About Dr. Chaves
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
View full bio here.
Your Hands for Her Pleasure
Part 1 or 5
Remember the rush you got the first time you put your hands inside a girls panties? There’s no place you’d rather have been than down her pants. The joys of exploring something foreign, something new, it was almost surreal. One thing we may overlook is how excited the girl may have been and how can we help create that rush for her again. She has likely had a few unskilled and rushed lovers in her past. Which means more often than not, women are not satisfied or even disappointed with sexual interactions. With vulva massage and foreplay, act as if you are an explorer uncovering the secrets to her genitals. If you press the right buttons and push the right pressure points, sexual bliss is on the horizon.
Let’s talk about some techniques to give her that same rush and feeling. These next 4 articles are going to talk about vulva massage and digital stimulation (fingering). Most sexual scripts include some type of manual stimulation, especially during foreplay. To be a skilled, sexual lover, it takes the know how and the ability to perform in the moment. I know sex can be intimidating, depending on the level of experience you have or even the attractiveness of the woman lying next to you, but we all have to fight through our demons that affect our confidence. You’re all learning ways to manage the approach anxiety; we have to also learn to ways to manage sexual performance anxiety. One of the most important ways to turn sexual insecurity into sexual confidence is mastery of technique. Behavioral change can implement cognitive change, or learning better ways to please her can help you feel better and more confident about your sexual skills. Sexual confidence often comes from repeated positive sexual experiences, which generally come from doing the right moves in the bedroom over and over again. Hearing that you helped her reach her first orgasm, someone telling you they’ve never been touched like that before, and witnessing a partner lose themselves in pleasure can make us smile, feel good about ourselves, and help us to stick our chests out a bit more. If you know you’re knowledgeable and good at something, you’ll probably do it well and feel competent when doing it.
Some tips before we get into techniques. First, set the stage for hands and fingers to perform. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve spoken to complain about men’s fingernails. Long, uncut nails or freshly cut, unfiled nails have the potential to scrape the vulva and the vaginal canal. I compare it to a tooth accidentally scraping your penis when receiving oral sex. Ouch!
Wouldn’t that affect your ability to focus on the pleasure of the moment? Don’t set the stage for her to focus on a scrape in the vagina rather than the way you’re fingering her.
More nail advice. Be careful with the vulva/vagina massages after hot wing night at Hooters or eating that spicy burrito from your favorite Mexican spot. Salsa, hot sauce, and lemons are just a few examples of things that can burn when exposed to a tear of the skin on the vulva or in the vagina. Ever had shampoo get inside your urethra (pee hole) in the shower? Ya, burning like your penis needs to call 911. The same can happen to her, so keep those fingernails clean, wash your hands before and after sexual interactions, and don’t be known as the “hot salsa” guy to a group of girls. Aspire to be known as the “magic hands” guy!
Find a way to soften up your hands. For those that hit the gym, lift weights, and do manual labor, our hands can go from soft to a rough callous mess in no time. I remember the days of lifting weights and feeling pride over my scruffy hands. Today, I’d rather sexually please the girl than impress my fellow gym rats. It doesn’t feel good for a woman to have rough hands scraping across her vulva. It’s like expecting a feather massage and getting sandpaper. Some options are manicures, wearing workout gloves, scrubbing your inner hands with pumice stone, and using hand moisturizer. So keep those nails trim, filed, clean, and make sure your hands are soft and inviting for repeat vulva visits.
