How to maintain attraction and interest in a relationship

[RoboBunny]

Right, so in another thread I've made (which isn't as popular as I'd like), I addressed my own insecurities and weaknesses in social interaction.

One of the last questions I asked was how to maintain attraction and interest in a relationship.

How do I keep things original and fun, without turning into a machine, repeating the same things over and over again, because I'm feeling I'm running out of 'material'. For one: I never actually know what to talk about.
-Myself? Why, that's great and all, but I don't think my gf is going to appreciate how fascinating my philosophy lessons or aikido seminar were this week. I've got a fascinating life, it just isn't for everyone.

-Her? Well, she's pretty much in the same boat as I am, it's great she does soccer, but we can't talk very much about it.

-politics? Boring.

-pop? Well, it might be a good idea, but I can't keep a conversation flowing when it's about some new song I heard on the radio. 2 sentences max.


So... what now? I realize I've got to get my small-talk skills up to par, but how do I do that? I can't just 'go talk to people', because I've tried, and I'm not progressing. I'm still stuck with 2 or 3 responses. It's a rare occurence when I can get more than 3 responses out. I guess it's because I can't 'steer' a conversation into an important direction.

I was directly confronted with this the other day when a friend I've had for years tell me 'you're boring'.


So: two questions:
1) How do I keep her interested in me?
2) What do I talk about? And how? How can I keep a conversation flowing?


(note that a simple link to a video, an e-book, an earlier thread, a guru, etc. is perfectly acceptable, as long as I get my answer, mmkay?)

[azazels_wolf]

I'm sure others are going to take the time to give you a great answer on your various questions here, but I do want to point out that if you and your girlfriend do not have enough in common to frequently have topics to talk about and connect over, then I think you're in a relationship with the wrong person. If she simply isn't interested in the things you are interested in, and vice versa, then this relationship is eventually going to stale out with boredom and lack of connection. Sorry. :/

[machiavelli1527]

While I agree strongly with the above about the need to have things in common, Your questions centered on talk, so I'll ask about shared activities. Do the two of you have an easy time finding things you enjoy doing together?

If yes and it's just a conversation problem the next question becomes how important is verbal to each of you? Some couples communicate heavily that way, others less so. If neither of you are verbal people, but you dig being with each other, the lack of great convo may not be an issue. Don't get caught up in thinking you need to talk as much as some couples you know IF you're not highly verbal people. The amt of verbal 'needed' in a relationship varies, and it's important to not confuse lack of natural desire to talk about one another's lives with lack of interest in one another's lives. BUT, if one or both of you need verbal, then it's another thing all together . . .and a larger thing still if the fun of shared activites starts to fade amidst a sense that 'we really don't know each other'. :(

Still, common ground can be created even as it isn't present. A good way is to look at things you'd each like to add to your lives . . .as an example, if you've both wanted to taking sking lessons, do it together this winter. Learning and developing new parts of yourselves and exploring more of life together can go a long way in expanding and deepening connections . . this dynamic can be even stronger IF you have some shared wants and goals and you become the motivation for her acting on things she long wanted to do, but hadn't done. Now you're seen as bringing out her best, giving her energy, opening the doors she dreamed of passing through . . .even though your motivation is really just to have her as a partner in taking some new steps in your life. Alas, if none of the dimensions you'd like to add to your life synch with her aspirations than there could be problems ahead . . .although growing apart isn't a horrid thing so long as you're in control of the direction you're growing.

[RoboBunny]

First of all: thanks for the replies (both of you). I had hoped there would be more, but hell.

Anyways...


If yes and it's just a conversation problem the next question becomes how important is verbal to each of you? Some couples communicate heavily that way, others less so. If neither of you are verbal people, but you dig being with each other, the lack of great convo may not be an issue. Don't get caught up in thinking you need to talk as much as some couples you know IF you're not highly verbal people.

Yes, well, that may be nice and all, but I want to be able to talk. I mean, we're pretty physical, and that's nice and all, but I do want to be able to be verbal at the right times.

