog? Check this out…” That might not be the greatest hook question ever, but it will give you an idea of what I’m talking about. It should be some crazy question that will stop all conversation in its tracks. You could even say, “Oh my God, check this out…” but just think about how to bring your story into conversation.

2. Are there any sections of the story where you can check in with the audience? For example saying something like, "you know what I mean?" or "have you guys ever been to six flags?" Sometimes when I see people tell stories they just drone on and on, not caring about their audience, and you can see the audience’s eyes glaze over. So, asking a simple question might perk their attention up and engage them. And if you can find a reason to bust on your target, like if she answers your question about six flags with “no I’ve never been” you can say something like "that's it you and I would never get along! Seriously? You’ve never been?” Now you’re talking about six flags and amusement parks, which is never a bad thing. When that thread runs low, you can return to your story. Voila! You’re multi-threading and negging the target. Adding interaction to your story, though, will make your story even more interesting.

3. What parts of the story can you act out? I kind of mentioned this already but what will make your story really kick ass is HOW you tell it. I personally love stories where the story-teller mimics a character, acts out a part, makes facial expressions, imitates voices and all that. I think you’ve got a few great places to do this, like when you said your crazy thing or when that guy spit out the hotdog. But if you can add expression to your story that will be the biggest DHV of all—you’ll demonstrate personality, enthusiasm, and the ability to hold court.

Keep up the great job with your stories, Jigsaw! My recommendation is to practice the story in the mirror (say 5 times) and nail the delivery. After you’ve nailed the delivery in the mirror, tell the story to your friends and family (maybe another 5 times). I swear, telling your story, live, will do more to tighten the story than editing it alone in isolation via writing. Once you've delivered it about 10 times out loud, go out in the field make some hot women laugh another 5 times! I have a feeling they’ll be touching your arm and asking you what you do and where you’re from.

[Mickey Angel]

Jigsaw, i feel you man. A lot of guys feel that way early on. Don't let it get to you! Many if the guys I've helped actually found that when they adopted a positive attitude and started thinking about their lives in positive ways great things happened. I'm sure you have tons of interesting 'raw material' you just have to change your perspective a little!

For example, what are a few things you're really passionate about?

Make dhv stories put of those things and your passion will show through. Girls can see that and it's attractive.

I also know what you mean about feeling a little uncomfortable making stuff up like preselection. I'm not going to advocate doing anything you are not comfortable with, but I am going to say that one of the best ways to grow is to get outside your comfort zone. Like the great football coach Joe Paterno once said 'if you want to get into the endzone, you've got to think like you're already there'.

My challenge to you good man is to find a way to grow yourself, whether it's by making some female friends (hey they dont have to be models...) or 'faking it until you can make it'. I know you can do it man! Go get it done!!!