Public service announcement: Saliva just isn’t enough! Think back to the times you were rubbing a woman’s genitalia, digitally stimulating her (ok, fingering her), and the lubrication seemed to gradually fade. What did you do, keep spitting in your hand? Do you think she finds that sexy? Some women produce enough lubrication for clitoral, vulva stimulation and vaginal penetration, but most don’t. Biologically, vaginal lubrication was meant to facilitate penile entry for eventual ejaculation and procreation, not necessarily long foreplay sessions. You will find a great number of women complain about men rubbing their clitoris and vulvas while the surface is dry and fingering her when there isn’t sufficiently lubricated. Don’t blame her or yourself, its nature’s fault for not taking pleasure into consideration. Guys, it can be a lot like receiving manual stimulation. How do you like a dry handjob? Don’t those usually work a little better with lube? My advice: go to your nearest sex toy shop and buy small, individual sized packets of lube. Keep one or two in your pocket at all times in case a vulva comes knocking at your door. Each packet is inexpensive (few bucks), can be used for handjobs and vulva stimulation, as well as eventual (or should I say hopeful) penile/vaginal/anal penetration. Remember, use water-based lubricants, not water soluable (can have oil) or oil-based, as water-based lube is latex compatible for condom use. Also, the word on the street is that lubes with the ingredient glycerine/glycerol can increase female yeast and are linked to reoccurring yeast infections. Check the lube ingredients and ask your sex shop salesperson for help. It might mean the difference between her getting a bacterial infection and you getting a repeat invitation to come over. The next 4 articles will focus on vulva stimulation techniques, clitoral stimulation techniques, vaginal stimulation techniques, and combination techniques. So lets start talking about what our hands can do to get her panting, moaning, and her heart pumping.
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
What’s Up Her Skirt?
Female Anatomy: Part 2 of 2.
We’ve touched on the clitoris, let’s continue with getting to know a woman’s vulva and discuss the labias. There are two sets of labias (vulva lips), the labia majora and labia minora. The labia majora, also known as the outer lips, extends down from the mons pubis on both sides of the vulva, surrounding the inner lips. They extend all the way to the inner thighs and to the beginning of the buttocks. The labia majora, as with the mons pubis, has hair follicles and pubic hair, which can vary in thickness, texture, color, and scent. Did he just say scent? Yes! Although we live in a culture where most pubic hair is shaved or waxed, there are sexual functions for pubic hair. Research has shown that the scent from vulva secretions from a woman’s pubic hair follicles can actually increase sexual arousal for a male through the olfactory senses and vice versa (smell). That means women can get aroused by your scent (not body odor) as well. A little hair can go a long way. The labia majora are also filled with numerous nerve endings and blood vessels. Blood vessels and blood circulation are important because that can lead to heightened arousal. The more blood we get flowing through the vulva, the higher the likelihood of vasocongestion (engorgement of blood) and increased arousal, sensation, and orgasm.
Beneath the labia majora lie some very important internal structures, namely the crura (roots) of the clitoris and the vestibular bulbs. They are important structures because they can be stimulated to help increase arousal. Many skillful lovers neglect or rush through stimulation of the outer labias, which can be a mistake. This is what I meant in the last article by “watering the roots.” Adequate stimulation of the crura and vestibular bulbs through the labia majora can help lead to a well-lubricated vagina and sexually aroused female.
The labia minora, or inner lips, are located within the labia majora and surround the urethral opening (where female urine exits) and the vaginal opening. They vary in size, color, shape, texture, and appearance. They are hairless and are connected to the clitoral hood. As with all the parts we discuss, they have sensitive nerve endings and should be stimulated during foreplay for arousal purposes. In future articles, we will elaborate on ways to play with the labias for maximum levels of arousal.
The vaginal opening, also called the introitus, is located directly south of the clitoris between the urethral opening and the anus. Most of us understand this is where penetration occurs with the penis, fingers, and toys. However, there are a few things about the vagina and its opening that are important to know. First, the most sensitive portion of the vaginal canal is near the introitus. The outer 1/3 closest to the introitus has a vast amount of nerve endings and is more sensitive than the rest of the vaginal canal. Sexological research has shown that the most sensitive areas of the vaginal opening are located at the 12 o’clock, 4 o’clock, and 8 o’clock positions. Think of a peace sign as a mental reminder for sensitive introitus areas. The G-spot, or urethral sponge, area is located near the 12 o’clock position inside the vagina and the internal vestibular bulbs are located beneath the surface near the 4 o’clock and 8 o’clock positions. Coincidence? This is one of the few times I encourage using a watch and thinking about time during foreplay and sex.