When I'm in conversation with someone and it suddenly stops, I don't care about how physical me and my gf are as a couple, I'm thinking 'fuck, I'm boring myself, what the hell do I say?'. And since I can't be cocky/funny all the time, there surely must be someway to boost my regular conversation skills. I've been analyzing conversations between people the last few days (one might call it 'eavesdropping'), and I think I'm progressing, but I really need some pointers on communication skills.

In fact: since I got a gf, I've become much more self-analyzing. It was a great eye-opener into my identity, and it has surely initiated growth. However, I've gotten to a point now in which I realize I'm genuinely boring in conversation. I really am, as I've said before: I even bore myself. And not only that: it affects my game. For this reason, for example, it is why I'm afraid to do phone-game. This is why I've become afraid to go out with my girlfriend, as I might bore her.

I've seen a quote somewhere that said 'don't be yourself, be your best
self. And it's true: you should be. I want to be my best self. I want to become better than I already am. I want to grow. And right now, the area in which I feel I really need to improve, is conversation.

So, really, while physical contact is great, while touch is really powerful, and while kino has done wonders for me (thank you venusian arts!), it really isn't much of an issue for me. I don't really care much about that right now... I want to be able to hold a small-talk from time to time. I want to be able to make a decent conversation, keep it flowing, and keep it interesting, without it becoming the most-dreaded interview.


Also: I don't know whether you guys have already realized, but the game, for now, is most important to me in the field of 'identity'. I'm getting more self-confident (was, at least), and I know what I want now. I've established my values, my goals, my desires, and I feel like I'm becoming a better person. I'm approaching my better self. So when I ask for help, do understand that it is not just to get the girl, or to keep the girl (although it is a greatly big part of it). It is to better myself.

[azazels_wolf]

Try doing an advanced search for "Conversation" in thread TITLE... there are some good threads that pop up. Those might help you with your sticking point.

[yes]

i hear you man, my conversation skills used to Suck big time. the main problem in my case was that i was thinking about things to say... then just never saying them. haha. and id have these conversations in my head of what i thought the other person would say. haha. its so stupid. ive sinced realised it was because of a few things; mainly because i thought i had nothing good to offer the conversation, and any alternate thread i could bring up would not be of any value or entertainment to anyone listening. which obviously all stems from how i viewed myself publicly. also i just didnt really care about the conversation, because i used to be such a fucking nihilistic little shit, i was like, well whats the fucking point of talking about this pointless shit? seriously, who cares? so i would just shut up and not contribute. this relates to all areas of conversation, but most specifically to small talk.

now i hope youre not as fucked up as i used to be, pre-venusian arts (i use that in the umbrella term, not just referring specifically to the company), and you dont sound like you are, which is good. haha. heres what i started doing to increase my conversation skills. anything i thought of, no matter how stupid it sounded to me in my head, just fucking say it out loud, with any confidence i could find (body language + vocal tonality = ninety three percent of communication. if you do that with confidence, the subject is of little importance). whats the worst thats going to happen? in my reality, there is no such thing as a "dlv". im too confident. and if that thread fails, just chuck another one out there. just so long as youre talking, things will start to flow automatically, i promise you. normally the girl, or whoever it is, will be reminded by what you said of something funny that happened to her and go into that or whatever. youll also be reminded of things when you say shit out loud. dont think of it as a chore either, its just fun. you know the three second rule? apply it to talking with your friends. just fucking say shit man, and dont give a fuck (obviously there are times when you have to shut up though. haha). talking is amazing fun when you dont give a fuck. i used to be so fucken depressed, and i now know its because i didnt talk enough. not about anything particular, i just didnt talk enough in general. ive started conversations (with people i already know) with things i was sure theyd find weird. can you remember the colour of the walls in your first house? thats actually the beginning of a mind reading routine. and i remember the first time i said it, thinking, i know what shes (my girlfriend at the time) is gonna say: what the fuck? where did that come from? but no, she just started thinking and telling me about it. i was genuinely surprised. and ive done it since with the same responses. even when i fuck up the mind read, its just a conversation.

