How to handle a woman who says nothing is wrong when she's upset.

[RobLaughter]

This post was written by ElusivePuzzle, head of the Virginia Beach lair. I'm posting it here with his permission.

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A lot of arguments between men and women start out with the exchange "what's wrong?" "nothing." Men and women usually mean very different things when they say that. in general, when women say nothing is wrong, unless they have a tone of surprise in their voice when you ask, they want you to probe until you discover what's actually wrong. They do this because they feel obligated not to bother you with their problem, so if you press them, they at least tried to not bother you. On the other hand, when men say nothing is wrong, they generally mean that they need time to cool off or process something, and if you leave them alone they will usually be fine or more ready to talk in a while. Counter to what most women think, rarely do most men say nothing is wrong because they want you to probe immediately. likewise, men tend to mishandle women who say "nothing" by accepting the answer at face value. So the upshot of this is that:

1. If the woman seems surprised when you ask them what's wrong, probably nothing is wrong.
2. If the woman is becomes more agitated when you probe, stop probing.
3. If the woman remains despondent when you ask her what's wrong, regardless of what they say, press with questions like "no really, what's wrong?" or "it's okay, you can tell me."

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Keep in mind these guidelines really only apply post-seduction.

Ciao,
Rob

[Affection]

Eh... his general idea of what "nothing" really means per gender is more or less on track (though I can think of at least once when I've said "nothing" and meant it as he says females tend to), but his responses aren't anything that an AFC wouldn't try. Depending on what's wrong -- especially depending on whether her distress pertains to you -- your answer will need to vary.

~~Affection

[Godhand]

Actually, I disagree with Elusive Puzzle. When a woman says nothing, alot of times, in her mind, she thinks that you should already know why she is upset, and other times her emotional thought process isn't completely resolved yet. I usually respond to the situation by asking once. If she doesn't decide to share, I tell her "okay, I'm here for you anytime you decide you want to talk about it" then go about my business until she decides to open up. And usually, when they do come around they mostly want to vent. Occasionally they want a solution but most of the times they just want an emotional release.

When you try to plow a confession out of women when something is bothering them, you end up playing this long drawn-out stressful scenario (sometimes involving tears and crying on her part) which will really bring your mood down and bum you out. Women have cascading emotions, meaning it usually takes them longer to process emotions than we do. For example, an event gives us an emotion and we deal with it. End of story. A woman experiences an event which leads to an emotion which leads to a memory which leads to another emotion (rinse and recycle). Also, she may stubbornly resist, which makes the situation even more tense. Don't go chasing streams, be the ocean that they all lead to.

[Yoda]

Wouldn't it be better to not talk with a women whose feeling upset? Especially if you've just met her, or are just an acquaintance.

Because if you interact with her when she's feeling upset then she could begin to associate you with her ill-feelings, like in NLP?

[sting]

"your a bright girl, you'll figure it out"

shows you understand she's upset, sets a standard for her to live by and tells her your not getting caught up in this kind of thing.


cheers,
Sting

[RobLaughter]

I appreciate the input. I usually just blow it off until it passes over, but EP asked me to post it for him and give him feedback on it.

[Johnny.Vegas]

I can't remember where I heard this, but another way of handling this is when a guy asks the girl whats wrong and he get the 'it's nothing' response and you can tell there are underlying issues, he suggests and does the following:

"OK, I'm going to ask one you more time if anythings wrong, you can feel free to tell me and I'll listen, but if you say its nothing again, then I take it as there really nothing wrong and leave this topic closed at that" --- now thats a bit of paraphrasing, but you get the concept.

I haven't tried it myself, so I can't vouch on its effectiveness.

[Yoda]

What if the HB says: "Nothing you'd care to hear about"

She's displaying a bit of an attitude, yet she's confirming that there's something wrong, would it be supplicating to affirm that you do care?

[Zea]

What if the HB says: "Nothing you'd care to hear about"

She's displaying a bit of an attitude, yet she's confirming that there's something wrong, would it be supplicating to affirm that you do care?

It depends. Are you asking because you actually care? Or are you doing it because you feel obliged to ask. It's not supplication if you are doing it because you want to. If you are asking because you want to, then by all means ask. Just be careful it doesn't come across as needy.

[Yoda]

How would I convey that I'm asking because i WANT to know rather than because I care for her?

[Zea]

Body language, voice tone, and all of those other crazy subtle things that women pick up on. Think about it when you're down, you can tell the difference between someone asking whats wrong, and someone who genuinely cares.

[Diebold]

Juggler method... just ask again what's wrong... and wait for her to say something other than NOTHING...

[Godhand]

Juggler method... just ask again what's wrong... and wait for her to say something other than NOTHING...

Thats assuming that you don't have anything better to do with your time than sitting there asking "whats wrong?" over and over.