As we venture south on Vulva Boulevard, some people begin to become uncomfortable with our next destinations and that’s perfectly fine. Leave them alone and go in peace. There isn’t a rule that people have to stimulate these areas, but my job is to let you know they can also be used for pleasure and arousal. The perineum is located between the introitus and the anus. It is a patch of skin filled with nerve endings and is often described as pleasurable for those that are comfortable with being touched in this area. The anus is another area of the vulva that is filled with numerous nerve endings and can be a source of pleasure for women. Some women are able to reach orgasm from anal stimulation or penetration, which should highlight for you the arousal potential of the anus. Many women feel uncomfortable with perineum/anal stimulation, so proceed with caution. Use techniques like open communication or obvious inviting non-verbal cues to give anal play the green light. In a future article, you can count on me challenging some of the myths and taboos associated with anal play as I find it to be a wonderful place for pleasure and excitement.
Now, we’ve got the vocabulary down. Believe me, the vulva is much more complicated anatomically and we barely scratched the surface, but the basics were important to cover. There is so much we can do to stimulate the vulva; sensation play, manual touching, digital stimulation, oral sex, fantasy, penetration, sex toys, etc. I’m thinking we should start exploring what our fingers and hands can do to get her hot and breathing heavy…
Dr. Hernando Chaves
Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
What’s That Under Her Skirt?
Female Anatomy: Part 1 of 2.
Imagine this scenario: You’re bringing a beautiful girl back to the bedroom. She’s naked, lying on her back and she spreads her legs open right in front of you. If you can focus on observing what you’re looking at instead of immediately wiping the drool from your mouth and jumping her bones, you would be looking at her vulva. Vulvas are not Swedish cars known for safety. The vulva is a fancy medical term for everything you see when you look at a naked female’s outer genitalia (sexual anatomical parts). Vulvas vary in shape, color, texture, and in appearance. Each is unique and a blessing to be next to, so leave the comparisons to Hustler at the door. Most vulvas in magazines or porn are digitally/surgically altered and not what women really look like. The major parts of the outer genitalia consist of the mons pubis, clitoral hood, clitoris, labia majora, labia minora, vaginal opening, the perineum, and the anus. I know what your thinking? What the hell is a mons pubis? This might remind you of school, but it’s absolutely essential we go over these terms. What are they? Where are they located? What to do with them? A great lover knows about these body parts and understands their importance as well as learning how to stimulate them. Knowing this information will increase your chances on helping her achieve pleasure and arousal.
Before we start, those that are visual learners can google “vulva” to see what is begin described. Find a diagram that details the vulva parts and refer back to it as needed. Another great visual is at www.3Dvulva.com and click the 3D vulva/clitoris diagram. Learn where the parts of the genitalia are located. You might get a slap in the face from someone if you’re stimulating her anus but were thinking it was her clitoris. Then again, you might get a smile from someone else too.
Lets start from the top of the vulva and work our way down. The mons pubis is a triangular mound over the pubic bone directly above the clitoral hood and clitoris. It is located in the pubic hair region and extends downward to form the labia majora, or outer lips. It is an important area because within the fatty tissue of the mons pubis are numerous nerve endings. Often with sexual interaction, this area is neglected and forgotten as an area of pleasure and arousal. However, during male superior position (missionary), both the male and female pubic regions grind or press up against each other, increasing the pressure and stimulation of the female mons pubis. But we can (and will) learn to apply sensation and stimulation to this region on a more regular basis.
The clitoral hood is a fold of skin that covers and protects the clitoris. It blends downward from the lower portion of the mons pubis in the shape of an upside-down V and eventually forms the labia minora, or inner lips. A lot of guys will think this little flap is extra skin and serves no purpose. However, it is also filled with nerve endings to aid in arousal and pleasure. I wouldn’t bring it up if it were meaningless; so keep the clitoral hood on your mind and in your vocabulary for a future article on clitoral stimulation. Women know what purpose it serves for them and so should guys.
