Help! The Fear of Failure is Stopping me From Getting Ahead in Life!

[Sentinelrv]

I'm having a problem and I think I'm close to finding the answer, but maybe somebody here could help me find a solution. Let me give some background info first.

I've had two jobs in my life. I worked at them three years each. My dad knew the owners of both companies and got me the jobs, so I've never had an interview. I was just kind of thrown into doing the jobs like being forced to go to school.

Well, I lost my last job back in December. At first I blamed the company, but over time and especially after reading The Power of Now, I've accepted that it was my fault that I lost it and don't blame anyone anymore.

Anyway, my cousin Brett moved from New Jersey to Florida. He bugged me for months to come down there with him to start fresh, but I finally gave in and moved, which was something very new to me. I've never been faced with so much uncertainty before. So I'm living here in Davenport Florida, between Orlando and Tampa with my cousin and a couple friends from back home. I've been on unemployment since December, and it's been quite a while since I moved.

Lately though, the people I'm living with are getting tired of me not having a job and sitting at the house every day watching TV, playing games, reading, etc... So my cousin had to sit down and have a talk with me to let me know that I have to get a job soon before I run out of unemployment. He's really been starting to put pressure on me about this. I know I need to find a job, but I'm having a hard time making it happen. For example, I look up jobs on Craigslist.com and every job description I find looks like something complicated and I feel this fear like I wouldn't be able to do the job, especially if it involves working with customers or live people. My last job was a factory job, so I didn't have to deal with customers at all. I just did my daily job and went home. I just feel this horrible pain or fear that I can't do anything. I've been trying to figure out why this is, and I think I'm close to an answer.

When growing up, my dad was impatient, especially when teaching me something. He would act as if I should automatically know how to do something new. And if I told him I didn't know how to do it, or worse failed at it, he would yell at me and it was painful. Living through plenty of these experiences growing up, I can't help but think that I've been conditioned to feel fear and pain whenever I'm faced with learning or doing something new, like the fear of failure, especially when it involves something as dynamic as interaction with a person, where anything could happen. Since this realization, I've noticed when my cousin needs help with something I don't know much about, I try my best to avoid it, or I find myself hoping to get through it successfully without messing up, for fear that I'll be yelled at for screwing it up. Something as simple as meeting my cousin at a place I've never been before turns into a nightmare for me, not for fear of getting lost, but the fear of his reaction for me failing to find it. I suspect that this fear is what has stopped me from getting ahead in life since I graduated High School in 2003. It seems like a psychological problem that I need to overcome myself.

Do you think I'm on track about the cause of this fear? Have any of you gotten over something similar to what I'm going through? And most of all, how do you think I can overcome it.

[Golgo 13]

You are definitely not alone in your fear of failure. It happens to everyone. You seem to have pinpointed a possible cause of this. which is good.

Props to you for being ballsy enough to move to a new place and start fresh. I missed several opportunities in the past because i refused to step out of my comfort zone.

Hear is what i try to do when encounter a fear of trying something new and failing at it.
I compare my challenge with what other human beings like myself would have to cope with.

for example...

Me: Damn I don't want to get trained on Desk Sergeant. There is so much paperwork and radio speak! I am garunteed to fuck it up!? Maybe i should just walk the beat on patrol like always?

My rational thought voice: Hey! who are you to fear this job. People of younger rank have even done this job with no problems and you are a seasoned Staff sergeant! If you want to be scared, think of the poor mother in N. Korea faced with keeping her children safe and fed. Think of the kid in Iraq with no Mom or Dad and wondering how he will meet the next day without getting blown apart by the hateful extremists he will deal with daily?

What I am saying is, your troubles are few when relatively compared to the potential problems of others. Although you may be afraid to fail, think of how unimportant your fear is compared to what some humans (just like you) have to face everyday.

That's what i tend to do and it works for me, maybe it can help you. Best of luck to you. It sounds like you have the golden opportunity to reinvent yourself, and you also have people who support you and know you can do it.

