Being a single Dad [Archive] - The Venusian Arts Forum

Protagonist

01-18-2007, 10:37 PM

Hey guys I just wanted to know if there was away of bringing the fact that you are a dad? For the most part I don't bring it up until we are well into comfort; however I don't introduce my son to anyone until we have been together for awhile. I find for the most part it seems to be a turn off for women. I have put up profiles on dating sites, one with the fact that I have a son and one without mentioning it. And the one which makes no reference to my son gets 100 times more responses, and when I send messages they I get more responses from the one with me having no kids. The two profiles are carbon copies everything is the same with the exception of having kid. Just wanted some advice.

Thanks

Cedar

01-19-2007, 08:39 AM

...if there was away of bringing the fact that you are a dad?...

Two comments.

1. Leadership. Your role is to lead the interaction until the two of you establish a stable relationship. That means you open, you escalate, you bounce, you initiate the close. It also means you set the baseline for comfort. You're expressing concern over having a child, and how she might react to it. By seeking her reaction to your status as a father, you elicit a negative reaction.

Girls are not responding to your child. They're responding to your discomfort for having a child. You might refute that because of your online experience. Disregard the online thing. That's a different world.

Summary. You're a father. Be comfortable in that role.

2. Mindset. Your child doesn't need a mother, but his/her dad wants companionship. When you talk about your children, talk about them from a scheduling standpoint. Not a father standpoint.

You're not going to talk to a girl you just met about your kids. That's a private thing. But you'll mention the days you have them. Because those are days you won't be seeing that girl.

Open up about your kids as time goes on.

As an FYI, I've never been turned down for having a child. And I've only introduced my son to one girl in six months.

Protagonist

01-19-2007, 10:58 AM

Cool Thanks alot for that.

Valentine

01-20-2007, 01:49 PM

For the profile in which you mention you have a son, I think you should put a nice DHV story in there about something you and your son have done.

If your two profiles are carbon-copies apart from the mentioning of your son, the HBs could be wondering why you haven't said more about him on your profile... e.g. here's five paragraphs about me, oh, and one line about my son.

I don't know if that's the case with your profile, but if it is it could actually come across as a DLV if you don't telegraph the fact that you are proud to be a single father.

At the same time it might be good for you to "give the impression" (in your profile) that you and your son don't need a step-mommy, so the HBs don't assume they're expected to fill that role. And in time, if they're attracted enough, they may start wanting to fill any role you would like them to - it's easier to change a person's mind/beliefs when you're laying them.

Protagonist

01-21-2007, 10:33 AM

Very interesting insight and very helpful thanks. The part about not needing a step mom is great.

Eric in CA

02-07-2007, 09:18 PM

I am in the same situation, except yours x3 and probably a good deal more dramatic. To build a little on what Valentine and Cedar wrote: My experience has been that what I have done with my family is a huge DHV, but only if introduced well into comfort, like around hour 2-3.

Every time I have introduced it within the first half an hour, the relationship has gone into the friend zone. It is too much information. It is like her mentioning she is looking to start a family of her own very soon. I would run for the exits, too, no matter how hot she is.

I let them ask the questions, and have the story well prepared for when the questions come. To Valentine's points, I am proud of how I have taken care of the situation, and I make it clear that I am doing just fine on my own.

If I have not made mistakes, and they are not looking to screen me out early on, they will wait until a couple of hours of conversation before bringing up such deep topics like whether I have ever been married. Until then they have been too excited to want to get so heavy.

If they have not been excited, they will start asking heavy screening questions like how old you are, whether you have been married, and so on, within the first minutes. Those questions are a little like "I have a boyfriend": They are warning signs that you have made mistakes.

- Eric

Protagonist

02-11-2007, 06:54 PM

As always very insightful and useful info.

Thanks

Alex

02-16-2007, 11:49 AM

I completely agree with Valentine and Cedar, but probably go even a bit further where I think stories about my son (3) and my commitment to him actually improve my game. Most women think it is pretty amazing when you tell them you are a single dad. As long as you escalate quick enough and make it clear that you are not "mum shopping". Most of the time I use it early in a pick-up .. but maybe not as an opener - lol! ;)

Gladius

02-28-2007, 05:38 AM

I have a 16mth old daughter and to be honest have more luck now than before. She was an accident after a drunken night with a female friend of mine. It should never of happened but it did. I always make it very clear how important she is to me and that I am very happy I have her. i also reassure women of the circs and that I would never be with her mum. I honestly believe women like men with kids as your are grounded and fertile . They merely need to know there is no baggage with the mum.

Protagonist

02-28-2007, 04:24 PM

Awesome advice. However I find that most of the women I meet seem to be turned off by the fact that I have a child. Or more matter I fall in LJBF zone.

Diebold

03-01-2007, 07:35 PM

My drunken two cents being a single guy with no kids who has to deal with single women with kids often....

keep your love life seperate from your kids as much as possible unless it blossoms into a serious LTR. BUT! Be up front about having a kid.

When I date single moms, I make it a point that I'm not looking to become
1) Uncle Bill
2) Your next baby-Daddy

and I'm pretty sure women feel the same way. If you lie about having a kid, when the relation turns into a LTR situation, it's going to fall apart if you bring a kid into the picture like a "surprise! I have a kid!" situation. It turns off women as much as it turns off men.

Absu

05-24-2007, 05:26 PM

Single mothers usually don't introduce you to their chilfren until you are quite ahead (like after 4th meeting). DON'T ask about her past relationship.