Which brings us to the hood’s closest neighbor, the clitoris. Most of you have heard of the clit, the magic button, or the love nub. In the last few decades we went from a society that had no idea what the clitoris was to a culture that focuses on it. Sexologists believe the clitoris was made for pleasure, as it has no other physiological function. The portion of the clitoris that is outside the body (head/glans and shaft of the clitoris) has approximately eight thousand nerve endings made purely for her satisfaction. 8K!! It packs a punch and it’s estimated the average external clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the external male penis (glans and shaft). Think about it, twice the nerve endings in such a small package can be an intense amount of arousal in one area. The external clitoris is about the size of a pencil eraser and it varies in size, shape, color, and sensitivity. However, the clitoris is much bigger than most of us think. Like an iceberg, the tip of the clitoris sticks out above the surface of the vulva and the remainder is not visible. There are legs or roots of the clitoris that extend beneath the surface of the vulva and extend downward. That means to properly stimulate the clitoris; one would have to do a lot more than touching the external tip that we’re so used to focusing on. Think of this metaphor. If you were going to water a plant to make it grow best, would you water the leaves or the roots that spread beneath the ground? The answer is the roots. The same idea applies to the clitoris and vulva stimulation. After we cover the external female body parts, we’ll talk about ways to stimulate her different parts, including the clitoris, and tips on how to “water the roots.”
I know you’re wanting to wow your Friday night date with Kama Sutra techniques like the wheelbarrow or the clasping position. Patience, the basics are essential and one must learn to walk before they can run. You’ll be a sprinter and long distance runner in no time.
Dr. Hernando Chaves
Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
The Art of Erotic Foreplay – Part 4 of 4
Lip locking and tongues
Kissing is one of the most important aspects of foreplay. Make no mistake, a good kiss can mean the difference between playing with someone else and playing with yourself. It’s hard to believe that in some remote cultures, they find kissing to be taboo and disgusting. Luckily, kissing is something we can learn and acquire the skills to improve. Women rate kissing as one of the most erotic activities they engage in during sexual interaction. Case in point. A friend of mine was out to dinner on a first date with a girl. They eventually leaned into each other for their first kiss. After their inaugural smooch ended, she kept her eyes closed and was smiling. She said that was the kind of kiss she was hoping for. Her next question, “What do you want to do right now, honestly.” His answer was to skip the movie and take her home to make love, which they did. That must’ve been some kiss!
Since kissing is so powerful for women, men should take it seriously and cover all the stops. First, make sure your breath isn’t going to wilt a plant. A breath mint might not be enough if you’ve just had garlic shrimp and coffee for dinner. Make it a habit to carry a mini travel size bottle of mouthwash in your pocket or car. It just might save your night. The proper technique for kissing can vary from person to person, so let’s go with the best odds women have identified. The majority of women are fans of limited tongue use. Guys, there’s no need to play tonsil hockey. This is not an anatomy class or a sport, it’s kissing. Light tongue is okay for some, but test the waters before you jump in. Most women want passion, but that does not imply forceful lip locking. Keep the intensity to a level that is not too aggressive, but definitely not passive. My best advise is to use a technique called mirroring. Do what she does and mimic her levels of sucking, pressure, and tongue use. Most people would like someone who kisses like they do and focuses on similar areas of kissing.
Start off relaxing your own lips. Depending on if you’re giving a gentle kiss or a firm, passionate kiss, your approach and technique will vary. Women enjoy both styles, but it’s safer to begin with the gentle and work your way up to the more intense. Be aware that opening your mouth can be a good thing in moderation, just enough to fit tongues and lips. The excessively open mouth can feel rigid and overwhelming. A good technique to learn is lip kissing. Begin to gently kiss and suck her lips. Women enjoy lip sucking, both the top lip and the bottom. Be careful of how hard you suck and of biting the lips. Be mindful of your noses and how your head is positioned. Often people will tilt their head enough to compensate for their noses. Generally, it’s not a good idea to change up what you’re doing too often. Someone whose kissing style is all over the place appears too excited, anxious or nervous. Be consistent with kissing, meaning try not to sloppily kiss all over the place. However, using different techniques and styles sparingly is definitely encouraged. Use limited amounts of saliva. Make sure you swallow your spit and keep most of it in your mouth. One of the biggest complaints by women is the intensity of men kissing and the amount of saliva they deposit in women’s mouths. Breathe in and out through your nose while kissing. You can also develop ways through practice to breathe through your mouth in between kisses where you’re not breathing directly on her. As for your hands, many of us might feel the desire to feel her up and start inching towards the forbidden zones. Personally, I prefer not to have my hands wandering too much in order to give a female the opportunity to really focus on the kisses. I don’t want her mind going from passionate and stimulating kissing to wondering if I am going to touch her somewhere she’s not ready for. If she starts touching you in ways that belong in an x-rated movie, by all means, mirror those behaviors. That’s a good sign she’s comfortable and aroused. Remember, foreplay is about reducing anxiety and increasing arousal. During kissing can be a good time to use body massage techniques with your hands. You can rub and stimulate her back, shoulders, thighs, neck, head, and other areas that feel good.
