My Leather-Clad Memoirs

[LeatherJacket]

So, after being reluctant to do so at first, I decided to start a thread on this forum which will mostly be a personal journal on my quest to break this thick wall of social awkwardness and ineptness which has trapped me for 20+ years (not sure if I should include my years as a loud, obnoxious teenager who was still very weird but very social; definitely didn't have some of the problems I have struggled with the past few years). This is after attempting to keep a paper journal on the subject, which I realize now I'll never keep up with the tenacity and detail I can on here. What can I say? Typing is so much easier.

Anyway, as stated above, this is more for my own benefit, so I might ramble on, as I did above, instead of keeping my posts short and sweet; I love to write, and many people on the internet don't like to read.

This first one will be short(ish) for an introductory entry, as I am already up an hour and a half past when I should be getting to bed.

I can see a slow progress in me, but still, I am progressing. I have the drive in me and I have to keep reminding myself that after being the fucking definition of antisocial for so long, there's no way this will happen quickly. It's going to take a long time. What I'm realizing is this isn't about getting laid; this is about breaking my shell. I'm doing it slowly but surely, and even now, I'm reading an article on succeedsocially.com basically confirming that your old tendencies will come back. Old habits die hard.

But, today alone, I've taken a handful of social actions that the "old" me probably wouldn't have done; definitely not in the same day.

Okay, I'm cutting this ramble of an introduction short. I am very tired and this thing is way too long anyway. I had a lot more in my head when I was in the shower. Come to think of it, for my own benefit, I may put other semi-related material in here as well. I'm probably the only reading, anyway.

Here's to the journey!

/spills wine

[LeatherJacket]

Probably the biggest and one of the most important observations I've made thus far is that of building social momentum. I neglected or ignored the idea at first, but it's 100% true. If I can get into a talkative state, it makes things SO much easier.

I mean, a few weekends ago, I went back home (Allentown, PA, which is where I'm originally from) for a baby shower for one of my best friend's. The night before, I'm at a friend's house, bullshitting with a few friends. I've known these people for years and I'm socially comfortable around them. When socially comfortable, I can be the life of the party or the class clown (it's so hard to believe that I sank to being as anti-social as I was. In high school, I really was the class clown and known by my entire graduating class of about 800 students). So, I've been talking and joking a while by the time we went out. I had no problem talking to anybody there or trying to open sets without any thought. What's better, I didn't give a fuck after I was blown out of a few. My friend, Eddie, even complimented my ability to start conversations with random strangers. This happened after a hot bartender at the very busy casino got involved in a conversation with me after we started talking about the mala Buddhist prayer beads I wear. Yes, I am getting the hang of peacocking as well.

I'd like to buy more accessories. However, I am flat-ass broke right now, and it's not helping me that my punkass former landlord is trying to dick me on my $800 security deposit I was banking on. Can't completely blame him. It's really more my fault after a bout with depression earlier this year, I allowed myself to blow through my money like CRAZY. Anyway, I'll have to take peacocking somewhat slowly due to that, but I have been eyeing some pieces lately.

Oh my, time to head to the cookout I spent $8 on. I sound like such a cheapass.

[LeatherJacket]

Key note: use embarrassing social situations as a chance to grow and learn from your mistakes.

[LeatherJacket]

So, as I sit here enjoying my post-work cup of coffee, debating whether to buy the Kel-Tec Sub 2000 or the C.A.I. C93 Sporter, I thought I'd put something in here. On Saturday, I met up with a guy from Stylelife forums. It's only my second time ever meeting somebody from the internet; the first time being in February of this year when I met up with a 40-something-year-old for a date I arranged via Craigslist when I was snowed in and bored.

I had an anxiousness before meeting the guy; all was good, though. We were both on the same page as far as game is concerned, which made things a lot better. Though, it was very awkward actually hearing PUA lingo in person. I definitely learned some things about opening that night, and how defensive guys on South Street can be as soon as they see you talking to their female companions.

[LeatherJacket]

I suppose bouts with depression and past regression are all just part of the game. Le sigh.

[LeatherJacket]

There's so much I could write in a thread like this, or in my personal notebook journal, that I think of during work, or while riding the bus, or while walking. But, then I forget it all when it's time to jot.

I'm finding out how very beneficial a wingman can be. It definitely makes things 100x easier. I've seen a wingman being called a "crutch" on this site, but there's nothing wrong with using a crutch when it helps you a shitload.

[LeatherJacket]

I have not been posting much at all lately for two reasons:

1. I was doing it too much and not heading out enough.
2. I can only take in so much advice from people here. When it comes to a lot of things, no matter what somebody believes because they had low self-esteem at one point in his life, only about 1/25 people in this community can really put themselves in my shoes.