Fights

[The Saint of Sin]

i know its healthy to have fights in relationships and to express how you feel without being inhibited. Of course I've been in some in the past that have ended the relationship horribly but my current girlfriend is afraid because we've never had a fight yet. I think shes crazy and its wonderful that we've never had a fight but she thinks that when we do its going to be some huge pent up rage all out brawl. Is there something with being content where I'm at? Or is she just being paranoid?

I joked with her and told her we could go to Home Depot and fight about what style of blinds we should get. she laughed.

ALSO how do you handle a fight? I mean I was on the debate team in high school (yeah i know how to disagree without being disagreeable) so I have some bearing on what I'm doing but it's been a while.

thanks guys
-Saint

[-Silver-]

1) If she's worried that the two of you haven't had a fight, then maybe she has something in the relationship she isn't happy about. You're obviously happy with the way it's going, but there's a chance she's holding something back and is worried it's gonna burst out soon. She just doesn't want it to end up as a big fight. Ask her about it, and how she feels about your relationship.

2) How to handle fights? Just don't be the typical macho guy. Let her speak, say what she has to say, and never raise your voice. If she raises her voice, don't chide her on it, she'll soon realize there was no reason to do it and feel stupid about, probably resulting in her apologizing to you. Once she's said what she wants to say, give your view on it. Whenever my ex flipped at me, I'd do this exactly, letting her speak her mind (or half shout it in some cases), and then use some sorta psycological babble to convince her that I wasn't doing anything wrong, and that she was taking all the stress of work and school out on me. I'd tell her that I'm always here to support her through anything, but that if she kept venting her anger on me I wouldn't want to keep at it forever. She'd usually cry, apologize a hundred times over, and then we'd have amazing make-up sex and she'd always buy me white chocolate! (my achilles heel!) 'Awww white chocolate. How can I be dissapointed now?' The way I handled it, was to always try and avoid the fight completely. If you interrupt - she'll get angry. If you raise your voice - she'll raise hers further. If you say she's wrong flat-out rather than hint at it and give reasons like I did - she'll flip. So just keep your cool, chances are she has a point anyway if she's mad. If she does, admit it. Change it. That's not being weak and 'beta', that's improving. You can't lead if you don't know how to follow.

-Silver-

[relics]

*cough*http://venusianarts.com/forum/showthread.php?t=861*cough*

[The Saint of Sin]

quality stuff. i'm not a huge fan of chocolate but i do go one step further and make it. kinda ironic eh?

thanks Silver

[Tony La Motta]

you're just in the honeymoon stage of the relationship where every day is a blissful day...give it a little while and think about it.

[Touch]

Silver I did exactly those things tonight, and they didn't work. Here's the story, now bear with me a minute.... The kino was high all night at work, I was talking to everybody, keeping the energy up, making people laugh left and right, and then work gets off, and I hang out with her.... Not 10 minutes after being with her, she continuously DROPs the energy for me over and over (ignoring me, chewing her gum, acting like she doesn't care, what not)....and I'm being cool the whole time not letting it get to me....and of course I get her to laugh finally....

I asked her a question to help improve myself and my relationship with her, "If you could change just two things about me what would they be?"

And she said the first one was that my beard didn't grow fast enough, which I thought was very cute and I laughed at it....but the second one just started all wrong on a very negative tone, it was very lectury and begging-for-an-argumenty (about how I could be doing more with my life???? - she doesn't have a job btw - her family just gives her money - mine doesn't, so the whole time I was resisting calling her a hypocrit.)

I kept my cool, didn't raise my voice, I didn't interrupt her, I let her say what she wanted to say. Then, politely I told her I didn't agree with her, I did my very best to not make her out to be a badguy, I told her I respected her opinion, and I told her why....and she took in what I said, and without thinking SHE argued with everything I said - just out of spite of the fact that I wasn't laying down and agreeing with her unjustified and just offensive lecture.

Then in the end, I told her that we shouldn't be arguing about it, that it was below us, and it was a waste of our time. She interpereted that as: "I'm sorry I didn't just listen to you and agree with everything you said" and she made it look like it was all my fault that we were arguing in the first place.

Should I have just swallowed my pride and let her walk all over me and lecture me left and right and then AGREED with her just to avoid that whole retarded female pride mess??? or was I right in at least attempting to explain to her why she was wrong, but don't do it with any attitude (which obviously didn't work)....

The thing I'm left wondering: How did she seriously ARGUE with everything I said, and still say to me that she hates arguing and make it out to be my fault???? Is there any defense to that , or is she just fucking crazy and a special case????

[-Silver-]

The thing I'm left wondering: How did she seriously ARGUE with everything I said, and still say to me that she hates arguing and make it out to be my fault???? Is there any defense to that , or is she just fucking crazy and a special case????

No she's just a girl :P Most girls are very socially aware and have their ways of turning the tables on you like that. It's crazy. If you've read the VAH, then you'll know that girls are looking for survival and replication value, and one of the most important aspects of that is a good job and salary. I agree it's very hypocritical of her if she doesn't even have a job, and doesn't make that effort herself, but without being offensive, could you be doing more with your life? Like I pointed out in the previous post, she's not going to make up the whole argument, there is always a reason for why she feels this way.

It could be that you're working up the ladder, and we all know that you can't just start at the top, so point that out to her. Maybe you're in a dead end job, but are always on the look out for a new opportunity to open up. Otherwise if you aren't doing that much with your life, it's never ever too late! You know you can use everything you learn here to help you in all aspects of your life, not just with girls. And i'm sure you can get some amazing replies if you make a post about business or whatever.

If I was in that situation, then I probably would have brought up the fact that she wasn't going anywhere in her life either, but subtly, and in a caring tone of voice. 'Look, I know you're upset, and you just want what's best for me. I appreciate that and I promise you - this is just temporary! I've got my eyes open for a new opportunity 24/7, and when that opportunity arrives, you can be sure i'll go for it, ok? I know you're having a hard time right now, you don't exactly have the best outlook on life yourself, and (drop something else that could be going badly for her right now), but I assure you i'm always going to be here to look out for you and protect you. Just try and relax, and find somewhere else to vent any frustration rather than on me. I'm here to help you, not to upset you! Make sure you're smiling for the end line, and looking her in the eyes with your arms on her shoulders or something. You genuinely are caring for her and making her better, not lecturing her in any way. But I cannot overstate the importance of letting her say what she has to say first. Chances are she'll make at least one good point to think about. If she still reacts badly to anything you say, even though you're keeping your conversation friendly and supportive, then try a freeze out: 'Well I'm sorry you feel that way.' and leave. When she dwells on the conversation later she'll recall that she was the one to start it all, she was the one that was rude to you, she was the one that raised her voice, and the whole time you were being supportive of her and pointing out that you were always around to help her. You can expect a big apology from her in the next couple of days! The key really is to play it cool, never lose your calm, and act as the supportive mature partner, not the angry blame-placing boyfriend.

Hope it gets better with you two soon buddy.

-Silver-

[Touch]

Thank you silver, that seems to be the perfect way to go about it, you're right - that is the one thing I never had in mind, was no matter how small her point was, she is a female, and you should at least acknowledge that point in some way. I didn't find myself in a position where she would be apologizing to me, so I think I'll make the first move today, and get it out of the way. Thanks for all the kind help :)

[Touch]

Thank you silver, that seems to be the perfect way to go about it, you're right - that is the one thing I never had in mind, was no matter how small her point was, she is a female, and you should at least acknowledge that point in some way. I wish I had that last night. Thanks for all the kind help :)