Most people will tell you, kissing takes practice. No one starts off naturally knowing everything about sex, kissing, and foreplay. Hang in there. The knowledge is coming; hopefully the experience is as well. My advice to you is learn as much as you can about sex techniques and pleasing a woman. When you feel confident in your studying of human sexual behavior, put what you have learned into practice. Get out there and experience what life, dating, and sex has to offer. So keep masturbating her mind, caressing her body and softly kissing her. You’re on your way to becoming a better lover!
Dr. Chaves
Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
The Art of Erotic Foreplay – Part 3 of 4
Exploring the body
Body massages are a great way for you and your partner to get in the mood for sex. It is the classic method people use to excite their partner that can excite us too. This article will focus on non-genital forms of body massage. Don’t worry; we’ll get to the genital massage and penetrative sexual techniques soon. First we have to crawl before we can walk. For our purposes, let’s not discuss the obvious areas like the back or the foot. Instead, let’s focus on the areas of the body with less notoriety, the hands and the head.
Remember the first time you were lucky enough to explore a woman’s body? Treat every opportunity like it was your first. Explore with enthusiasm and appreciation. There are a couple of reasons it is a good idea to explore the female body through massage. First, the more you explore the body through touch, the more you will awaken her erogenous zones. Erogenous and secondary erogenous zones are areas of the body that are highly sensitive and filled with nerve endings that heighten pleasure. Areas like the neck, back, hips, thighs, and feet can all be erotic areas to touch a woman. So caress, rub, and stimulate these pleasure zones. Awaken the nerve endings in her body. Each woman will have different areas that she finds sensitive and erotic. Ask her what feels good, listen for feedback and observe the non-verbal cues she is displaying during touch. She will give you a lot of clues as to how she likes to be touched during foreplay, so study her reactions and sensitivity areas.
For our purposes, we are going to talk about massaging specific body areas. When was the last time you massaged a woman’s hands? The human hand (specifically the fingertips and palm) has one of the highest concentrations of Meissner corpuscle nerve endings in the body. Most women enjoy hand massages that are slow, passionate, and sensual. Grab some lotion or oil and give her the greatest hand massage she has ever had. Remember, each one of these techniques should be used with oil or lotion for best results.
-Clench all your fingers/entire hand around each of her fingers and pull away firmly massaging each finger.
-Try using your thumbs to massage her palm areas.
-While palm-to-palm, interlock your fingers with her fingers and gently squeeze, then pull your interlocked fingers away from hers and stretch her fingers.
-You can use your palms, knuckles, thumbs, or pointed fingers to massage different areas.
-With your thumb, rub the area of her palm where her thumb turns into her palm.
Be careful when massaging the backhand side of the hand opposite of the palm. There is less flesh, more bones, and massaging it too firmly can be uncomfortable. Don’t just stop at the wrists, the arm massage also feels quite good too.
Women also enjoy head/scalp massages. There are actually women who report reaching orgasm just by combing their hair. Many women will rate a good head rub or a man running his fingers through her hair as highly pleasurable (and unique). Women have also reported that it’s a turn on for a man to wash their hair when the take a shower together. A good head rub takes some practice and getting use to. The amount of pressure and intensity should be less firm and gentle. A good rule is to pretend your washing her hair. Don’t wash her hair like you wash your own, there is no scrubbing involved. Instead, use rhythmic motions combined with sensual touch to stimulate her head. Here are some techniques to use.
-You can use your fingers as a comb and brush her hair and scalp.
-Take your entire hand and gently start from her neck and work your way up her head. You want to end up with the back of her head in your hand and your palm against her scalp. Then, with your fingers gently interlaced in her hair, massage her scalp.
-You can also use your fingertips to massage her scalp in circular patterns to relieve tension.
-Take both hands and sensuously massage her head.
Adjust the intensity according to what she asks for, that means ask for feedback. Be careful of pulling her hair or getting so excited it becomes rough.