Consider your child a part of yourself and a part of someone you loved/liked/were attracted enough to have sex with. Introduce him by the attributes you and your son share (or don't share), tell about what you like in him and what you..well...not so much like...by that, you also convey your personality, and it makes her see your son as a person, not some distant "third party".

John the Baptist

06-28-2007, 04:12 PM

Single moms rock! Especially young ones who had the role thrust upon them. I'm not saying you should "use" them or take advantage of them, but many had their sexual reproduction sprung on them very early. As a young guy, I had many relationships with single moms, and they were so cool. A lot of them just wanted a relationship that was about passion, about them being chased, desired, and "caught." Many of them missed out on parts of their late childhood and early adulthood caring for their child, and if you got them hot, then let them know you weren't about to knock them up, slander their social reputation any more, and you'd be cool about things, they were great relationships for a young man. They had a natural ending point to them as well, simply because I was the same relative age (early 20's) and my life was moving me all over the place.

Attract, Comfort, Seduce. Goddamn, its pure, its simple. Build up sexual chemistry first. If you're really worried about your child coming out, concentrate on getting the heat a little higher in the front end.

First, you mention online stuff. Those 100's of online contacts with no disclosure are just a stack of lead cards to a salesman. Try and get some of these ladies on the phone and build some serious chemistry/rapport over the wires. If you have that many leads, work some down. Spend some time on the phone with them, build some chemistry, then introduce your parenthood status into the mix, and listen carefully to see if things change. You can hear the LJBF over the phone, if so, don't burn her, keep her as an acquantance. But listen for those ladies that don't pause or stop you and want to hear more about "you." Those are the ones you want to hook up with in-person.

In-person pick-ups, I vote for honesty when the time comes. But its a no-brainer that you don't talk about such things in the first 5 minutes. Build eye contact, enriched language, get LOTS of KINO in, venue change, do as much as you can to build that attraction. The rule is, make sure there's attraction FIRST, pure, sexual attraction, before moving to the Comfort stage, which is where you're calibrating social aspects of the early buds of a relationship.

Ultimately, in the Comfort stage, I believe you owe it to her to be honest. And if you don't whimper, don't go all weird, but just out and talk about your son and how much you love him and how you've taken the responsibility of caring for him (or whatever the situation), you stand as good a chance as any to move onto seduction.

One thing I must say resolutely here--everyone's got sticking points. One thing I don't think any woman will respond to well is if you look at your child as a sticking point. I'm not saying you are, but think about it. This is a big part of who you are. If she's not jiving with it, move on. She may make a good friend, and good female friends are GREAT for hooking guys up with other of their friends. But the girls that will go for you for being you will not respond well if you hem and haw over your child as a sticking point. They'll want to see a responsible, put-together, caring father in the Comfort stage, not someone who's downplaying or trying to hide something.

artman

12-09-2007, 01:59 PM

Hey,
I'm a single dad and just started in the game, but noticed one very powerful way to use your fatherhood, no matter when it comes up.

Over the last 2 months while in the game, I have found that it too is best to do when in comfort, but depending on how you frame it, can be a big negative or a big positive. I always frame it as being the protector of my loved ones (dhv spike) by stating I fought for full custody but because of archaic laws was only able to get joint custody. I am constantly trying my best to protect my children from their psycho mother, and proceed to tell them how psycho she was. DHV spikes embeded in how I am a high value male who knew when to leave a wife appropriately and high valued enough to leave even a marriage with children to protect the kids.

This usually follows with "Wow blah blah blah, can I see pictures?" And I gladly will show them on my cell phone, with embedded pictures of me having fun social times in hawaii, at the grand canyon, and with some famous people to drop more dhv spikes. (I'll drop these if we are beyond attraction).

This usually follows at some point with, "I'd love to meet them" or "They look so cute" or "they look like lots of fun."

That's where being a single dad becomes very useful in the game. Your situation becomes a neg for the woman. When they drop the line about meeting them, I drop, "Uh, excuse me, you won't have a chance to meet MY children until you PROVE yourself. I'm not letting my kids meet any of the women I meet or date until i know them for at least 6 months. And you haven't even gotten a chance to start the clock!" And calibrate the statement with a smile or a laugh.

The women will usually start trying to build more comfort by qualifying themselves by explaining why they make great moms, how they love kids, family members they love the same age and babysit. They start jumping through hoops for you. You could start conversation threads about, "What if a kid did this. How would your react?" And really find out if she is even worth the effort of getting to that 6 month mark or just bedroom fodder.

But I agree with a previous poster. The kids personally should not be part of the game, and should not be part of your relationship until you are certain you may go deeper with the person. Kids take it hard when you meet someone, they get friendly, then you break up and the kids possibly lose a female and friend in their lives again. You should have no dates with any woman and the kids together until you are SURE she is worthy. Although I use it as a neg, I am sticking to the screening process of who gets to meet my kids. Everyone else can be bed fodder.

So briefly, Frame your single fatherhood in a positive, good way, show how you are emotionally wired correctly and willing to protect your kids in any way as a protector of loved ones, and neg the woman when she starts telling you she wants to meet them by telling her the truth. "No contact with my kids unless you pass the 6 month test, and you aren't even close." which confirms your role as protector of loved ones, and also negs her in a nice way, in a frame she will accept.

Snake0987654321

12-09-2007, 03:54 PM