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Rodehard
11-22-2009, 11:29 PM
Help me smooth this out. It works, and it’s true, but seems a bit long. I want to refine it to add some more DHVs. Since the night this happened I have gotten more tail out of this than anything before, but there is always room for improvement.

Enter target rich environment, walk past group of HB9+ while “talking” on cell phone.

Over shoulder, looking confused and a tiny bit upset ask the women.

Can I ask you, for some womanly advice? I’m on my way to meet some friends so it won’t take long. My best friend (insert name) is one of the hottest models on South Beach. (this is true and some of the models know her and know of me by association). We’ve been like siblings for 7 or 8 years since she answered my ad for a roommate. Never friends with benefits just really close friends. Well I was at her house a couple weeks ago with her husband and a bunch of her friends from work to celebrate her getting her citizenship. She is going through some old photos and just bursts out bawling. Everyone is asking her why and she goes off on this 20 min. story.

Now I am a guy and you now we don’t listen well or even understand the simplest of women things, esp. through bawling, but (name) starts off by showing her friends a photo of her from just before we met, and telling them how she was so “weak and afraid” back then, and how now she is confident and strong, has the perfect life and its all because of what she learned from me. She says something about how when she wrecked my Aston Martin, all I cared about was her, I didn’t even ask about the car, how one afternoon in 10 mins I showed her how to make all the pain of breaking up with a BF of 5 years become power and keep her from going back to him again and again, how to find a prince without kissing any frogs, and how when Eric came over I dealt with him and so on. I'm just standing there with no clue what she is talking about. Like the Eric deal. For a guy I did what a guy does.

Eric…I better explain… (name) and her best friend (name 2) were having dinner with their BF’s at my condo in Murano Grande. (DHV as the cheapest condo there is $1M) I had just come back from a week of skiing in Telluride, and had been up for 30 hours so I went to bed. I wake up to hear someone yelling “You belong to me” I thought they had the TV up so I went out to tell them to turn it down, and there was this little guy with a gun in his belt. I guess he was (name 2’s) ex. It was no big deal I asked him leave he left. Of course when (name 1) tells the story she makes a big deal out of it, how the BF’s were hiding in the kitchen, I took the gun from Eric grabbed him by the throat and leaned him over my 34th story balcony and told him “one way or another you are leaving.” The guy pees him self and leaves. Then she feels the need to throw in the part where I had come out of my room in a towel and it had fallen off during the ruckus so I was naked the whole time and didn’t not notice or care.

Anyway she finished up telling them how she now has this perfect life, with the most wonderful husband on the planet and its all because of me. I am still feeling awkward about the naked with Eric thing, but I just tell her “Hey all I did was tell you where to look for answers, you did all the work. Don’t blame me you went out and got married because of it. Everyone laughs and that should have been the end of it.

My problem is she is acting weird now. She gets jealous when I talk to other women; she is possessive of me, and keeps talking about us like we are a couple. I asked her about it but she says it’s just in my mind, but her GF’s have noticed it too and say she is not thinking of us as just friends anymore..

I showed her how to find her perfect guy, she is happily married, and their first baby is on the way, and I don’t think of her in that way, so how do I shut this down without hurting her or looking stupid?

At this point the girls always ask how I taught her to find the perfect guy, I rock like I have to leave then sit down and say “what your moms didn’t teach you this. They must have wanted boys” then to the target say “ I guess you kind of look like a boy, so I get that… If you tell me how to fix this I will show you how to find Prince Charming within a week.

From here on its normal game theory, and the “find Prince Charming” is a great hook. The lead in seems too long even tough it works well, and it feels rough? Ideas?

Chika
12-08-2009, 01:20 AM
Aside from the bald-faced lies? I can't imagine them listening patiently through all that. Maybe you have good delivery, IDK.

My bad if you do have an Aston Martin and live in Filthy-Rich-ville.

Rodehard
12-08-2009, 05:23 AM
Aside from the bald-faced lies? I can't imagine them listening patiently through all that. Maybe you have good delivery, IDK.

My bad if you do have an Aston Martin and live in Filthy-Rich-ville.

Yes I do have an Aston, that is why I framed my question by saying it was all true.

Check out the Wealth forums under Forex. Some of the people there have been to my house. Not filthy rich but I do well as do some of the guys there now that they learned to make decent money trading.

Maverick69
12-08-2009, 02:30 PM
Aside from the bald-faced lies? I can't imagine them listening patiently through all that. Maybe you have good delivery, IDK.

My bad if you do have an Aston Martin and live in Filthy-Rich-ville.

Chika, I can attest that Rodehard is not a liar. Look at his wealth post title "Making a fortune with forex" under the wealth section. He has taught me and many other guys how to become successful with FOREX trading. In one day he can make what others make in 10 years. Sounds crazy but it's true. No need to accuse him of being a liar when he is asking for advice. After giving away his knowledge on to make you a millionaire, all he asks is a simple critique of his story? Rodehard, with all the success you're having I don't think you need to much critquing lol. But are you still attending that Miami bootcamp? I'm sure you will learn a lot there.

Chika
12-08-2009, 02:39 PM
The story is still a bit long-winded though.

Esme
12-11-2009, 01:33 PM
To long, namesdropping, flashing your gadgets, talking like you have an earpiece with an overdone PUA at the other end in... can't believe you've had succes with it. Maybe with some golddiggers.
Shorten it bij 4/5, get the story in bulletpoints to keep freshness, go with the flow and hope 'the one' isn't on the team of girls because you never hear the end of it if this is going to be anything more than a shallow pickup. No perspectives at all...

Alacrity
12-12-2009, 09:57 AM
I've found when I felt a story needed to be polished that it always went better if I streamlined it.

Identify the basic things you want to communicate and focus on that, you hit some major switches here. You don't have to drop the other stuff but shorten and simplify.

For instance, this sentance, "We’ve been like siblings for 7 or 8 years since she answered my ad for a roommate. Never friends with benefits just really close friends." This point was already covered in the previous sentance where you reference her as your best friend. You already called her a friend, no need to hammer the point home, you still get the pre-selection switch. Plus this leaves the friend topic open for later if she wants to ask about it. Leaving a open thread like this allows you to talk about it later; maybe a cool story about how you became roomates.

Go through the rest and look for redundancies like the one above and the story will feel less rough.

One more thing, this sentance, "Now I am a guy and you now we don’t listen well or even understand the simplest of women things..."

Some guys think this is being humble or funny but I don't like it. It implies you don't connect well with women, that you never listen, and that by not understanding you cannot provide the emotional and physical elements she needs from a man. I could tolerate it in a story if it did something we wanted but I don't see the function here except to justify why you are asking the question. Who needs justification? Shes probably giddy you're talking to her, no need to rationalize this.

Oh yeah, I would milk the nudeness a little more, that makes ofr a funny element and having her picture you naked can't be bad. :)