You can DO IT! lol;)

[azazels_wolf]

Sentinel, I think you've answered a lot of your own questions, and your self-analysis seems right on.

There's a trick that myself and a lot of others have found very helpful when it comes to work. Consider the following and then act on your answers:

- What do you do that you always enjoy and never feels like work? Something related to this would be your best choice for a job/career. (You'd be surprised, a lot of hobbies and "fun" things can easily become paid work!)
- What makes you feel good?
- What inspires you? What do you have a passion and inner fire and drive for?
- What times of the day or night do you feel most energetic and driven? Try to use that to your advantage when scheduling work.
- What do you actually enjoy learning, instead of feeling overly pressured by? You might want a job that will train you in this, or increase your skill in.
- What activities never make you feel stressed out?
- What kind of people do you enjoy teaming up with, and why?
- Consider becoming your own boss and utilizing your contacts and family to help you develop your OWN business.

Some might say this is the "easy way out." It's not - everyone has special gifts, talents, and predilections that will help you immensely if you just channel them in the right direction. Doing something you love or feel at ease about everyday will make your work a lot more enjoyable. Just don't forget to challenge yourself and branch out into new horizons and experiment with new possibilities once you reach that point..

[Insanity]

This is a real tough one.

At the moment I'm a fire fighter in the west midlands in the UK. i have just handed in my resignation to focus on being a pro guitar player.

I made this desision after at least 6 months of thought. My conclusion was though that I'd rather fail doing something that I love than carry on doing something I find mundane.

My way of thinking now is you only get one crack at life, and in 30 years time I don't want to regret not giving my dreams a go. I'd rather fail knowing I tried than live with the regret of what if.

I think the thing you are lacking is some self belief.

Try making a small task for yourself. It could be anything from meeting up with your cousin to making a model or doing a jigsaw. Complete the task. You have succeeded. Then move on to a slightly harder task and so fourth. Your success will snowball and you will have more self belief.

And job interviews are just like running game. If you get rejected in an interview they're not rejecting you they've just rejected the way you presented yourself and you can learn from each one.

[Argo navis]

EDIT : Moot post, I read the question incorrectly and adressed "fear of success", aka "failure neurosis",
another phobia, another illusion of the mind. The method could hold true, still : facing your fears
is a rock solid way to force the phobia through.

[Sentinelrv]

Well, I led a GameSpot Union for about five years if you know what they are. My union, called The HeadCrab Union was based on the game developer VALVe, and was one of the most successful unions on GameSpot. That was something I really enjoyed doing, even though I made no money. I eventually had to give it up though, because it took up too much of my time.

I always thought I could take the next step and get into web design, but that's something I would need to go to school for first. And from what I've heard, there's a Devry University here in Orlando, so that's a possibility I guess. I've also had an idea for a website that could be as successful as the top websites.

[Sentinelrv]

I've also just read David Deida's book The Way of the Superior Man and he talks a lot about finding your purpose and sticking with it. I haven't found my purpose yet, so I've been drifting through life reacting to events, instead of creating them, as he says. Maybe I've finally found it.

[chillspike]

Stop validating anyone's presumption that they have a right to lecture you. They don't. That said, no matter how old we get, our parents always see us as children. My Dad's the same way as yours. You won't change your Dad and I wouldn't want to change mine. Usually the people who lecture us feel close enough to us to be comfortable doing so..Is it right? No. Is it my own style for dealing with people? No. But personally, I pick my battles carefully...I will usually let a close friend or associate get away with a little yelling at me...but if it becomes a full blown habit, bordering on the edge of an obvious psychological necessity to brow beat me, then I call them on it... But I prefer to let the evidence mount up so it weakens their resistance and denials when I call them on it...