Some things to remember with massages: use oils and lotions that are hypoallergenic in case your partner has skin allergies and keep in mind oils can clog pores. Communicate with your partner and ask for feedback regarding the firmness, pressure, and speed. A massage is a gift to your partner to show them you appreciate and respect them, so be careful for the temptation to cop a feel or venture into areas of the body that might spell aggressive rather than seductive.
Dr. Chaves
Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
The Art of Erotic Foreplay – Part 2 of 4
Make love to her mind
Now that you understand the importance of foreplay, we need to start figuring out how to it works and what we should do. There are countless techniques you can incorporate into foreplay. Many of them will be tried and tested, hopefully becoming important parts of your sexual script. Foreplay techniques should be creative, inventive, and of course, fun. In the next 3 articles, we’ll focus on 3 important areas which every guy should have in their foreplay tool chest; mind foreplay, body massages, and kissing.
Mind foreplay is stimulating her largest sex organ – the brain. The mind is a very powerful thing. Did you know that some women can actually think off? They can use their minds without any physical stimulation and reach orgasm through erotic thoughts. However, for many women, mental blocks are one of the biggest obstacles to experiencing pleasure during sex. There are two ways we can help challenge these blocks: relaxing the mind and then stimulating it.
Relaxing the mind often appears non-sexual, but it helps open the doors to the erotic. By this I mean say and do things that will reduce her anxiety and the thoughts or questions she may have. Women tend to multi task more than men, which leads to more thoughts running through their heads. Many women will describe having a hard time focusing on sex and their own pleasure because they are worried about everyday life issues as well as sexual issues like how their body looks naked, if they feel sexy, and whether or not they should be jumping in the sack with this guy. It’s your job to help calm these thoughts and the many other thoughts that can impact sexual satisfaction and comfort.
Make her feel at ease and cared for. Talk to her about what is stressing her out, problems she may be having, or simply what’s on her mind. You’ll be surprised to find that after she vents and expresses to you, a few things are likely to happen. First, she’ll probably feel better, more calm, less tense, maybe even relieved. Second, she will trust you more. Each time we show compassion, attentive listening, and concern, our partners will inch a little bit closer to us emotionally. Third, with the non-sexual thoughts calmed, she will have more capacity to focus on things like erotic stimulation and the sexual moment at hand. It may seem strange but planning the date, cleaning the house, or helping her with her homework all reduce her anxiety and help her to focus on feeling relaxed. Here’s a creative and unique example. A friend of mine in the Adult film industry loves to have sex (I mean loves it!), but she has concerns and fears that men she meets outside of the industry might have sexually transmitted diseases (STD). Those within the industry get tested monthly and are quite open about sharing their results. She is concerned about the risk of catching something, not being able to work, and personal health reasons. That sexual comfort issue impacts her desire to sleep with men outside of the industry and creates anxiety. A few weeks ago, one lucky non-industry guy was prepared enough to have his recent STD results handy to show her. She saw proof of his clean bill of health and she “gave him the ride of his life!” He pinpointed the anxiety, calmed her fears, reduced the anxiety, and it opened the door to sexual comfort.
Now that we have helped relax her mind, the next step is to stimulate it. Guys, masturbate her mind. Victor Hugo once wrote that a compliment is like a kiss through a veil. Compliment her in ways that make her feel sexy and comfortable. For example, don’t just say her hair “looks nice.” Describe her hair with vivid descriptions and enthusiasm. “You’re hair looks stunning tonight! I think that is one of my favorite hairstyles I have seen on you.” Learn to use descriptive words and adjectives to enhance your phrases. She’ll feel sexier and appreciate you more. Open a thesaurus and look up the word beautiful and find 10 different words you can use to compliment her. Another mind stimulator is turning her on with erotic talk, email, or text messages. You have to make sure she is comfortable with that before you open the floodgates to erotic talk. If used wisely, erotic talk can make women crave sexual touch and the erotic fulfillment of desire and fantasies. Sometimes a subtle comment can do the trick, so be careful not to scare her away with excessively dirty talk or overdoing it, at least initially. Non-verbal behaviors can help create sexual mood as well. Holding her hand, warming her shoulders/hands with your hands if it’s cold, allowing her to enter a door first and placing your hand on her back as a means of escorting her through the door, an eye wink, a powerful sexy gaze, and even the tease of unavailability all can be used as foreplay techniques to increase sexual tension. Use romance as an erotic tool and ally rather than the enemy that speaks a foreign tongue. Plant the seeds of sexual desire in her brain and watch it grow. Remember a little goes a long way.