there are also times when i cant think of something to say, but theres always something your thinking about which you can use. what song is stuck in your head? ask her if she likes that band. either way, tell your youll listen to an album one time back at yours (john lennon spoke the gods truth when he said: life is what happens to you when youre busy making other plans). what movie did you recently see? why was it shit/brilliant? talk about how much you love awkward silences, because of the weird body language people make. haha. then learn her up on body language. give her the trust test. tell her you know youve found someone special when you can both share a silence in unawkwardness. youll also notice when people talk, they often make open ended statements that make the other person ask them questions about it. its hard to explain but watch out for it and youll start to pick it up.

if you find yourself getting bored with yourself, im guessing its not so much because youre talking about boring things. but rather, talking about things in a boring way. just be fun and confident man. also remember what mystery says, in order for someone to actually be interested in you, you actually have to be interesting. so fill your life with as many things that fascinate you as possible. and talk about those, with passion.

reopen a conversation with this: whats the most Fascinating thing in the world to you? (heres what id say, cause normally they say i dunno) well i have two things, the first is... the universe! did you know what there are four hundred billion stars in the known universe? and a star is just like our sun, with planets orbiting all around it, and since life can, in theory, form on any planet thats not too hot and not too cold, dont you think that the odds of other life out there is pretty high? even if the odds are one in a million... thats still over a hundred thousand different life forms, isnt that thought amazing? you know whats more amazing? that its estimated that in the history of human existence, there have been four hundred billion people that have lived and died on this earth, so theoretically, there could be one little star up there for every person who ever lived... isnt that a nice thought? what would your star be like? do you believe in astrology? (i know atrologys bullshit, but crap on about that for a while, then go into astral projection, life after death and blah blah) the second thing that fasciantes me, probably even more is... the human mind! then talk about that. use ross jeffries attraction vs love routine, its fucken genius (and hypnotic... haha) then talk about the evolutional theory of love, with survival and replication and all that shit. then talk about gods existence, or lack of. or whatever you know lots about. you see how things just flow when you keep talking? now, these are all things that legitimately fascinate me, and with the right person, i could talk literally talk about them for hours. they may not work for you, but i know there is something that you are passionate about that you can crap on about and blend into another conversation. multiple threading is a big one too. learn up on that too. also, you should be able to keep talking without too much input from the other person.

[azazels_wolf]

yes:

That's really an excellent post, but it would be much more excellent if you could put in some paragraph spacing, otherwise it looks like one big block of headache-inducing text. ;) Thanks.

[yes]

haha, okay man, i'll edit it now. it was really late...

[azazels_wolf]

Yeah, that's a little easier to look at now, thanks!

[yes]

i just got back from listening to juggler talk for a few hours, and the most amazing part to me (from not knowing very much at all about him or his system) was his tips on conversation and story telling skills (his group theory seemed a watered down version of mysterys, as does everyones i think). so go learn some of his shit aswell. its quality mate.

[L.A. Tripp]

"yes", excellent post.

I would just like to add one thing that expands on that for the OP. How do you "become interesting"? By . . . being . . . interested . . . in . . . yourself. First and foremost, you HAVE to be interested in yourself. Once you do that, you can make almost anyone become interested in you, and in what you have to say, because as "yes" said, you will talk with PASSION, which is what not only attracts girls to listen to you, but guys as well. Everyone likes to hear someone talk with PASSION.

I can drone on and on about writing, about PUA, about the guys I help, about computers, about stereos, about electronics, and some other things, because I'm interested in them enough to have PASSION when I talk about them, so people are normally glued to whatever is coming out of my mouth, even if they have NO IDEA what I'm talking about with the terms I use with each field, lol. In fact, I've even had people say (after I was done and their attention was wrapt to me), I have no idea what you just said, but it was SO Interesting. Hmmm, gee, wonder why? Because I was passionate about it!

[yes]

haha, exactly! cause you captivated them so hard with your body language and tonality, the other seven percent of the conversation didnt matter!
people never cease to amaze me.