[azazels_wolf]

If you enjoyed it so much that you did it for 5 years without pay, then that perhaps speaks volumes. It also requires special skills to manage a large online community on a specialized topic... think about all the skills you used and developed while doing that and see if you can't apply that to a larger frame. Maybe you could even team up with someone who has skills that you don't, and create something together?

Also, the video game industry is HUGE and there are many people that get paid for doing all sorts of game-related work and creative development. That's also something you might want to look into.

[Argo navis]

I actually am active in both fields from the same idea :)

Not video games, but special effects contests ( http://www.scene.org or http://www.pouet.net ), medical imaging, and web applications design.

My purpose is communication, first and foremost I live to observe, exchange, (and reproduce myself of course). Discreetly saying I am doing deluxe research for a living, when I am not freelance consulting, is quite the DHV. And also, the job is quite cool. Money, travels, top heads, and high tech all the way.

...There's that campus, that pass to transports, those facilities, the lake nearby, the sports facilities also, with "hiking classes". Artificial walls. Among activities.

...And I really got started with webdesign by getting into a rehab program for the unemployed when I was 18 years old and on the streets :)

It does all add up quite well if you ask me. Yeah, a purpose, and then action : one step at a time.

[rAFC]

It seems a lot of people posting here (perhaps myself included, admittedly) have been conditioned to feel fear/anxiety due to events usually in their childhood. I don't know what specifically could be done about this at the forum, but I can't help but think that a lot of these issues stretch into the medical/psychiatry realm as opposed to simple Venusian Arts, yet fear, anxiety and low self esteem are central problems to a vast number of people here aspiring to change their lives. For example, in Sentinel's case, I would say that perhaps CBT might help, to recondition his mind to approaching new tasks or unfamiliar territory, because without at least some calm, how can you expect to open a set let alone make it to any further stage. But as I said, I am not a doctor, so I think the best advice I can give is to go and see one, but never be ashamed of it. You might have answered your own question by saying it is something psychological, and I completely understand where you are coming from about your father. As I said above you have been conditioned to feel irrational fear when approaching new tasks due to the pressure he put on you. I assume you've read the MM book, and you're just working on your Health aspect of your life first. Sort out your health, and only when you feel well enough to approach a new task, sort out your wealth with employment, then relationships. Don't let pressure of room mates and your cousin get to you. Explain to him that you are not well, but now you've realised it so you're going to get better. Explain that putting pressure on you would just make you feel more anxious, which is definitely counter productive in your case.

But one thing is for sure, none of this is said from a patronising mindset, I've been through similar stuff myself, had a tough father at times, so I'm just trying to help from experience. Good luck - you can do it, but realise that you sometimes do need the help of others to make it through.

[Sentinelrv]

Thanks. Also, I remember a book David DeAngelo recommended called Feel the Fear and do it Anyway. Is this something I should look into?

[RedLine]

Hey, man! Go for it, apply to every single job you will find interesting, and even if you fail, don't get discouraged. I know I sound like coming out from a cheezy movie, but that's true...like I like to say "People learn from their mistakes, and people learn throughout their whole life." Which means you'll always make mistakes, it's how you handle them.
Oh and about working with people, well I work in a fast food joint, and at first I said i want to work in kitchen, because I was afraid of being on front taking orders, and being in front of people, but thanks to my brother he literally had to MAKE me change, for which I thank him very much. I was nervous/scared the first 3 days, but after that you get used to it...
Oh and for example last week a group of three tried to make a scam on my register (brake money and exchange until they get me confused), well they got me confused, and the guy was acting like I didn't give him 40 bucks, when I actually game but he put in pocket, then manager came and started counting money...they waited for the 1st count but the manager wanted to count again and they left saying they'll come back later when we are going to close (ame out I was right and no money were missing, which meant he really hid the money i gave him and tried to scam me).
I have never felt so much fear about my physical safety EVER! But I've turned that fear into a tool to teach me...and you will NEVER ever see me braking up money for ANYONE. So you can get very good lessons from failing. So just go out apply, try and learn.