Dr. Chaves
Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
The Art of Erotic Foreplay – Part 1 – Making foreplay your best friend
I know what you?re thinking. ?I followed all the tips and advice Matador gave me. I changed the way I dressed, talked, acted, and now I find myself in the position I use to dream about. I?m about to have sex!? In dreams, everything seems to work out exactly the way we fantasize about it. We see ourselves as Casanova or Don Juan, seducing the maiden and providing her with pleasure beyond her wildest dreams. However, all the dreams in the world aren?t necessarily going to help her sing your sexual praises the next morning. Learning how to become comfortable and knowledgeable about sex are might help her sing that song. My name is Dr. Hernando Chaves, sexologist and sex educator, and I am making it my personal mission to make you a better lover.
In this 4-part article, we?ll be talking about foreplay, often referred to as the forgotten step by women. There are a lot of foreplay questions men ask. How long should foreplay last? What exactly should I do in foreplay? How do I know what she will like? These articles will help you find the answers to those questions. Foreplay is anything and everything we do before intercourse to get our partners feeling sexual and erotic. It?s the preheating of the sexual oven; the stretching and warm up before showcasing your sexual skill. Foreplay is different for men and women. Guys may see an attractive image and have an erection almost immediately. For women, it often takes more time and exploration to reach that state of readiness for sex. Be creative. Foreplay doesn?t have to start in the bedroom. A good lover and erotic expert begins foreplay well before the clothes come off and the sheets get warm. Without even knowing, you might already be setting the stage for pleasurable sexual experiences in your life.
Every woman is different, so adjust your lovemaking and foreplay techniques accordingly. To be a great lover, you are going to have to remember things and pay careful attention to details, sights, sounds, reactions, effectively listen and communicate, and have the sex techniques to back it up. Each woman wants things that are unique and erotic specifically for her. Finding these erotic turn ons will set the stage for emotional connectivity and relaxation. It?s important to help bridge the emotional connection between you and your partner to increase comfort, set her mind at ease, and create a sexual environment for her to explore and let go. Some women may want a man to take charge and others may want a man to allow them to feel empowered. Some women enjoy certain areas of their bodies to be stimulated and others prefer different pressure and intensity to stimulation. Some women want long sessions of foreplay and others need just a few minutes and are ready for sex. You need to be able to identify her needs and adjust your style accordingly. Study her, take careful detailed mental notes and find out what fuels her confidence and comfort level. She?ll feel sexier when she is at ease and feeling confident in herself.
How long should foreplay last? As long as it takes. Stop looking at your watch and start focusing on her mind and body. As much as you want to have penetrative sex right now, the patient lover that allows foreplay to take its course sets the stage for the great sexual experience. Studies show that most women lubricate about 10-30 seconds from the beginning of arousal. That doesn?t mean foreplay should end once lubrication begins. It?s just starting. Other parts of her body may not be ready for sex: her mind, the vaginal cavity, blood circulation, adequate arousal and lubrication.
So relax and take a deep breath. If you?ve made it this far with a woman, you?ve been doing a lot right. The next articles will focus more on foreplay techniques and behaviors. My hope is you will read them, learn from them, and incorporate them into your sex life.
Dr. Chaves
Copyright 2009 Hernando Chaves
Dr. Hernando Chaves is a Clinical Sexologist and Psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, CA. He holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology, a Master of Arts degree in Marital and Family Therapy, and a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality. Dr. Chaves is a sex educator and college professor, teaching introduction to human sexuality and advanced human sexuality. He is a Sex Coach and resident Sexologist at www.askmen.com, offering guidance and technique training to become a better, more skilled lover. As a public speaker with national and international experience, Dr. Chaves encourages the pursuit of sexual knowledge and healthy sexual expression.
Venusian Arts on Facebook
Follow Mystery on Twitter
Follow Discovery on Facebook